My Life As a Sponge: A Literacy Autobiography

When I was a kid, both of my parents were high school teachers. I love them, and I thought that it was so cool that they were teachers. Over the years, they both got graduate degrees and changed careers. However, my parents affected my identity most as schoolteachers.

There has always been an academic feel about our home. My parents always, always read us books when we went to bed, just for fun, on long drives, when we were infants, when we were teenagers, and even now. Now we have a family Charles Dickens book club. Books were important to my family and they are important to me.

When I was 3 years old, my mom taught my older sister how to read while I was climbing the curtains behind the couch. I learned how to read and my sister did not. I figured out pretty quickly how useful reading could be. I started reading store signs and TV ads. I got so much more information just with those two things and I didn’t want to stop reading. I remember, when I was in pre-school, my teacher tested if I could read or not, which she had to do before I went to Kindergarten. She held up a note card with several different words on them. I didn’t want to go to Kindergarten because my sisters told me how awful it was (they were lying). In my 3-year-old head, if my teacher thought I couldn’t read, then I wouldn’t have to go to Kindergarten. So as she pointed to the word “bear,” I said “wolf.” Then when she pointed to “wolf,” I said “fox.” When she pointed to “fox,” I said “beer,” and so forth. I could read, but I was not very clever, and so went to Kindergarten.

From an early age, I started reading. I would read children’s encyclopedias long after my bedtime. My parents got them as a wedding present, and I loved them. There was one that was all about the Animal kingdom. In the back they had an index of all the animals they talked about, complete with illustrations and dimensions. I would take out the measuring tape to our living room just so I could see exactly how big these animals were. I read National Geographic magazines. We had a large collection of them. Up until the 80s, National Geographic was almost more like a travel magazine. I would read about all the exciting places around the world that they wrote about, and if I was too tired to read, I could just look at the pictures.

When I was in first grade, we moved to a different town. My new teacher literally thought I was mentally retarded because I was hyper, had a speech impediment and lied about everything. I even convinced her that I was from Japan for about two minutes. I wanted to read The Boxcart Mysteries. I’d already read a few and she had every single one! However, since I was “retarded” she had me reading Dick and Jane with the slow readers. This was especially frustrating because reading is what I really excelled at as a child. The other kids passed by me in math, arts and crafts, socializing, etc. Reading, though, was my own world. While other kids were still reading picture books, I was getting completely lost in novels. I was in a whole other world. Try getting lost in Dick and Jane. Mrs. Cardwell—for some reason I never liked her.

I don't think my parents liked her either. Most of the parents that teachers deal with aren't familiar with the way teachers work. Most of my teachers treated my parents this way. They also treated my parents like it was because of their bad parenting that I was such a "wild child," but I don't think anything is further from the truth. My parents raised us right. It's not their fault that I'm different from the other kids. My parents, in spite of their busy schedule made sure to spend lots of time with me. We shared a lot of good experiences.

My dad and I have a lot of things in common. One of these things is a desire for knowledge. Even when I was 3 and 4 years old, I wanted to learn as much as I could. In all reality, that is exactly who I am. I am a sponge. Just like a sponge soaks up water, I soak up as much information as I can, and I don’t let it go. Other people seem to learn things and then forget them later. I’ve never done that; I’ve never squeezed out the sponge. In second grade, we learned the countries of Africa as a class. Last year, I took an online quiz and I still knew all of them, except for Sierra Leone—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like information is my friend. When I forget information, it's like betraying that friend. Poor Sierra Leone.

Information, of course, is in books. Therefore, reading was the gateway for me to learn as much as possible, or to put it another way: the gateway to become who I am today. We had plenty of books at home: books about ducks, books about bats, books about Sweden, books about wars, books about Jesus Christ, books about science. Books were always my favorite gifts to get at Christmas (except maybe a certain train set).

