As many of you probably know, Franz Schubert was a pretty prolific composer of classical music. He created an amazing body of work including 9 symphonies, and several piano solos and compositions. He is now considered one of the best musical minds of his era. Schubert died from Typhoid at the age of 31.
31!
I can't even imagine! It wasn't until that last year that Schubert was even recognized as being the master that he was. His life was cut in half by an unexpected disease, but look at the legacy he left behind! In only 31 years Schubert brought some of the best music the world has known.
And then, being who I am, I thought of myself. If my life got cut short at the age of 31 what kind of legacy would I leave? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. We can't all be Schuberts and Van Goghs, but we can create a legacy of our own. When do you think Schubert started creating his? I'd say since childhood. He took professional lessons from an early age and he worked his whole life to become who he is now. What the Hell have I done to become who I will become? Not a single thing! I don't want to start my life at 25, I want to start my life now! What if I leave this life unexpectedly? I will not leave with peace! I would leave with shame!
Well, surely, something must be done! I need to move things along!
So I want to move back to Idaho. There is nothing for me here. I have wasted away here since I acted out and I have made little progress. I have sat here, stagnant. A failure left to suck on the prodigal teet of parenthood. I am here as a crutch. Well, I'm not broken. I'm in perfect health. I just feel sorry for myself. I am not proactive. I am not active. I have no motivation or self-confidence to talk to a stranger. To stick up for myself. To make new friends. To ask somebody out on a date. To LIVE!!
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." ---Thoreau
And so, to suck out the very marrow of life, what am I to do? Get one! I need to
A- live in a city
B- have male role models around me with the same standards I do
C- a singles ward
D- possibly, a support group for people like me consisting of my very best friends?
These things all lead me to Idaho Falls. I want to live! I want to get my self-confidence back. I want to overcome my addictions and have friends. I want romance!
I realize that moving to IF isn't going to solve all my problems. I need more than just a new atmosphere, I need a new attitude. I need to convince myself that I need to take action if I want to be a worthy member of the church, which I do.
So here's the plan. I need to leave New Hampshire with firm footing or I will fall. If I can go without my addictions for a solid month before January, then I will leave. And never come back to stay.
Is that motivation enough? It better be. Hard work is difficult. What was I supposed to expect? A Twinkie? I think not. Life is not a Twinkie, It's 50-lb. bags of whole grain wheat, sugar, and a cow. You need to make the Twinkie yourself.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Relationships: People You Don't Know
The Complete Stranger:
Unless you plan on getting to know them better, do not acknowledge this person. Do not allow this person to acknowledge you without further questioning. They could be a total creep! Them acknowledging your existence could be a way to let their gang buddies know who their gonna target. You have no idea.
The Customer/Employee:
These people are still strangers, although you have an obligation to talk to them in order to get what you want/give them what they want. You do not know this person and may very well never see them again, but they are still people. Never treat them with disrespect, or rudeness. Conversation should always be extremely polite and should include "sir" or "ma'am." Customers' children are also people. Do not ignore them. You, as a customer, are not responsible for treating the employees how you feel you're being treated, in correlation with how good of a job you think they're doing, with enough anger/exasperation to get around the rules to get what you want, or with a condescending attitude.
The Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who's face you have seen before. You may say hello in the hallway, although you are not required to. You might say "How you doin'?" You don't care about the answer, but it's the lack of thought that counts. At least you asked. You don't just go up to them and laugh at them, or ignore them, or tell other people rumors about them. You might not have any relationship with this person, but what you say can make a difference on how they view themselves. You, as mostly an outsider but not total stranger, act as a valid third party. If you approve of them, and make that evident, they will improve their self-image. Never talk them down.
The Not-So-Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who you ran into like a brick wall on the subway. You exchanged "Sorry"s and "Excuse Me"s and had a brief laugh over the encounter. This is the person who you seem to always be next to in line at the store. This is the person you got in a car accident with, etc. You share a special connection, but have not been formally introduced, or if you have, you do not see them on a regular basis. You are allowed to touch this person via handshake, or hand to shoulder touch lasting no longer than 5 seconds. Word exchanges such as "Next time, you better watch your step," or "Klutz," or "Hey, watch it," or anything else that indicates fault are not appropriate. In the case of a car accident where fault needs to be discussed, hold temper down and if an agreement cannot be made in 5 minutes, let the insurance companies deal with it. Comments such as "Nice," or "That's cute. That's adorable," or "Well that's great," should be spoken with mild interest, NOT WITH SARCASM. You are being sarcastic, but you do not want to have blame laid down by subtext. Words like "Oh, sorry," or "Oops," or "Hey, I see you here a lot," are satisfactory. Depending on how often you see this person, you may move it up to the next level.
The Friend of a Friend:
You have been formally introduced, but have only seen one another a couple times at a party or something. You share a mutual friend, so supposedly you have something in common with them besides the friend. If put in an awkward situation where the two of you are left alone, small talk must be used. Hopefully the awkward situation can be transformed into the beginnings of a friendship, thereby bringing you, them, and the friend closer together. When you see each other in the hallway you are REQUIRED to acknowledge their presence.
Next Week: Relationships: People You Do Know
Unless you plan on getting to know them better, do not acknowledge this person. Do not allow this person to acknowledge you without further questioning. They could be a total creep! Them acknowledging your existence could be a way to let their gang buddies know who their gonna target. You have no idea.
The Customer/Employee:
These people are still strangers, although you have an obligation to talk to them in order to get what you want/give them what they want. You do not know this person and may very well never see them again, but they are still people. Never treat them with disrespect, or rudeness. Conversation should always be extremely polite and should include "sir" or "ma'am." Customers' children are also people. Do not ignore them. You, as a customer, are not responsible for treating the employees how you feel you're being treated, in correlation with how good of a job you think they're doing, with enough anger/exasperation to get around the rules to get what you want, or with a condescending attitude.
The Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who's face you have seen before. You may say hello in the hallway, although you are not required to. You might say "How you doin'?" You don't care about the answer, but it's the lack of thought that counts. At least you asked. You don't just go up to them and laugh at them, or ignore them, or tell other people rumors about them. You might not have any relationship with this person, but what you say can make a difference on how they view themselves. You, as mostly an outsider but not total stranger, act as a valid third party. If you approve of them, and make that evident, they will improve their self-image. Never talk them down.
The Not-So-Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who you ran into like a brick wall on the subway. You exchanged "Sorry"s and "Excuse Me"s and had a brief laugh over the encounter. This is the person who you seem to always be next to in line at the store. This is the person you got in a car accident with, etc. You share a special connection, but have not been formally introduced, or if you have, you do not see them on a regular basis. You are allowed to touch this person via handshake, or hand to shoulder touch lasting no longer than 5 seconds. Word exchanges such as "Next time, you better watch your step," or "Klutz," or "Hey, watch it," or anything else that indicates fault are not appropriate. In the case of a car accident where fault needs to be discussed, hold temper down and if an agreement cannot be made in 5 minutes, let the insurance companies deal with it. Comments such as "Nice," or "That's cute. That's adorable," or "Well that's great," should be spoken with mild interest, NOT WITH SARCASM. You are being sarcastic, but you do not want to have blame laid down by subtext. Words like "Oh, sorry," or "Oops," or "Hey, I see you here a lot," are satisfactory. Depending on how often you see this person, you may move it up to the next level.
The Friend of a Friend:
You have been formally introduced, but have only seen one another a couple times at a party or something. You share a mutual friend, so supposedly you have something in common with them besides the friend. If put in an awkward situation where the two of you are left alone, small talk must be used. Hopefully the awkward situation can be transformed into the beginnings of a friendship, thereby bringing you, them, and the friend closer together. When you see each other in the hallway you are REQUIRED to acknowledge their presence.
Next Week: Relationships: People You Do Know
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Pride? Again?
I guess this means I'm back to square one.
When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."
Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.
But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?
I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."
I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?
As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.
I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.
So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.
But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.
Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.
good freakin' night.
When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."
Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.
But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?
I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."
I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?
As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.
I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.
So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.
But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.
Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.
good freakin' night.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Video Games and the Internet
Video Games and the Internet
I loved Elder Bednar’s fireside for two reasons: one, he said a lot of things that I’ve been saying for a while, especially in the last few weeks, and two, he also said several things that I NEEDED to hear.
First off: video games = evil.
If one could compare the societal prevalence of an addiction—that is to say how much society thinks of it as a damaging addiction—with the damage of an addiction, you get an interesting correlation. It seems that some of the least damaging addictions are widely known to be damaging in the first place, whereas more damaging addictions, tend to be less known as damaging addictions.
I’ll need examples to explain. WARNING—in this essay I’m using the word “prevalence” to mean that society in general regards a particular addiction as a dangerous addiction.
Smoking is probably the most prevalent addiction. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health and that its highly addictive. Prevalence is high. However, smoking is comparatively harmless. You will most likely die from it, although that death is far away. It will shave off years from your life. You also smell, and are hopelessly addicted to it—well not hopelessly, nothing’s hopeless, but you understand. All this makes it not very likely that you’ll get sucked into smoking. You know its bad. If you smoke, you knowingly damage your body.