Once I got into high school, the advantages and disadvantages of my sponge became apparent. The most valuable thing I had was the ability to learn. My peers, for the most part, seemed to struggle to learn the material and remembering it was even harder. I was different, and I was treated that way. A lot of my classmates ever since I started school resented the way I learned so easily and seemed to already know things. The teasing, name-calling and pranks were hard to bear. I felt really bitter about it for a long time, which made it even harder to fit in. But again, it has made me who I am. I was never in the “popular” crowd, but once I got to high school, I always had plenty of friends, which is probably because I’m funny.

Now that I’m an adult, I have no problem at all making friends. People like that I know a lot of things because it means I can relate to them. I can ask meaningful questions about people’s occupations, where they come from, what their degree involves, etc. because I already know about those things. It makes people feel like I know them when I know a lot about what they are involved in.

It's ironic, isn't it? The secret world of reading and information used to mark me as different and pushed me away from others. Now, though, that wealth of information is what connects me to others. I can be on the same plane as others. It's not just the facts anymore. The information in my head is a network that connects me to other people. I've reached the point where I've connected to enough characters in books, scientists in magazines, and politicians

Tax Return Drama

That's right. It's that magical time of year that the government gives you back some of the money that it took away last year. It's a beautiful time of year. What are you going to get with your return?

Let me tell all of you how my return is working out.

This year, I have the option to claim myself, or have my parents claim me. If I claim myself, I get $900 back on my return, and my parents get $340 back. If my parents claim me, I have to pay $400 and my parents get $3900 back. The agreement I had with my mother was that "If we end up making more from claiming you, we'll pay you the difference." When we ran these numbers today, my mother informed me that she meant the difference to my return. I thought she meant the difference to her return. Basically, because I'm not claiming myself, my parents are getting $3560 more and they are giving me $1300 of that, leaving them with $2260 more than they had before.

My problem with all of this is that my parents DON'T NEED MONEY. My mother clears 6 figures easily. My dad makes about 15% of that. Yes, they have lots of debts, they have helped me a lot in the last year. However, I NEED that help. Furthermore, I'm doing my BEST to live on my own. I'm not making enough money at my current job to fully support myself, so I found another job that starts in May. From the time that job starts until the end of time, I will be able to support myself without periodic help from my parents. I am barely scraping by. My income is barely enough to pay all my bills, not including food, which my parents pay most of--$200 a month.

What I want to propose to my parents is $1950 for each of us. With that money, I could pay my taxes, get a lap-top, and pay off two credit cards. That'll open up $50 a month for me and help me make more money. With a computer, I could do work for Cha Cha while I'm in Yellowstone. My parents can do the same thing for themselves without a tax return.

Even if we do this, my parents will get more than 5 times what they would get without me. I don't think that's unreasonable. What do you think?

Buddho-Christianity

Buddho-Christianity

My eyes have been opened. Now…don’t go crazy, but I think I may have recently been converted to Buddhism.

Here, let me explain.

We are all taught that all churches and religions have some truth in them. Most religions , in fact, have quite a lot of truth. However, what I’ve found in my few years of study, curiosity, and conversations with people of other religions is that the truths they share are truths that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints actively teaches. It’s like there are parts that have truth and are taught by our church, and the rest is false and is in contradiction or ambiguity with our church’s teachings. For example, there is no way to completely live the teachings of the Catholic church AND the Mormon church at the same time. I believe that Buddhism and Mormonism are completely compatible: that one can live completely by both at the same time. If I try to combine Buddhism and Mormonism: the only differences are regional traditions that have little to do with the religions. In general, for example, most Buddhists believe in reincarnation, and several Gods. However, these beliefs vary from place to place. Buddhists in Indonesia worship different idols than Buddhists in Nepal. Do Buddhists have to worship idols? Is that one of the tenets of their religion? No, it is not. Even the Buddha, himself, is just a man who achieved enlightenment, Nirvana. He taught others how they might try to achieve Nirvana themselves, which is simply a higher understanding and enlightenment concerning the connections between all living things. The belief in reincarnation is really the biggest lump in Buddho-Christian compatibility. This, however, is not an official Buddhist belief. The important thing to know and remember is that we are all connected. All things which are on earth were created in Heaven. This is a Christian concept that teaches the same lesson.