Pornography/Masturbation is not very prevalent. Most people regard it as harmless, or a rite of passage, or a guy thing. Society in general thinks it perfectly harmless. They are very wrong though! Despite the low prevalence, damage is very high. It ruins your actual sexual experiences, it demeans the value you place on whatever gender you may be looking at, it perverts the mind, and most importantly it breaks up families. This makes it very dangerous. You are very likely to get roped into pornography/masturbation, thinking it harmless, and hardcore mess up your life. I’m sure many people reading this have this challenge.
The addiction I really want to talk about is gaming.
Prevalence is at an all-time low for this addiction. Everybody LOVES video games. Most people, especially boys, play them, and have played them since they were children. Almost everybody regards video games as a form of harmless entertainment, that is potentially educational. The only warning comes from Nintendo which started having a warning against playing too hard, pushing the buttons too hard can hurt your thumbs and lead to some joint disease.
Damage levels are through the roof on gaming, though. Gaming is highly addictive for nearly everybody. It takes a good deal of self control to stop. Even then, you wish you were still playing them and you think about them in other environments until you return to the game. Games are a huge time-waster. A person can spend hours upon hours playing video games, often not eating, sleeping, getting a job, paying attention to family members, doing schoolwork, talking to girlfriends, or any friends, etc. In other words, gamers will play games and nothing else until they are done—but they are never done.
Not only do video games waste time, but the content is often questionable. Video games are violent, more than half the time, and are occasionally sexual in some form. Video games therefore demean the value of human life. Also, many video games interact with other “real” people. People build intense relationships with people they have never met in the real world. This makes actual real-life people mean less to them. Video games take emotions in these cases. Often a person’s highlight of the week comes from a video gaming, or other computer experience, as Elder Bednar mentioned.
Also, video games tend to give a more scientific, or formulaic worldview. If x, then y. I hear all the time from heavy gamers something like this: “I don’t understand. I did blank and so and so didn’t blank. I can’t figure it out.” In video games a certain something will happen that has a definite cause. Also, one can go back, respawn, or restart to the same environment as before. This is not real. If you mess up, things will change. You cannot go back to something and have it be the same. There are so many different and complex consequences and conditions related to cause and effect relationships. Many subtleties can change the outcome of an event. This truth is sometimes lost to heavy gamers, whose view of reality slowly but surely disintegrates.
Damage from video game addiction can include, but is not limited to, losing your girlfriend/wife, losing your job, falling behind in school, losing faith in humanity, having a cynical, or comedic view of death, or loss of human life, complacency regarding violent actions, or visuals like gore, blood, and physical mutilation as well as violence, formulaic views of the world, start-over attitudes, spiritual decline, and misplaced emotions—not to mention over a dozen people have died playing video games.
Because of all this, I can almost guarantee that whoever is reading this has not only played a video game before, but hasn’t been able to stop before, or has wasted countless hours on video games, or computer games. The difference? Even I have wasted a lot of time on video games. I have missed school papers, ignored social obligations, including a girlfriend, so that I can play more video games—and I’ve always thought video games were bad. It is almost 100% likely that you have been influenced by video games in your life, therefore danger for this addiction is the highest of any other addiction I can think of. People think they’re harmless, but they’re not.
That is why I was so glad to hear somebody important, unlike me, to say some of these things. Elder Bednar is truly inspired of the Lord. When it comes from him, it comes from God.
I loved Elder Bednar’s fireside for two reasons: one, he said a lot of things that I’ve been saying for a while, especially in the last few weeks, and two, he also said several things that I NEEDED to hear.
First off: video games = evil.
If one could compare the societal prevalence of an addiction—that is to say how much society thinks of it as a damaging addiction—with the damage of an addiction, you get an interesting correlation. It seems that some of the least damaging addictions are widely known to be damaging in the first place, whereas more damaging addictions, tend to be less known as damaging addictions.
I’ll need examples to explain. WARNING—in this essay I’m using the word “prevalence” to mean that society in general regards a particular addiction as a dangerous addiction.
Smoking is probably the most prevalent addiction. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health and that its highly addictive. Prevalence is high. However, smoking is comparatively harmless. You will most likely die from it, although that death is far away. It will shave off years from your life. You also smell, and are hopelessly addicted to it—well not hopelessly, nothing’s hopeless, but you understand. All this makes it not very likely that you’ll get sucked into smoking. You know its bad. If you smoke, you knowingly damage your body.
Pornography/Masturbation is not very prevalent. Most people regard it as harmless, or a rite of passage, or a guy thing. Society in general thinks it perfectly harmless. They are very wrong though! Despite the low prevalence, damage is very high. It ruins your actual sexual experiences, it demeans the value you place on whatever gender you may be looking at, it perverts the mind, and most importantly it breaks up families. This makes it very dangerous. You are very likely to get roped into pornography/masturbation, thinking it harmless, and hardcore mess up your life. I’m sure many people reading this have this challenge.
The addiction I really want to talk about is gaming.
Prevalence is at an all-time low for this addiction. Everybody LOVES video games. Most people, especially boys, play them, and have played them since they were children. Almost everybody regards video games as a form of harmless entertainment, that is potentially educational. The only warning comes from Nintendo which started having a warning against playing too hard, pushing the buttons too hard can hurt your thumbs and lead to some joint disease.
Damage levels are through the roof on gaming, though. Gaming is highly addictive for nearly everybody. It takes a good deal of self control to stop. Even then, you wish you were still playing them and you think about them in other environments until you return to the game. Games are a huge time-waster. A person can spend hours upon hours playing video games, often not eating, sleeping, getting a job, paying attention to family members, doing schoolwork, talking to girlfriends, or any friends, etc. In other words, gamers will play games and nothing else until they are done—but they are never done.
Not only do video games waste time, but the content is often questionable. Video games are violent, more than half the time, and are occasionally sexual in some form. Video games therefore demean the value of human life. Also, many video games interact with other “real” people. People build intense relationships with people they have never met in the real world. This makes actual real-life people mean less to them. Video games take emotions in these cases. Often a person’s highlight of the week comes from a video gaming, or other computer experience, as Elder Bednar mentioned.
Also, video games tend to give a more scientific, or formulaic worldview. If x, then y. I hear all the time from heavy gamers something like this: “I don’t understand. I did blank and so and so didn’t blank. I can’t figure it out.” In video games a certain something will happen that has a definite cause. Also, one can go back, respawn, or restart to the same environment as before. This is not real. If you mess up, things will change. You cannot go back to something and have it be the same. There are so many different and complex consequences and conditions related to cause and effect relationships. Many subtleties can change the outcome of an event. This truth is sometimes lost to heavy gamers, whose view of reality slowly but surely disintegrates.
Damage from video game addiction can include, but is not limited to, losing your girlfriend/wife, losing your job, falling behind in school, losing faith in humanity, having a cynical, or comedic view of death, or loss of human life, complacency regarding violent actions, or visuals like gore, blood, and physical mutilation as well as violence, formulaic views of the world, start-over attitudes, spiritual decline, and misplaced emotions—not to mention over a dozen people have died playing video games.
Because of all this, I can almost guarantee that whoever is reading this has not only played a video game before, but hasn’t been able to stop before, or has wasted countless hours on video games, or computer games. The difference? Even I have wasted a lot of time on video games. I have missed school papers, ignored social obligations, including a girlfriend, so that I can play more video games—and I’ve always thought video games were bad. It is almost 100% likely that you have been influenced by video games in your life, therefore danger for this addiction is the highest of any other addiction I can think of. People think they’re harmless, but they’re not.
That is why I was so glad to hear somebody important, unlike me, to say some of these things. Elder Bednar is truly inspired of the Lord. When it comes from him, it comes from God.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
--temptation, that is.
As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.
As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.
I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.
I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.
That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.
I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.
Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.
Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.
As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.
As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.
I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.
I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.
That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.
I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.
Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.
Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
lovely survey--i have opinions and these are them
[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey? Sure.
[02] Would you do meth if it was legal? No. Drugs = addiction.
[03] Abortion: for or against it ? I think abortion is wrong unless the mother or child are going to die if it is kept. Mental illness pregnant people…idk about that one. Rape---abortion is bad. Think of how pumped you’d be if you found out your mom still had you even though she was raped. It totally sucks, and if you need to you should give it up for adoption, but in general abortion = murder. BUT BUT BUT, I don’t think abortion should be illegal. Facing facts, a lot of people don’t feel the same way i do. Abortion happens—whether its illegal or not. If abortion were illegal then people would go to unsafe, unregulated means that are WAY more dangerous.
[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female US president? Basically. I know that sounds really sexist….and it is, lol. I tend not to trust females in leadership positions.
[05] Do you believe in the death penalty? Yeah. I figure if we don’t know what do with them, God can figure it out up there.
[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? I think so. I mean, I bet we’d do less drugs if it were legal, you know ? People would be more responsible about it if it were legal.
[07] Are you for or against premarital sex ? Against. Sexual desire is a Godgiven trait that is made to be expressed between a man and a woman in marriage.
[08] Do you believe in God ? I sure do…I’ve mentioned Him a few times already.