I challenge you to go through and look at Buddhist beliefs and tell me if you catch anything that is in direct conflict with the teachings of the church.

The thing is, the two religions cover completely different aspects of life. I thought that Buddhism was very much like ancient mythology like the Egyptians and the Greeks who basically invented several gods and goddesses to explain what was going on in the world around them. Some people expand that into Christian Monotheism, but we who practice know it is much more than just a way to explain things I don’t understand. However, the things Buddhism helps us understand have little to do with the natural world, and more to do with suffering and inner turmoil. Buddhism is about the quest to find peace through understanding the connections among all living things. It has nothing to do with worshipping deity, sins, or ordinances. It has to do with wisdom. Christianity is all about deity, and sins. Christianity deals with the cycles of faith (worshipping deity), repentance (after sinning), baptism by immersion, and the laying on of hands for the Gift of the Holy Ghost (ordinances). What Christianity does not deal with is suffering. This has always been a vague concept with Christianity. The general idea is that this life is a test, more or less, and we need to choose right from wrong. God tests us, and Satan tempts us with challenges, trials, and suffering.

Take, for example, the movie, The Invention of Lying. The main character “invents” the basic ideals of Christianity with his new ability to lie. A cynic, atheist, or general audience member might think that this is trying to say that all religion is hooey invented to make us feel better about life. I think, however, that the message is about truth; truth always comes out, and it is beautiful. A world where only things that are provable exist is a terrible (and comedic) place to live.

At any rate, suffering may indeed be a refiner’s fire that God puts us through to make us better people, and so we can experience all that a mortal life has to offer. However, it is extremely difficult to simply have the force of will to give our lives to Christ, to place our burdens upon him.

I think that one way he helps us in this process is with Buddhism. That’s right, Buddhism. It’s all about getting over our selfish desires for comfort, happiness, or whatever else, and giving them up to a higher power—which in our case is Christ. Once we have learned to let go of these bad desires, we achieve Nirvana, a kind of peace and enlightenment. This peace and enlightenment is, I assure you, the same peace and enlightenment we get from Christ’s love.

I have no idea if I articulated this well at all, but there it is. Buddhism and Christianity don’t clash like most religion match-ups would, but they complement each other.

Let me know your thoughts about this! PLEASE do research before you comment or judge.

What Men Want

What Men Want
Men, it is generally agreed, are simpler creatures than women. This generally comes from men’s desire to understand things, as opposed to women who are more comfortable than men about not fully understanding the opposite sex. However—I believe that Satan is taking everything that men want and perverting it in two levels. One, is society’s representation of that instinctual desire, and two is a simulation of that desire that is almost always damaging and uses electronic devices to provide that.

The examples I am about to go are in random order, except that they are probably more or less in the order that they were presented to me in, by my friend, Russ, in a lesson.

The first attraction is to power and performance. One might say that this attraction is what drives men to accomplish great things. We are always trying to push the limits on what is possible. This attraction has been with us forever—and for good reason. In order to survive in the wilderness, we need to have the most powerful weapons, and perform with them with precision and accuracy using our own strength, power, and performance. One modern societal manifestation of this attraction is cars. Almost all guys like cars. We like fast cars, powerful cars, cars that turn on a dime, etc. We are all attracted to the power and performance. One way that this attraction is simulated—and probably in the most healthy way of all the simulations—is with computers. It is comparing hardware or software: RAM, fast applications, special commands, control, etc. This is barely a simulation as another societal manifestation of the attraction. In fact, it would be quite a healthy outlet into this desire, as long as it does not turn into an obsession, as it so often does.