[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized ? Okay, here goes. I’m all for gay rights. I think that it is terrible when people discriminate because of a person’s lifestyle. So what if they’re gay ? They are still children of God ! Gayness does not = bad people. Gayness doesn’t equal anything besides homosexual attraction. Go ahead and live your life the way that you want…but don’t call it marriage. Marriage is a divine institution started by God when he put Adam and Eve together. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the intention of having a family. I also believe that gay couples should not adopt. Children need both a male and female role model. There are some things that women are better at with kids, and some things that men are better at with kids.
[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many immigrants are moving into the country ? Immigrants are fun. Immigrants are responsible for a huge part of American culture. But for crying out loud, can you learn English ? If you want to come to my country there are a few things that you need to do for me to like you :
A) learn the language. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but most people speak English round these parts. I’m not asking for you to be proficiently amazing, but at least try to speak the freakin’ language.
B) Respect my religion. I know that I’m Christian. I don’t care what you are, but don’t ask for God to be taken away from the pledge or the nickels, don’t get all offended when everybody celebrates Christmas instead of Chanukkah or Ramadan. (I know I spelled Hannukah wrong. I’m not Jewish, sorry !) Channukah ? oh well.
C) Don’t force your culture on me. I should not be required to learn spanish for you and me to become friends. I like Cinco de Mayo, but I don’t have to celebrate it at school.
…and then we can be friends !
[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it ? 12 = YOUNG ! WTF is a 12-y-old girl doing having sex in the first place ? Lame. Potential rape victim, I guess. That totally sucks. That is a stinky situation. I think adoption is the best way to go. Maybe if the girls mom wants to care for the grandbaby, that’s fine. I mean, a lot of moms are still having kids when their children are 12 anyway.
[12] Should the alcohol age be kept at 21? Haha, this is probably the one thing I agree with Becca on. Alcohol age could be 44 or 2 for all the difference it’ll do me. My granddad was an alcoholic and I do NOT want anything close to that near my home. Alcohol = NO. As for going to parties with alcohol there are 4 excellent reasons why you shouldn’t go. 1 : you’ll give the appearance that you are okay with it. …and I’m not. 2 : The severity with which you view the situation will diminish. If you go to parties with alcohol you could blow it off as laughing at your drunk friends, when once you felt that it was damaging to society.
[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off? Its kinda like when your room is so messy that you don’t know where to start cleaning it up so you never do so your mom eventually has to clean it up for you so you don’t get nasty diseases from mold spores…Iraq…was a mistake. I don’t know where to start cleaning it up, but the USA doesn’t have a mom so….F-.
[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? Um…I’ve been suicidal a lot in my past. Suicide is a bad thing and we should be trying to help in any way we can to prevent it. Assisted suicide is a terrible thing. I’ve thought about asking my friends to kill me and stuff and to think what would have happened if I had asked and they would have been like « okay, where’s the gun ? » I DONT THINK SO. Illegal YES.
[15] Do you believe in spanking your children ? I think i should poke my children with a cattle prod because electric shock has proven to be the most effective stimulus in learning new behaviors with lab rats…yeah spanking is okay as long as you’re not psychotic.
[16] Would you burn your countries flag for a million dollars? As much as I like America, I am super-broke. Like superbad, only superbroke. I’d take the $.
[17] Who do you think would have made a better US president? McCain or Obama ? Obama. McCain seemed too complacent and jeez, America needs CHANGE.
[18] What is the biggest problem with society that needs to be dealt with? I think that people need to learn how to love, and to express that love. I think that if everyone recognized everyone else as sons and daughters of God instead of whatever group they are a part of. I hate it when someone starts out a sentence with « The gays » or « The mormons » or « Catholics » or « black people » or any other group. There are so many difference in each of these groups that it is impossible to say one thing about all of them, or even define who they are. Well, okay, black people is pretty cut and dry when it comes to are you or aren’t you, but every individual is just that—individual—and cannot be defined by sexual orientation, or religion, or race, or political views.
[19] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Come what judgments may. I know what I know. I’m just trying to figure stuff out. I’m not trying to tell someone how to think. I’m just telling people how I personally think. I know people think differently than I do and that’s okay. They’re still awesome.
[02] Would you do meth if it was legal? No. Drugs = addiction.
[03] Abortion: for or against it ? I think abortion is wrong unless the mother or child are going to die if it is kept. Mental illness pregnant people…idk about that one. Rape---abortion is bad. Think of how pumped you’d be if you found out your mom still had you even though she was raped. It totally sucks, and if you need to you should give it up for adoption, but in general abortion = murder. BUT BUT BUT, I don’t think abortion should be illegal. Facing facts, a lot of people don’t feel the same way i do. Abortion happens—whether its illegal or not. If abortion were illegal then people would go to unsafe, unregulated means that are WAY more dangerous.
[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female US president? Basically. I know that sounds really sexist….and it is, lol. I tend not to trust females in leadership positions.
[05] Do you believe in the death penalty? Yeah. I figure if we don’t know what do with them, God can figure it out up there.
[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? I think so. I mean, I bet we’d do less drugs if it were legal, you know ? People would be more responsible about it if it were legal.
[07] Are you for or against premarital sex ? Against. Sexual desire is a Godgiven trait that is made to be expressed between a man and a woman in marriage.
[08] Do you believe in God ? I sure do…I’ve mentioned Him a few times already.
[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized ? Okay, here goes. I’m all for gay rights. I think that it is terrible when people discriminate because of a person’s lifestyle. So what if they’re gay ? They are still children of God ! Gayness does not = bad people. Gayness doesn’t equal anything besides homosexual attraction. Go ahead and live your life the way that you want…but don’t call it marriage. Marriage is a divine institution started by God when he put Adam and Eve together. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the intention of having a family. I also believe that gay couples should not adopt. Children need both a male and female role model. There are some things that women are better at with kids, and some things that men are better at with kids.
[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many immigrants are moving into the country ? Immigrants are fun. Immigrants are responsible for a huge part of American culture. But for crying out loud, can you learn English ? If you want to come to my country there are a few things that you need to do for me to like you :
A) learn the language. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but most people speak English round these parts. I’m not asking for you to be proficiently amazing, but at least try to speak the freakin’ language.
B) Respect my religion. I know that I’m Christian. I don’t care what you are, but don’t ask for God to be taken away from the pledge or the nickels, don’t get all offended when everybody celebrates Christmas instead of Chanukkah or Ramadan. (I know I spelled Hannukah wrong. I’m not Jewish, sorry !) Channukah ? oh well.
C) Don’t force your culture on me. I should not be required to learn spanish for you and me to become friends. I like Cinco de Mayo, but I don’t have to celebrate it at school.
…and then we can be friends !
[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it ? 12 = YOUNG ! WTF is a 12-y-old girl doing having sex in the first place ? Lame. Potential rape victim, I guess. That totally sucks. That is a stinky situation. I think adoption is the best way to go. Maybe if the girls mom wants to care for the grandbaby, that’s fine. I mean, a lot of moms are still having kids when their children are 12 anyway.
[12] Should the alcohol age be kept at 21? Haha, this is probably the one thing I agree with Becca on. Alcohol age could be 44 or 2 for all the difference it’ll do me. My granddad was an alcoholic and I do NOT want anything close to that near my home. Alcohol = NO. As for going to parties with alcohol there are 4 excellent reasons why you shouldn’t go. 1 : you’ll give the appearance that you are okay with it. …and I’m not. 2 : The severity with which you view the situation will diminish. If you go to parties with alcohol you could blow it off as laughing at your drunk friends, when once you felt that it was damaging to society.
[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off? Its kinda like when your room is so messy that you don’t know where to start cleaning it up so you never do so your mom eventually has to clean it up for you so you don’t get nasty diseases from mold spores…Iraq…was a mistake. I don’t know where to start cleaning it up, but the USA doesn’t have a mom so….F-.
[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? Um…I’ve been suicidal a lot in my past. Suicide is a bad thing and we should be trying to help in any way we can to prevent it. Assisted suicide is a terrible thing. I’ve thought about asking my friends to kill me and stuff and to think what would have happened if I had asked and they would have been like « okay, where’s the gun ? » I DONT THINK SO. Illegal YES.
[15] Do you believe in spanking your children ? I think i should poke my children with a cattle prod because electric shock has proven to be the most effective stimulus in learning new behaviors with lab rats…yeah spanking is okay as long as you’re not psychotic.
[16] Would you burn your countries flag for a million dollars? As much as I like America, I am super-broke. Like superbad, only superbroke. I’d take the $.
[17] Who do you think would have made a better US president? McCain or Obama ? Obama. McCain seemed too complacent and jeez, America needs CHANGE.
[18] What is the biggest problem with society that needs to be dealt with? I think that people need to learn how to love, and to express that love. I think that if everyone recognized everyone else as sons and daughters of God instead of whatever group they are a part of. I hate it when someone starts out a sentence with « The gays » or « The mormons » or « Catholics » or « black people » or any other group. There are so many difference in each of these groups that it is impossible to say one thing about all of them, or even define who they are. Well, okay, black people is pretty cut and dry when it comes to are you or aren’t you, but every individual is just that—individual—and cannot be defined by sexual orientation, or religion, or race, or political views.
[19] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Come what judgments may. I know what I know. I’m just trying to figure stuff out. I’m not trying to tell someone how to think. I’m just telling people how I personally think. I know people think differently than I do and that’s okay. They’re still awesome.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
New People
so Rexburg is ridiculously empty. Like...parking lots, buildings...everywhere is empty.