The second attraction is to male companionship. In stone-age times, this was quite necessary. It is, of course, much more difficult to hunt on your own than it is with a group of men. It might be easy enough to imagine stalking and killing a deer on your own, but bringing it to camp? All the time alone is also not good. A hunting trip could potentially take weeks. That is why we have “pals.” It’s not just enough to tolerate having other men with you; we have to instinctually like it. In modern society, however, homophobia runs rampant. Most straight men in Western society have inhibitions when it comes to revealing feelings to other men, or showing a need for companionship. Thus comes one of the most common societal manifestations of this desire: “booze.” Alcohol’s first job is to take away our sense of judgment, and therefore breaking down the walls that we’ve put up against our fellow men so that we can share our feelings—and embarrass ourselves. Only a fool or an alcoholic will tell you that alcohol is completely harmless. Many lives, families, homes, reputations and barstools have been destroyed by the influence of alcohol. It is already not the healthiest manifestation of the desire for companionship, but the simulation is steadily growing in damage: video games. When I was in high school—which wasn’t too long ago—there was a huge group of friends I had with whom video gaming was the only source of “real” socialization. The only time I have interacted with many of these friends was by playing video games with them. Sure, I might know that they prefer the energy sword over a gun, or have a favorite level on Zelda, but I did not get to really know these people, and in reality, neither did they.

The third attraction is to war. This has a very real stone-age manifestation. Ten thousand years ago, there were all sorts of wild animals and savage neighboring clans to deal with, and protection was a very real necessity. We created spears, bows, arrows, catapults, tomahawks, rockets, cannons, and today’s chief societal manifestation: guns. Other common societal manifestations include martial arts, boxing, all sports, and the spirit of competition. Most of these manifestations, if not all, are pretty healthy. However, the simulations are usually not so healthy. Violence in electronic media is desensitizing our society to the realities of death. If you mention the phrase “raping and pillaging” to a group of middle school boys, they will laugh. If you mention that phrase to a group of Dark Age Scotsmen, I doubt they would have the same response.

The final attraction is the most serious for a few reasons. For one, God gave us this attraction for the most sacred reason. For two, it is perverted more than any of the others by Satan. This, of course, is sexual desire. These feelings are extremely powerful. God gave them to us for a beautiful purpose. The societal manifestation of this has always been sex with women. Common societal perversions include pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, sodomy, and the big catalyst for all of these perversions and more: pornography. Pornography is, of course, most accessible on the computer. It is the biggest web industry. Most sex offenders will tell you that they began with an addiction to pornography. This is the grossest of Satan’s attempts to pervert men’s natural attractions. It is a disease that runs rampant in our society today. It is the most serious temptation we are given in these latter-days.
Thus we see that all of these instinctual attractions can be twisted and perverted electronically into some fake simulation that too many of us men are substituting for the real deal. I want to see my friends in real life, not in a video game. I want to protect my family, not pretend I’m in a war on my computer. I want a fast car…AND a fast computer. I want to have sex with my wife, not watch some strangers re-create the experience for me.

With that, I’m out.

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget.
I forget who I am and I fall into ennui and darkness.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget that I have no power.
All the power is with God.
Everything that I do.
Everything that I see, hear, touch, taste--even think is a blessing from God.
He created my tongue, my hand, my eyes, my ears!
Why?
Because he wants me to remember him.
In this effort, I fail.
His brilliance, His glory is too magnificent for men.
We cannot look upon Him in our normal bodies.
What is the glory of God?
His work is all of us: to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!
His fire, His majesty, all is for mankind.
I need to remember Him--in everything.
I forget Him--almost every day.
Does He forget me?
I tell you now and forever, the answer is no!
In spite of my sins, in spite of my pride, even though I dance with the devil, giving him all control over me, the God who created me remembers me.
More importantly, He loves me without condition.
I love Him too, but I am not perfect.
I am lost.
The devil found me and he is cruel.
It is easy to escape:
If you open your heart to God,
His fire burns bright for us and He will guide us back to Him.
He is magnificent.
He is light, and truth.
Amen.

Sadness. Loneliness

Sometimes I feel so dead inside, I can't feel any emotion at all. Sometimes I feel like that's a blessing. If I felt anything right now, it would be too much for me to handle. I just want to cry and keep crying. I feel like there is so much going on in my head, I can't think about it all the time. I feel so alone. Alone, not physically, but like...spiritually. And not with God, either. I can't explain. I feel lonely...romantically. There we go. I want nothing more than for someone who loves me to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. When I go to bed, I want her to be with me. When I come home, I want her to be there. When I get a paycheck, I want to buy groceries for us and not just for me. What's worse is that I know she's out there. It's so frustrating. I've gone through so much, and I want to talk to somebody I know is always going to be there, in a romantic way.

I feel like I had this person at one time. But she has changed so much. I left her at a vulnerable time and now she became somebody else--somebody that I'm not in love with. The person that I still love is just...gone forever. Maybe someone else will come along that I feel the same way about.

Maybe I'm just selfish. I want what I can't have, or won't have for a pretty long time.

Every time I talk to girl, I feel so...unworthy? I feel like there is no way any girl could seriously think about me as a romantic possibility. I'm so used to being "the friend" or even "the gay friend" to girls. I've been a boyfriend many times, but not for a long time, and only a couple times where it was serious. I really miss that.

I think what brought this on is a step I'm only just now discovering I'm at.

I'm ready to be touched again.

Ever since I acted out over a year ago, I haven't really allowed people to touch me. Well. a little. Here and there. Close friends. But I don't like long hugs like I used to. I don't do the arm-in-arm thing anymore. I mean, I used to be super touchy-feely with my friends, and with my...lovers? But since then, well for one, I haven't had any girlfriends since then. For two, I haven't had any guy friends since then until recently. But now, I think I'm over it and ready to let people back on...in...around. And now that I'm ready for it, I'm almost demanding it. I'm needing it. But there is nobody there to approach.

Ya know, I'm not even completely sure if this is why I feel so sad. Maybe I just wish for something more without knowing what that more is. I just need to get it out, or I will explode.

Relationships: People You Know

This is part of a series I am trying to do in order to establish a social protocol. There has already been an earlier entry a couple of posts ago. Feel free to comment and discuss any disagreements or suggestions.

Relationships: People You Know

Teacher at School:

This person is a professional. They know more than you do. They challenge your mind and test your knowledge and, overall, have your best interests at heart. They more than likely are doing what they are doing because they strongly believe in helping you reach your potential. Because of this, respect them. They work more than you know with more care and concern than you are aware, so PLEASE follow these simple guidelines so they don’t go insane. Do what they tell you. TRY on your homework, which you should do. NEVER demean them, talk down to them, or argue with them about something unrelated to your education. They more than likely have different opinions than you, but you should still respect what they have to say in regard to what they’re teaching. You are around this person quite a bit and may possibly become friends. However, it is inappropriate in 99.998% of situations to romantically engage a schoolteacher at any level. As friends, remember that teachers are very busy and often have hundreds of students and may not return your friendship on the same level. In this relationship, the teacher affects each one of the students equally. If the unit of effect is 1 for each student, it is also 1 for the teacher. The entire class affects the teacher as much as the teacher affects each individual. Platonic love may be present in this relationship.

Religion Teacher:

You are more than likely closer with your Sunday School teacher than your secular school teacher. The subject matter is much more personal and real. Therefore, you may become very close with your religion teacher. Also, your religion teacher is more likely to be closer to your age. In church the teaching is done by all, and the teacher is more of a leader. Thusly everyone benefits 1 from each other. The teacher is merely a guide for the discussion. Discussion should be filled with love and wisdom and should not consist of backbiting, gossip, or harmful remarks. Respect everyone in the class and what they have to say. Do not interrupt. Never discuss politics in church. Come to class prepared, having read the material to be discussed in class.