It totally sucks.
However, I've gotten to be good friends with people that I barely knew before. They are totally not my type--in a friend way--but that's really okay. They are quiet. They are gamers. They are not artsy at all--well one is. But I've spent most of my time with these two guys so far this vacation and I love it. We just chill. We'll all be doing different things, but we like to be around each other. Its so cool to just be one of the guys. I think I'll still be friends with them and stuff after the rest of humanity comes back to Rexxxburg.
I'll be honest, one of the guys is really cute. He's totally my type--as in the type of guy I'm attracted to. That's kinda weird, but besides his body, he's totally not attractive. He's super-quiet, which I just can't deal with. Its okay as a friend, but it helps control my man-hunger.
Today I was in the weirdest mood. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to sit. I had a song in my head, but besides that nothing was in my head, besides how obviously awkward I was making Cat, 'cause SHE was certainly in a talking mood. I didn't mean to shut her down, I just didn't have a lot to say. I loved it! I'm never like that. I always have to say something, but not today. I think I've learned this from my new friends. We don't talk about anything. It's not even a challenge. We just don't talk a whole lot. We don't talk about politics, philosophy, my gayness, which they don't know about, religion, or our pasts, or hometowns...we just do stuff together. It's so liberating. I hope I can translate this into my life outside of vacation. I want to be able to remain silent. I don't like interrupting people or constantly telling stories. I HATE IT. I'm always blurting out things in an attempt to remain relevant.
I decided a while ago that I say so much stuff so that people won't suspect that I have something to hide...like the fact that I'm gay. But, I'm more free with that now. Now that my family knows, I don't care who knows. If it comes up, I'll talk about it.
In the meantime, I hardcore NEED a job.
---GABE
It totally sucks.
However, I've gotten to be good friends with people that I barely knew before. They are totally not my type--in a friend way--but that's really okay. They are quiet. They are gamers. They are not artsy at all--well one is. But I've spent most of my time with these two guys so far this vacation and I love it. We just chill. We'll all be doing different things, but we like to be around each other. Its so cool to just be one of the guys. I think I'll still be friends with them and stuff after the rest of humanity comes back to Rexxxburg.
I'll be honest, one of the guys is really cute. He's totally my type--as in the type of guy I'm attracted to. That's kinda weird, but besides his body, he's totally not attractive. He's super-quiet, which I just can't deal with. Its okay as a friend, but it helps control my man-hunger.
Today I was in the weirdest mood. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to sit. I had a song in my head, but besides that nothing was in my head, besides how obviously awkward I was making Cat, 'cause SHE was certainly in a talking mood. I didn't mean to shut her down, I just didn't have a lot to say. I loved it! I'm never like that. I always have to say something, but not today. I think I've learned this from my new friends. We don't talk about anything. It's not even a challenge. We just don't talk a whole lot. We don't talk about politics, philosophy, my gayness, which they don't know about, religion, or our pasts, or hometowns...we just do stuff together. It's so liberating. I hope I can translate this into my life outside of vacation. I want to be able to remain silent. I don't like interrupting people or constantly telling stories. I HATE IT. I'm always blurting out things in an attempt to remain relevant.
I decided a while ago that I say so much stuff so that people won't suspect that I have something to hide...like the fact that I'm gay. But, I'm more free with that now. Now that my family knows, I don't care who knows. If it comes up, I'll talk about it.
In the meantime, I hardcore NEED a job.
---GABE
Monday, April 6, 2009
ZUT!! Ma famille n'est pas parfaite!
ZUT! Ma Famille n’est pas parfaite!
Well…I need to talk.
I’m gay. I like boys. I really want to kiss boys. I want to cuddle with boys. Sometimes at night I just…I really want to have a man right there with me. I feel like there’s an empty place in my bed that should be filled…preferably with a man. The only thing that helps me sleep on these nights is remembering that Jesus loves me and that he can help me through things. Cuddling with a pillow doesn’t work…’cause I only have one pillow. Sad day.
Sometimes I feel so lonely. I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I feel like my friends don’t like me, or that I hang out with them, not vice versa. For example, I go into my friends rooms to say hi. They go into each other’s rooms all the time. Only one of my friends ever comes in my room when I’m in here by myself and that is still a rare occasion. I’m rooming with one of my friends next semester. I don’t even know how that’s going to go. I think he’s tired of me, or that he doesn’t like me anymore. He himself has seemed a little out of sorts lately, but I don’t feel like he’d appreciate me coming in.
I especially feel lonely when it comes to my family. A month ago I came out to my two oldest sisters who live in Utah while I was down there for a fireside. Everything went fine, but those two sisters don’t really get along or see eye to eye. A week or two later, I came out to the rest of my siblings (one more sister and two brothers-in-law). I had to do it over the phone because I couldn’t get down to Utah in time without missing a major test. I felt horrible in the first place for doing it over the phone. After I told them the big news, they got me off the phone real quick and had a conversation that I don’t think went very well.
I got a call later that night from my inactive sister. After I told her the first time, she just wanted to make sure that I was happy staying in the church and that she’d still love me if I wanted to pursue another lifestyle. I was touched, and shocked. Nobody had ever reacted like that. I pretty much bore my testimony to her of how happiness comes from following the gospel. Anyway. She called me again that night and she was really upset. She said that my even older sister that she doesn’t get along with said something like “well at least I didn’t try to convince him to leave the church!” I was shocked that she’d say that. I mean, I told her about the conversation with Alana, but I thought I made it pretty clear that she wasn’t trying to get me to leave the church.
I was pretty upset. I couldn’t believe that my oldest sister would say that. I decided that I was going to confront her about it. So the next day my oldest sister called. We had an okay conversation and then she started saying some negative things about my inactive sister and I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you’d say that to her. That is not what I said, that is not what she said.” I explained. Then I said “You should back off of [inactive sister.] The best thing we can do is just be a good example.” My oldest sister completely freaked out. She said that she didn’t appreciate me telling her what to do with [inactive sister] and that I was being judgmental and that it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do. I was crushed. I’ve always been really close with my oldest sister. We pretty much never fought.
That was the last time I heard from any of my sisters apart from a little brief texting and one accident where I talked to my NH sister when I called my house. I wanted to talk to my parents who I talk to all the time. I just wished that any of them would call me and tell me what the heck is going on! I have no idea how my NH sister reacted, or worse, her husband. I just wished that I knew that they still loved me. It was completely inappropriate that they used me as a facilitator for their fighting. It made me feel horrible that I talked to them and then they fought about it. I hate that they fight. I hate how they don’t just get along. My oldest sister feels responsible to guilt my inactive sister into being more active, and my inactive sister takes it as an attack on her, which it pretty much is. I hate it so much.
So I feel really lonely. I don’t feel loved by anybody…except Cat and my delta friends. I feel like a bad person. I feel like maybe people shouldn’t like me. I guess that will take further explanation. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that online, though. I just wish everybody knew all the things that I had done and loved me anyway. I just told one of my friends about a dark secret of mine and before I could even fully explain he said “you are a dead man.” I don’t think he took it well. Those of you who were at the Rexburg-IF group time before last know what I’m talking about.
UGH. I was so not ready for someone to think I’m a bad person for serious. I don’t know what I’m ready for. Love? I don’t even know if I’d allow new people to love me. I don’t know how serious I can take someone saying they like me, or that they’re my best friend. They always lie.
:(
Well…I need to talk.
I’m gay. I like boys. I really want to kiss boys. I want to cuddle with boys. Sometimes at night I just…I really want to have a man right there with me. I feel like there’s an empty place in my bed that should be filled…preferably with a man. The only thing that helps me sleep on these nights is remembering that Jesus loves me and that he can help me through things. Cuddling with a pillow doesn’t work…’cause I only have one pillow. Sad day.
Sometimes I feel so lonely. I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I feel like my friends don’t like me, or that I hang out with them, not vice versa. For example, I go into my friends rooms to say hi. They go into each other’s rooms all the time. Only one of my friends ever comes in my room when I’m in here by myself and that is still a rare occasion. I’m rooming with one of my friends next semester. I don’t even know how that’s going to go. I think he’s tired of me, or that he doesn’t like me anymore. He himself has seemed a little out of sorts lately, but I don’t feel like he’d appreciate me coming in.
I especially feel lonely when it comes to my family. A month ago I came out to my two oldest sisters who live in Utah while I was down there for a fireside. Everything went fine, but those two sisters don’t really get along or see eye to eye. A week or two later, I came out to the rest of my siblings (one more sister and two brothers-in-law). I had to do it over the phone because I couldn’t get down to Utah in time without missing a major test. I felt horrible in the first place for doing it over the phone. After I told them the big news, they got me off the phone real quick and had a conversation that I don’t think went very well.
I got a call later that night from my inactive sister. After I told her the first time, she just wanted to make sure that I was happy staying in the church and that she’d still love me if I wanted to pursue another lifestyle. I was touched, and shocked. Nobody had ever reacted like that. I pretty much bore my testimony to her of how happiness comes from following the gospel. Anyway. She called me again that night and she was really upset. She said that my even older sister that she doesn’t get along with said something like “well at least I didn’t try to convince him to leave the church!” I was shocked that she’d say that. I mean, I told her about the conversation with Alana, but I thought I made it pretty clear that she wasn’t trying to get me to leave the church.