The Unfriendly Co-worker:

We spend lots of time at work, and often with the same people. Over time, you can develop a special relationship with your co-workers. If nothing blocks that relationship, you will more than likely become good friends with your co-workers. Every so often, however, co-workers might not like each other. This creates a very awkward situation. Assuming you are not this type of co-worker (you should always try to be friendly with co-workers) certain behavior is unacceptable. You should never encourage someone at work to be unfriendly. This includes, but is not limited to, spreading gossip, being unfriendly yourself, mocking, discriminating, persecuting, categorizing co-workers as enemies in some work-related competition—organized, or otherwise—and leaving co-workers out. Once a co-worker has become unfriendly to you, do not reciprocate. Maintain friendliness despite everything. You should be working on regaining friendly relations with this person. How you do that is up to you. Remember that attitude is everything! “Killing them with kindness” is an unacceptable attitude. You are being nice, only so they feel uncomfortable with their feelings. You can still be nice, but be sincere.

The Boss:

It is in your best interest to become friends with this particular co-worker. Your continued employment with this company, as well as your raises, position, and comfort count on positive relations with this person. These relations are based on your performance, as well as friendliness. You need to do what your boss tells you to within reason. It is unacceptable for a boss to ask of you something against company policy, the law, or ethics. This type of behavior must be reported to a higher authority. If your boss is treating you a certain way, they are more than likely treating other employees the same way. It is your responsibility to keep your boss in line as far as unacceptable behavior is concerned. The boss most likely doesn’t show their faults to their superiors. Reporting improper behavior is the employees responsibility. Hopefully this never happens. With minor incidents, the employee should talk to the boss directly. Only major issues should be discussed with upper management. You can still be friends with your boss, but remember: a boss is a boss first, and a friend second. Their evaluation of your performance should not be based on your friendship, but on your performance. Any negative comments should not be personal, but professional. They are a person, too.

Non-Friend Fellow Church-goers:

Always maintain friendly connections with all fellow church-goers no matter what. New members need friends and positive reinforcement. For many people, religion is a complicated subject and you should never do anything that might create a negative experience for someone at church. Also, someone’s relationship with God is their own business, and not yours. Do not pry into their past, or their struggles. Do not create a clique in your church circles. Always try to invite new people. Remember, we are all striving toward the same goal, otherwise we wouldn’t be there.

Your Friend/Brother/Sister/Roommate’s Girlfriend/Boyfriend:

PLAY NICE! Who somebody likes, or is attracted to, can be personal. Several complicated situations could arise. If you like the person they are dating, back off. They’re dating them now. You should not be trying to break them apart so you can have a chance. You should not consider it a betrayal, especially if they didn’t know you liked them before. You are most likely closer to the friend/brother/sister/roommate than you are to the girlfriend/boyfriend. Remain cordial relations with the gf/bf. You should also understand that some people are off limits. If a friend/brother/sister/roommate dates someone you have already dated without your blessing, your friendship should be called into question. This is definitely an off-limits relationship. You need to let your friend know. Never confront your friend about a “poor choice” significant other. Let them see it through. You do need to confront if the relationship becomes damaging to either one. In the meantime, play nice, and go forward.

The Annoying Boy/Girl From Class That Thinks You Two Are Friends, But You’re Really Not:

This is awkward. Let them know that you’re not really friends. It is tough, and seems rude, but if you just don’t want to be friends let them know. Try not to let a relationship develop if you are not sincere. This can cause a broken heart when they find out you’re not really friends. If your other friends are sincerely friends with this person, then try to become friends with them. Do not ignore them, put them down, be rude to them, shame them, mock them, or talk about them behind their back. Such behavior is immature and unacceptable.