I was pretty upset. I couldn’t believe that my oldest sister would say that. I decided that I was going to confront her about it. So the next day my oldest sister called. We had an okay conversation and then she started saying some negative things about my inactive sister and I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you’d say that to her. That is not what I said, that is not what she said.” I explained. Then I said “You should back off of [inactive sister.] The best thing we can do is just be a good example.” My oldest sister completely freaked out. She said that she didn’t appreciate me telling her what to do with [inactive sister] and that I was being judgmental and that it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do. I was crushed. I’ve always been really close with my oldest sister. We pretty much never fought.
That was the last time I heard from any of my sisters apart from a little brief texting and one accident where I talked to my NH sister when I called my house. I wanted to talk to my parents who I talk to all the time. I just wished that any of them would call me and tell me what the heck is going on! I have no idea how my NH sister reacted, or worse, her husband. I just wished that I knew that they still loved me. It was completely inappropriate that they used me as a facilitator for their fighting. It made me feel horrible that I talked to them and then they fought about it. I hate that they fight. I hate how they don’t just get along. My oldest sister feels responsible to guilt my inactive sister into being more active, and my inactive sister takes it as an attack on her, which it pretty much is. I hate it so much.
So I feel really lonely. I don’t feel loved by anybody…except Cat and my delta friends. I feel like a bad person. I feel like maybe people shouldn’t like me. I guess that will take further explanation. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that online, though. I just wish everybody knew all the things that I had done and loved me anyway. I just told one of my friends about a dark secret of mine and before I could even fully explain he said “you are a dead man.” I don’t think he took it well. Those of you who were at the Rexburg-IF group time before last know what I’m talking about.
UGH. I was so not ready for someone to think I’m a bad person for serious. I don’t know what I’m ready for. Love? I don’t even know if I’d allow new people to love me. I don’t know how serious I can take someone saying they like me, or that they’re my best friend. They always lie.
:(
Friday, March 6, 2009
Insensitive
At least three times this week I have said stupid things. I just go on and on in my stories, and then when I see people’s reactions, I immediately make the connection that I hit a touchy subject. The other day I was talking about how much I love my dad and what we used to do together when I was a kid. Then one of my friends left abruptly, and I realized that I totally hit a bad subject. I was looking at him the entire time, too. He has a pretty bad relationship with his dad. They don’t get along so well. I felt horrible. I think I might have really hurt his feelings. He left the group for a minute.
O my gosh, when I realized how sensitive that topic might be, I felt horrible.
Is that weird?
Another time, I just started talking about one of my friends’ ex-boyfriends and all that he’s been up to recently—mostly with girls. When I realized that she was his ex-girlfriend I immediately felt so bad. I just wasted a good five minutes on offending my friend. I just forgot.
I’m a scatterbrain.
I’m insensitive.
Jerk? I know I’m a jerk. This is truth. Most of the time when I say mean things, I just say it to joke around. Sometimes, though, it’s not so jokingly and it’s sometimes personally offensive.
Some people would do anything to be funny. I don’t want to be one of those people.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
In Memoriam Viri
I miss him so much. He knew so much. If anything, my desire to learn and my avid curiosity about the world around me came from him more than from my own Dad. He and my dad didn’t have the best relationship. They loved each other, but things were rough after all that he’d done. I didn’t know him when he was a drunk. He is an inspiration to me because he got over his addiction and became a really cool guy. He became someone that I could always look up to. He did more things to ruin his life with booze than I ever did. He ruined his home, broke ties with his family, abused his wife and kids, which all ended in a divorce, ten years of recovery, and his last consequence was his death. I…just lost spirituality and I can’t go on a mission when I want to. He got over it, though.
When he died he was my hero.
I’ll never forget when I was four and went around with him in his car. He knew everything. When I drove around with my dad, he skirted around questions, and gave me vague answers. My granddad knew exactly how to explain things so I would understand. I think that’s actually the first time I ever saw him. I wouldn’t know—I don’t remember much before that. He told me all about the cows, deer, and agriculture. He would tell me stories like you wouldn’t believe.
One time, he was out shooting in Nevada—in a place that he wasn’t supposed to be. He set up camp underneath this trailer. The trailer, apparently, was the target for a combat exercise for the military. He wakes up to gunfire all around him. He knew he was in trouble by then. He figured the smartest thing to do was to stay under the trailer. After the gunfire was over he left, but his car had been dashed to pieces by the “attack.” He had to be taken out of there by a helicopter and he got home somehow. Several months later he got a neat bill from the military for over six thousand dollars documenting every expense: removing his car, trespassing fines, and the helicopter ride.
I’m not sure if I believe that one completely.
One time, when he was managing a grocery store, he was robbed and he chased the thieves out into the parking lot. He was holding onto their car trying to coerce them, but they ran up next to a brick wall and knocked him off on the corner…I think that story involves a shotgun, but I don’t remember who had it and why nobody got shot.
I don’t know why I’m telling these stories. I guess they’re what I like to remember him by. I love stories. My dad can attest to that. After probably a hundred fishing trips, I let it slip that I don’t really like fishing and only went to collect rocks and listen to stories. I still like fishing—mostly for the nostalgia. I feel like I have to come up with a story for everything. If I know a story that has anything to do with what’s being said I HAVE to tell it. I know its annoying, but that’s who I am.
I guess I should tell one of my stories.
One time, when I was in Utah, I had a misunderstanding with my dad. My dad and I don’t speak the same English. I wanted to see my friend Matt in Utah really bad. My dad dropped me off there at night and said he’d see me tomorrow. I was kinda disappointed because we were leaving the next day and we never got to see grandpa. I spent most of the next day with Matt and when we got back to his house around 4:00, I found out that my dad had been trying to get a hold of me all day. He wanted me to leave Matt’s house in the morning so we could visit my great aunt Cathy (who’s really cool) and my granddad. I had no idea we had plans for that day. We didn’t have very long to get all the way up to Layton and back down to the airport, but we did it anyway through a compromise with Alana.
We made our way up to Layton, where my granddad lived. I hadn’t seen him in a couple years. I knew his health was failing, but he seemed like I always remembered him the last time I saw him two years previously. The whole way up was silent because I was angry that I misunderstood my dad and I was tense because we were barely going to make it in time.
When we walked inside my soul dropped. My granddad was lying there so emaciated from his diseases that he must have lost a third of his weight since I’d seen him. The skin was clinging to his bones and he needed help with everything. I wanted to burst into tears, but I was determined to look happy for him. We exchanged a few stories, caught each other up on life. He would say obscene things about the invading Mexicans, and my dad and I would try not to judge him. Just like old times. Except that this was one of the last times.
We left because we had to, not because we wanted to. We had to catch a red eye flight home and my dad had work the next morning. As soon as I stepped into the rental car I fell into uncontrollable sobbing. I knew that I would be lucky to ever see him again. I had no idea how bad his condition was. I felt so foolish for thinking that we wouldn’t visit him. I felt terrible for making our stay so brief. I had held in my torment for half an hour and now I couldn’t hold it any longer. For at least a full minute I could barely breathe between my tears and gasping breaths. How could this happen? I fully realized then that my granddad was going to die. I started the pre-grieving process. Many of you probably know what it’s like to know that a loved one could die any moment. He lived for a year and a half after that moment, but I will never forget it. I was able to see him at least another time.
At the beginning of March 2007 I was informed that my granddad was in failing health. He had been relocated to a hospital where he could receive constant treatment. His organs were failing. I was told that it would be any day now. The pain was tremendous. I tried not to think about it too much. I tried to go through the final few weeks of the school show, Grease. I tried not to focus on my phone during rehearsal, waiting for the dreaded call.
I was in rehearsal. My mom called me and said that I needed to go straight home after rehearsal. She wanted me to stay, but to come home as soon as I could. The rest of the rehearsal was so surreal. I felt like I was floating through the motions. I ran to my car and got home to find everyone crowded around the kitchen. My dad delivered the bad news: his father had died.
We left the next morning to go to Utah. I went to school early and informed all of my teachers. Some showed great sympathy, the rest…were men. I particularly remember Mrs. Squier—now Mrs… somebody else. I can’t believe I can’t remember. Anyway, she related to me how several of her relatives had died that year and she sincerely wished me luck with everything. It really helped. I travelled with Lauren. We tried to keep our cool and act like normal. It worked. We were okay—until we were landing in Utah. I saw the familiar places on our way down and I just…had to cry. I don’t remember who picked us up, but we all went down to Fillmore within the next day. We stayed with our good friends, the Jenkins. For a few days we saw more and more cousins…well, not really—just my family, Kaden, and Kyra. Jason’s kids couldn’t go. It was nice to see them. The day of the funeral was really cool. There were so many people, including my granddad’s girlfriend, Cheryl, who I hadn’t seen in ages. I saw my great uncle Raymon for the first time since I could remember. He’s really cool, too. I was back in Fillmore. Many people I knew and loved ones all in one place for one purpose.
The actual service was terrifying. First, the closest of family came to a viewing before the actual ceremony. There we said our last goodbyes to him. All the children spoke at the actual service. My favorite was Jeanna’s talk because it seemed so well prepared and calming. She had a different kind of experience with her father. She was very young when her parents got divorced. She didn’t know her father much at all when she was a kid. She was, however, the closest to him towards the end because she was the only one who lived in Utah still. That’s how I remember him—after alcohol, before disease.
The scariest part was the singing. I sang “Abide with Me” with my dad’s best friend, Doug, at the actual funeral. I have never felt the Spirit more during any other song, ever. I was able to make it the whole song before I cried significantly at the actual ceremony. After that, I was a wreck. My cousin, Kaden, and I were both pall-bearers along with the sons, the brother, and someone else, I don’t remember. After we placed him in the hearse I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to do. That’s when my aunt Kathy (a different one than before) gave me a big hug. I still remember that as the best hug in my life. I really needed it, I really hugged back, and it really made me feel better. She gives great hugs, if any of you know her.
The next few days I spent with my cousins and friends. We had a great time. 4-wheeling and rabbit-hunting…make that failed rabbit-hunting. You can just ask my dad how well the safety works on Doug’s gun. I love my family. I love Fillmore. I went home the next day…to show week. It was so hard adjusting from Utah to stress for theatre. I wasn’t the same.
The next summer, or maybe it was April a year later, we were driving around in Utah. We were going to head up some canyon outside of Fillmore. We passed right by the cemetery and right back without stopping. I really wanted to visit my granddad. I don’t think I was completely ready for it, anyway. He’s still there next to our family. I will visit him sometime—hopefully in April.
I do miss him.
One of the last things he said to me was “Don’t do anything stupid!” He meant is as advice, and it was good advice. I haven’t followed it, exactly, but I know that he wants me to learn from his mistakes. He is an example to me of someone who can overcome their addictions to make their lives better. My dad didn’t even let him know I existed until he was certain that my granddad was safe and off liquor. I’m glad he did get off it, because I wouldn’t be able to make it through some days without remembering him.
I love you, Granddad John.
When he died he was my hero.
I’ll never forget when I was four and went around with him in his car. He knew everything. When I drove around with my dad, he skirted around questions, and gave me vague answers. My granddad knew exactly how to explain things so I would understand. I think that’s actually the first time I ever saw him. I wouldn’t know—I don’t remember much before that. He told me all about the cows, deer, and agriculture. He would tell me stories like you wouldn’t believe.
One time, he was out shooting in Nevada—in a place that he wasn’t supposed to be. He set up camp underneath this trailer. The trailer, apparently, was the target for a combat exercise for the military. He wakes up to gunfire all around him. He knew he was in trouble by then. He figured the smartest thing to do was to stay under the trailer. After the gunfire was over he left, but his car had been dashed to pieces by the “attack.” He had to be taken out of there by a helicopter and he got home somehow. Several months later he got a neat bill from the military for over six thousand dollars documenting every expense: removing his car, trespassing fines, and the helicopter ride.
I’m not sure if I believe that one completely.
One time, when he was managing a grocery store, he was robbed and he chased the thieves out into the parking lot. He was holding onto their car trying to coerce them, but they ran up next to a brick wall and knocked him off on the corner…I think that story involves a shotgun, but I don’t remember who had it and why nobody got shot.
I don’t know why I’m telling these stories. I guess they’re what I like to remember him by. I love stories. My dad can attest to that. After probably a hundred fishing trips, I let it slip that I don’t really like fishing and only went to collect rocks and listen to stories. I still like fishing—mostly for the nostalgia. I feel like I have to come up with a story for everything. If I know a story that has anything to do with what’s being said I HAVE to tell it. I know its annoying, but that’s who I am.
I guess I should tell one of my stories.
One time, when I was in Utah, I had a misunderstanding with my dad. My dad and I don’t speak the same English. I wanted to see my friend Matt in Utah really bad. My dad dropped me off there at night and said he’d see me tomorrow. I was kinda disappointed because we were leaving the next day and we never got to see grandpa. I spent most of the next day with Matt and when we got back to his house around 4:00, I found out that my dad had been trying to get a hold of me all day. He wanted me to leave Matt’s house in the morning so we could visit my great aunt Cathy (who’s really cool) and my granddad. I had no idea we had plans for that day. We didn’t have very long to get all the way up to Layton and back down to the airport, but we did it anyway through a compromise with Alana.
We made our way up to Layton, where my granddad lived. I hadn’t seen him in a couple years. I knew his health was failing, but he seemed like I always remembered him the last time I saw him two years previously. The whole way up was silent because I was angry that I misunderstood my dad and I was tense because we were barely going to make it in time.
When we walked inside my soul dropped. My granddad was lying there so emaciated from his diseases that he must have lost a third of his weight since I’d seen him. The skin was clinging to his bones and he needed help with everything. I wanted to burst into tears, but I was determined to look happy for him. We exchanged a few stories, caught each other up on life. He would say obscene things about the invading Mexicans, and my dad and I would try not to judge him. Just like old times. Except that this was one of the last times.
We left because we had to, not because we wanted to. We had to catch a red eye flight home and my dad had work the next morning. As soon as I stepped into the rental car I fell into uncontrollable sobbing. I knew that I would be lucky to ever see him again. I had no idea how bad his condition was. I felt so foolish for thinking that we wouldn’t visit him. I felt terrible for making our stay so brief. I had held in my torment for half an hour and now I couldn’t hold it any longer. For at least a full minute I could barely breathe between my tears and gasping breaths. How could this happen? I fully realized then that my granddad was going to die. I started the pre-grieving process. Many of you probably know what it’s like to know that a loved one could die any moment. He lived for a year and a half after that moment, but I will never forget it. I was able to see him at least another time.
At the beginning of March 2007 I was informed that my granddad was in failing health. He had been relocated to a hospital where he could receive constant treatment. His organs were failing. I was told that it would be any day now. The pain was tremendous. I tried not to think about it too much. I tried to go through the final few weeks of the school show, Grease. I tried not to focus on my phone during rehearsal, waiting for the dreaded call.
I was in rehearsal. My mom called me and said that I needed to go straight home after rehearsal. She wanted me to stay, but to come home as soon as I could. The rest of the rehearsal was so surreal. I felt like I was floating through the motions. I ran to my car and got home to find everyone crowded around the kitchen. My dad delivered the bad news: his father had died.
We left the next morning to go to Utah. I went to school early and informed all of my teachers. Some showed great sympathy, the rest…were men. I particularly remember Mrs. Squier—now Mrs… somebody else. I can’t believe I can’t remember. Anyway, she related to me how several of her relatives had died that year and she sincerely wished me luck with everything. It really helped. I travelled with Lauren. We tried to keep our cool and act like normal. It worked. We were okay—until we were landing in Utah. I saw the familiar places on our way down and I just…had to cry. I don’t remember who picked us up, but we all went down to Fillmore within the next day. We stayed with our good friends, the Jenkins. For a few days we saw more and more cousins…well, not really—just my family, Kaden, and Kyra. Jason’s kids couldn’t go. It was nice to see them. The day of the funeral was really cool. There were so many people, including my granddad’s girlfriend, Cheryl, who I hadn’t seen in ages. I saw my great uncle Raymon for the first time since I could remember. He’s really cool, too. I was back in Fillmore. Many people I knew and loved ones all in one place for one purpose.
The actual service was terrifying. First, the closest of family came to a viewing before the actual ceremony. There we said our last goodbyes to him. All the children spoke at the actual service. My favorite was Jeanna’s talk because it seemed so well prepared and calming. She had a different kind of experience with her father. She was very young when her parents got divorced. She didn’t know her father much at all when she was a kid. She was, however, the closest to him towards the end because she was the only one who lived in Utah still. That’s how I remember him—after alcohol, before disease.
The scariest part was the singing. I sang “Abide with Me” with my dad’s best friend, Doug, at the actual funeral. I have never felt the Spirit more during any other song, ever. I was able to make it the whole song before I cried significantly at the actual ceremony. After that, I was a wreck. My cousin, Kaden, and I were both pall-bearers along with the sons, the brother, and someone else, I don’t remember. After we placed him in the hearse I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to do. That’s when my aunt Kathy (a different one than before) gave me a big hug. I still remember that as the best hug in my life. I really needed it, I really hugged back, and it really made me feel better. She gives great hugs, if any of you know her.
The next few days I spent with my cousins and friends. We had a great time. 4-wheeling and rabbit-hunting…make that failed rabbit-hunting. You can just ask my dad how well the safety works on Doug’s gun. I love my family. I love Fillmore. I went home the next day…to show week. It was so hard adjusting from Utah to stress for theatre. I wasn’t the same.
The next summer, or maybe it was April a year later, we were driving around in Utah. We were going to head up some canyon outside of Fillmore. We passed right by the cemetery and right back without stopping. I really wanted to visit my granddad. I don’t think I was completely ready for it, anyway. He’s still there next to our family. I will visit him sometime—hopefully in April.
I do miss him.
One of the last things he said to me was “Don’t do anything stupid!” He meant is as advice, and it was good advice. I haven’t followed it, exactly, but I know that he wants me to learn from his mistakes. He is an example to me of someone who can overcome their addictions to make their lives better. My dad didn’t even let him know I existed until he was certain that my granddad was safe and off liquor. I’m glad he did get off it, because I wouldn’t be able to make it through some days without remembering him.
I love you, Granddad John.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
SegastaGlorious
It's really not fair.
She has a past...a recent one.
She really wants to change.
She made really bad decisions right before coming here...but now she's here. Things are so different now. I am so proud of her. She took an ugly situation and saw what she needed to do. When she got here, she met the right people. The Spirit of Ricks took her by storm and now she wants so bad to be somebody better...and she has a really great start. She cares. She knows who the enemy is (Satan) and she has become able to recognize evil and stay away from it. She has grown so much in the short time that I've known her. Her faith has grown so much. She used to say things that were just like...wow, she's a total ho...but now she says things and its like...that's so true. Especially the last two weeks, she has been so good and so clean. Anybody could tell that she has made huge strides in her spirituality. Now God matters to her. God is number 1 to her.
Things are rough for her. I know what it's like getting over an addiction. The feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and frustration can at times be unbearable. It took me the biggest mistake of my life to scare me enough to change, that on top of my friend asking me to baptize him set me on the right track prontissimo. This time, though, wanting to come back to Christ and focusing on the Lord has taken me a long time. It's still difficult. She, on the other hand, made that switch in mindset so fast. Now it seems like nothing can get in her way to repentance.
...except for Exhibit A: Selena
Selena is a total ho. There's no way around it. She lives her life the way much of America lives their lives. The problem with that is we are all trying to live a better life--a happier life. Selena gets in the way. She has made it hard on everybody, including me, to make progress. Everybody has had issues and has had to talk to the Bishop because of the influence Selena is on that room. Sometimes I have really spiritual moments in that room. I have felt the Spirit there more than once. Never has this occurred when Selena is over there. She takes it away. Not only does she make it hard for us to keep clean thoughts and feel the Spirit, but she also mocks us for trying, sets an extremely poor example, and gives no respect for her roommates or the church.
Why is she even here?
So now, Selena has a good chance of getting kicked out, but our hero-girl might also get kicked out. WHAT? Hero-girl has made so much progress. She belongs here. She needs to be here so she can grow in the right environment. Selena, on the other hand, has made 0 progress, nor does she want to. She is loose, disrespectful, rude, and crude. She's gotta go.
Its not fair that SegastaGlorious might have to leave. If she goes back home it'll be so much harder for her to be the righteous daughter of God that she wants to be.
I'm really proud of her, and I hope she'll be able to stay.
---real names? who needs real names?
She has a past...a recent one.
She really wants to change.
She made really bad decisions right before coming here...but now she's here. Things are so different now. I am so proud of her. She took an ugly situation and saw what she needed to do. When she got here, she met the right people. The Spirit of Ricks took her by storm and now she wants so bad to be somebody better...and she has a really great start. She cares. She knows who the enemy is (Satan) and she has become able to recognize evil and stay away from it. She has grown so much in the short time that I've known her. Her faith has grown so much. She used to say things that were just like...wow, she's a total ho...but now she says things and its like...that's so true. Especially the last two weeks, she has been so good and so clean. Anybody could tell that she has made huge strides in her spirituality. Now God matters to her. God is number 1 to her.
Things are rough for her. I know what it's like getting over an addiction. The feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and frustration can at times be unbearable. It took me the biggest mistake of my life to scare me enough to change, that on top of my friend asking me to baptize him set me on the right track prontissimo. This time, though, wanting to come back to Christ and focusing on the Lord has taken me a long time. It's still difficult. She, on the other hand, made that switch in mindset so fast. Now it seems like nothing can get in her way to repentance.
...except for Exhibit A: Selena
Selena is a total ho. There's no way around it. She lives her life the way much of America lives their lives. The problem with that is we are all trying to live a better life--a happier life. Selena gets in the way. She has made it hard on everybody, including me, to make progress. Everybody has had issues and has had to talk to the Bishop because of the influence Selena is on that room. Sometimes I have really spiritual moments in that room. I have felt the Spirit there more than once. Never has this occurred when Selena is over there. She takes it away. Not only does she make it hard for us to keep clean thoughts and feel the Spirit, but she also mocks us for trying, sets an extremely poor example, and gives no respect for her roommates or the church.
Why is she even here?
So now, Selena has a good chance of getting kicked out, but our hero-girl might also get kicked out. WHAT? Hero-girl has made so much progress. She belongs here. She needs to be here so she can grow in the right environment. Selena, on the other hand, has made 0 progress, nor does she want to. She is loose, disrespectful, rude, and crude. She's gotta go.
Its not fair that SegastaGlorious might have to leave. If she goes back home it'll be so much harder for her to be the righteous daughter of God that she wants to be.
I'm really proud of her, and I hope she'll be able to stay.
---real names? who needs real names?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Americano?
You know the song "Handlebars" by Flobots?
duh. You are most likely some teenage weirdo who knows this kid, Gabe and if you do, you know the song. That's the way of the multiverse.
This song is a commentary on American arrogance. It gets more and more obvious. Pretty much, American can do anything. We therefore command respect from everyone.
There is a general philosophy in America to go around the system to get what you want, or even just because you can. For example, riding a bike with no handlebars. You can still ride a bike without having to use the handlebars. Likewise, you can have the Afghanis fight your war against the Soviet Union for you. We want to have a war with the USSR, but they invaded Afghanistan, not us (because we wouldn't give them aid before, by the way). We get all excited to go to war with the USSR, but if WE do it ourselves a nuclear war might erupt...that'd be smart. MAD ensures that any sane person would never nuke another country. Anyway, we just have Afghanistan go to our war. It devastated their nation and as soon as they were done keeping the Soviet Union out of Afghanistan, we ran away. Now Afghanistan is pissed at us for not helping them...so their premier terrorist group gives us the biggest terrorist attack in history. That's pretty much when we fell off the bike because we weren't holding on to the handlebars.
That's pretty much how America does everything. "Handlebars" shows how stupid this philosophy is. We can do anything we want. We break international laws all the time, but who's checking America? The UN? right. We use our power to our advantage. Who in their right mind would argue with the US? If you screw us, we'll just stop trading with you. Way to go, stopping trade with the biggest international consumer in the world. America doesn't care about the little guys in the world. We only care when it affects us. How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before 9/11? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before Kuwait? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before the 70s trade embargo? How many of us still know nothing about the Middle East?
The only reason why we care is because they bombed us, they give us oil, and one of the pillars of their religion is to take over the world. Small exaggeration, maybe, but it's true.
Who cared about China before we realized that our trade deficit with them is 5% of our GDP?
Who cared about China before they turned to communism? Nobody. Now they're one of the leading powers in the world. They could defeat us. Hands down. If for any reason we ever went to war with China, we would have to resort to nuclear war in order to win...and then everybody loses. How could you survive without products made in China?
So what do you know about China? The capitol city? What about Tibet? I think they should get the independence that they desire.
anyway.
Learn about the world! You're in it. American society is failing.
I love America, by the way. I truly believe that this country was created with instruction from the Lord. But we don't have to make the entire world like America instead of accepting other cultures as existent.
End of rant.
duh. You are most likely some teenage weirdo who knows this kid, Gabe and if you do, you know the song. That's the way of the multiverse.
This song is a commentary on American arrogance. It gets more and more obvious. Pretty much, American can do anything. We therefore command respect from everyone.
There is a general philosophy in America to go around the system to get what you want, or even just because you can. For example, riding a bike with no handlebars. You can still ride a bike without having to use the handlebars. Likewise, you can have the Afghanis fight your war against the Soviet Union for you. We want to have a war with the USSR, but they invaded Afghanistan, not us (because we wouldn't give them aid before, by the way). We get all excited to go to war with the USSR, but if WE do it ourselves a nuclear war might erupt...that'd be smart. MAD ensures that any sane person would never nuke another country. Anyway, we just have Afghanistan go to our war. It devastated their nation and as soon as they were done keeping the Soviet Union out of Afghanistan, we ran away. Now Afghanistan is pissed at us for not helping them...so their premier terrorist group gives us the biggest terrorist attack in history. That's pretty much when we fell off the bike because we weren't holding on to the handlebars.
That's pretty much how America does everything. "Handlebars" shows how stupid this philosophy is. We can do anything we want. We break international laws all the time, but who's checking America? The UN? right. We use our power to our advantage. Who in their right mind would argue with the US? If you screw us, we'll just stop trading with you. Way to go, stopping trade with the biggest international consumer in the world. America doesn't care about the little guys in the world. We only care when it affects us. How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before 9/11? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before Kuwait? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before the 70s trade embargo? How many of us still know nothing about the Middle East?
The only reason why we care is because they bombed us, they give us oil, and one of the pillars of their religion is to take over the world. Small exaggeration, maybe, but it's true.
Who cared about China before we realized that our trade deficit with them is 5% of our GDP?
Who cared about China before they turned to communism? Nobody. Now they're one of the leading powers in the world. They could defeat us. Hands down. If for any reason we ever went to war with China, we would have to resort to nuclear war in order to win...and then everybody loses. How could you survive without products made in China?
So what do you know about China? The capitol city? What about Tibet? I think they should get the independence that they desire.
anyway.
Learn about the world! You're in it. American society is failing.
I love America, by the way. I truly believe that this country was created with instruction from the Lord. But we don't have to make the entire world like America instead of accepting other cultures as existent.
End of rant.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
I can't believe I put up with him for so long.
There are four big reasons why I did it.
1. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
I was talking to my dad the other day about this whole mess. We talked for an hour, but the best advice I got from him about Tterrag was this: When he was my age he was either on his mission or in college and he was having the same problem I was having. He was trying to help people--give them advice, guidance, direction, suggestions, etc, and he felt like a total failure because it wasn't working. This is Tterrag and me in a nutshell. I work so hard to help him be a better person, let alone how hard I try to be his friend, or believe he's my friend. So my dad went around asking adults for advice. This one professor told him that he had grown to feel sorry for people instead of feeling like a failure for not being able to help them. I saw no progress with Tterrag and I felt like a failure because of it. I mean, it's not exactly my mission in life to turn him into a better person.
So I had to let him go. I was working so hard to be his friend and help him and he was doing squat. It wasn't fair. I was giving, and not getting back.
2. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
A few weeks ago, I had Tterrag take several aspects of his life and rank them on what he spent the most time on and what was important to him. I thought he really needed the lesson that he wasn't spending time on the right things. Little did I know that at the same time, I wasn't following my own advice.
I spend about a fifth of my emotional energy on Tterrag. The rest of my emotional stress goes to my addictions. However, I was spending nearly all of my emotional-stress time on Tterrag. This does not make sense. I should be spending very little of my stressed time on him since very little of my stress, relatively, was targeted to him.
So I had to let him go. I spent too much work on something, when my work really should have been going somewhere else.
3. do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Speaking of my addiction-stress, it got started around the time I started rooming with Tterrag. He was not the cause of it, basically ever. However, these past months I have stagnated in failure after failure. I need somebody to look up to. Tterrag is worthy and all that jazz, but he's a jerk. He doesn't do his homework, he sleeps in class, does his own thing at church, stays up all hours of the night, and carouses with girls all day. I can't look up to him. I don't want to be like him, I just want one aspect of him. Frankly, he's not delivering. Sometimes...a lot of the time it's fun. We have some laughs, go to some parties, play some pool...but it is not worth the lack of growth in my life.
So I had to let him go. He wasn't the reason, but his absence can certainly be the cure.
4. Beware of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee.
This morning was ridiculous. I've been compromising with Tterrag this past weekend: trying to be interested in his life, staying up a bit with him, talking--just trying to heal our friendship.
So last night, I went to bed at 3, or 3:3o. It was already ridiculously late. I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of Tterrag reciting ALOUD a paper he had written to his girlfriend on Skype. First of all, she flippin' LIVES in Rexxxburg, so I don't see the need for a webcam...certainly not one for this amount of time, at least. Its not like he doesn't see her everyday anyway. Second of all, I WAS ASLEEP! How dare he read aloud in our room while I was sleeping. He knows I'm a light sleeper. He just wasn't thinking, I thought. I said, "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he doesn't stop, just keeps reading. I figure *he probably think's I'm sleep-talking.* So I say again more forcefully "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he stops this time, mumbles something, and I went back to bed. I fell back asleep by 5. At 6 I wake up to him tip-tapping away at his computer, laughing and slipping in a comment here and there while typing. I figure--that's so stupid. I mean, I know he knows that I don't want to be woken up; I already confronted him about it. I tried to fall back asleep anyway. I tried for 20 minutes or so, but I wasn't anywhere close to sleeping. I stood up and I said, rather forcefully, "Tterrag, get off the computer NOW." No response. No excuse. I walked over there and tried to unplug his computer. He blocked me, so I grabbed his arms and I said into his ear "If you don't have plans to move out by tonight, I'll leave." I stormed out of the room with my pillow and blanket and went next door to get some sleep. I like Matt and Andrew's room, but concrete isn't the most comfortable thing. I struggled to sleep for a good 15-20 minutes and just when I was about to fall asleep, Matt's alarm went off. 7:00=Breakfast. I was starving, but my fatigue overpowered my hunger and I went without breakfast and slept on Matt's bed until 10:45--skipping my Russian class. I'm not sure how many more times I can skip Russian without failing. I like Russian, but my warning was jsut a few minutes before I'd have to leave--it wasn't worth it. I was so tired.
So I had to let him go.
Tterrag was my best friend. I was dependent on him for general survival for quite a while. He helped me so much more than he can ever know. But those days have come and gone and now I'm sick, I need sleep. I'm addicted, I need to grow. I can't be surrounded all the time by someone who doesn't sleep, doesn't do homework, and is spinning down into a place I'm trying to get out of.
He needs to be careful.
So I had to let him go, right?
There are four big reasons why I did it.
1. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
I was talking to my dad the other day about this whole mess. We talked for an hour, but the best advice I got from him about Tterrag was this: When he was my age he was either on his mission or in college and he was having the same problem I was having. He was trying to help people--give them advice, guidance, direction, suggestions, etc, and he felt like a total failure because it wasn't working. This is Tterrag and me in a nutshell. I work so hard to help him be a better person, let alone how hard I try to be his friend, or believe he's my friend. So my dad went around asking adults for advice. This one professor told him that he had grown to feel sorry for people instead of feeling like a failure for not being able to help them. I saw no progress with Tterrag and I felt like a failure because of it. I mean, it's not exactly my mission in life to turn him into a better person.
So I had to let him go. I was working so hard to be his friend and help him and he was doing squat. It wasn't fair. I was giving, and not getting back.
2. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
A few weeks ago, I had Tterrag take several aspects of his life and rank them on what he spent the most time on and what was important to him. I thought he really needed the lesson that he wasn't spending time on the right things. Little did I know that at the same time, I wasn't following my own advice.
I spend about a fifth of my emotional energy on Tterrag. The rest of my emotional stress goes to my addictions. However, I was spending nearly all of my emotional-stress time on Tterrag. This does not make sense. I should be spending very little of my stressed time on him since very little of my stress, relatively, was targeted to him.
So I had to let him go. I spent too much work on something, when my work really should have been going somewhere else.
3. do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Speaking of my addiction-stress, it got started around the time I started rooming with Tterrag. He was not the cause of it, basically ever. However, these past months I have stagnated in failure after failure. I need somebody to look up to. Tterrag is worthy and all that jazz, but he's a jerk. He doesn't do his homework, he sleeps in class, does his own thing at church, stays up all hours of the night, and carouses with girls all day. I can't look up to him. I don't want to be like him, I just want one aspect of him. Frankly, he's not delivering. Sometimes...a lot of the time it's fun. We have some laughs, go to some parties, play some pool...but it is not worth the lack of growth in my life.
So I had to let him go. He wasn't the reason, but his absence can certainly be the cure.
4. Beware of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee.
This morning was ridiculous. I've been compromising with Tterrag this past weekend: trying to be interested in his life, staying up a bit with him, talking--just trying to heal our friendship.
So last night, I went to bed at 3, or 3:3o. It was already ridiculously late. I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of Tterrag reciting ALOUD a paper he had written to his girlfriend on Skype. First of all, she flippin' LIVES in Rexxxburg, so I don't see the need for a webcam...certainly not one for this amount of time, at least. Its not like he doesn't see her everyday anyway. Second of all, I WAS ASLEEP! How dare he read aloud in our room while I was sleeping. He knows I'm a light sleeper. He just wasn't thinking, I thought. I said, "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he doesn't stop, just keeps reading. I figure *he probably think's I'm sleep-talking.* So I say again more forcefully "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he stops this time, mumbles something, and I went back to bed. I fell back asleep by 5. At 6 I wake up to him tip-tapping away at his computer, laughing and slipping in a comment here and there while typing. I figure--that's so stupid. I mean, I know he knows that I don't want to be woken up; I already confronted him about it. I tried to fall back asleep anyway. I tried for 20 minutes or so, but I wasn't anywhere close to sleeping. I stood up and I said, rather forcefully, "Tterrag, get off the computer NOW." No response. No excuse. I walked over there and tried to unplug his computer. He blocked me, so I grabbed his arms and I said into his ear "If you don't have plans to move out by tonight, I'll leave." I stormed out of the room with my pillow and blanket and went next door to get some sleep. I like Matt and Andrew's room, but concrete isn't the most comfortable thing. I struggled to sleep for a good 15-20 minutes and just when I was about to fall asleep, Matt's alarm went off. 7:00=Breakfast. I was starving, but my fatigue overpowered my hunger and I went without breakfast and slept on Matt's bed until 10:45--skipping my Russian class. I'm not sure how many more times I can skip Russian without failing. I like Russian, but my warning was jsut a few minutes before I'd have to leave--it wasn't worth it. I was so tired.
So I had to let him go.
Tterrag was my best friend. I was dependent on him for general survival for quite a while. He helped me so much more than he can ever know. But those days have come and gone and now I'm sick, I need sleep. I'm addicted, I need to grow. I can't be surrounded all the time by someone who doesn't sleep, doesn't do homework, and is spinning down into a place I'm trying to get out of.
He needs to be careful.
So I had to let him go, right?
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