ZUT!! Ma famille n'est pas parfaite!

ZUT! Ma Famille n’est pas parfaite!

Well…I need to talk.

I’m gay. I like boys. I really want to kiss boys. I want to cuddle with boys. Sometimes at night I just…I really want to have a man right there with me. I feel like there’s an empty place in my bed that should be filled…preferably with a man. The only thing that helps me sleep on these nights is remembering that Jesus loves me and that he can help me through things. Cuddling with a pillow doesn’t work…’cause I only have one pillow. Sad day.
Sometimes I feel so lonely. I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I feel like my friends don’t like me, or that I hang out with them, not vice versa. For example, I go into my friends rooms to say hi. They go into each other’s rooms all the time. Only one of my friends ever comes in my room when I’m in here by myself and that is still a rare occasion. I’m rooming with one of my friends next semester. I don’t even know how that’s going to go. I think he’s tired of me, or that he doesn’t like me anymore. He himself has seemed a little out of sorts lately, but I don’t feel like he’d appreciate me coming in.
I especially feel lonely when it comes to my family. A month ago I came out to my two oldest sisters who live in Utah while I was down there for a fireside. Everything went fine, but those two sisters don’t really get along or see eye to eye. A week or two later, I came out to the rest of my siblings (one more sister and two brothers-in-law). I had to do it over the phone because I couldn’t get down to Utah in time without missing a major test. I felt horrible in the first place for doing it over the phone. After I told them the big news, they got me off the phone real quick and had a conversation that I don’t think went very well.
I got a call later that night from my inactive sister. After I told her the first time, she just wanted to make sure that I was happy staying in the church and that she’d still love me if I wanted to pursue another lifestyle. I was touched, and shocked. Nobody had ever reacted like that. I pretty much bore my testimony to her of how happiness comes from following the gospel. Anyway. She called me again that night and she was really upset. She said that my even older sister that she doesn’t get along with said something like “well at least I didn’t try to convince him to leave the church!” I was shocked that she’d say that. I mean, I told her about the conversation with Alana, but I thought I made it pretty clear that she wasn’t trying to get me to leave the church.
I was pretty upset. I couldn’t believe that my oldest sister would say that. I decided that I was going to confront her about it. So the next day my oldest sister called. We had an okay conversation and then she started saying some negative things about my inactive sister and I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you’d say that to her. That is not what I said, that is not what she said.” I explained. Then I said “You should back off of [inactive sister.] The best thing we can do is just be a good example.” My oldest sister completely freaked out. She said that she didn’t appreciate me telling her what to do with [inactive sister] and that I was being judgmental and that it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do. I was crushed. I’ve always been really close with my oldest sister. We pretty much never fought.
That was the last time I heard from any of my sisters apart from a little brief texting and one accident where I talked to my NH sister when I called my house. I wanted to talk to my parents who I talk to all the time. I just wished that any of them would call me and tell me what the heck is going on! I have no idea how my NH sister reacted, or worse, her husband. I just wished that I knew that they still loved me. It was completely inappropriate that they used me as a facilitator for their fighting. It made me feel horrible that I talked to them and then they fought about it. I hate that they fight. I hate how they don’t just get along. My oldest sister feels responsible to guilt my inactive sister into being more active, and my inactive sister takes it as an attack on her, which it pretty much is. I hate it so much.
So I feel really lonely. I don’t feel loved by anybody…except Cat and my delta friends. I feel like a bad person. I feel like maybe people shouldn’t like me. I guess that will take further explanation. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that online, though. I just wish everybody knew all the things that I had done and loved me anyway. I just told one of my friends about a dark secret of mine and before I could even fully explain he said “you are a dead man.” I don’t think he took it well. Those of you who were at the Rexburg-IF group time before last know what I’m talking about.
UGH. I was so not ready for someone to think I’m a bad person for serious. I don’t know what I’m ready for. Love? I don’t even know if I’d allow new people to love me. I don’t know how serious I can take someone saying they like me, or that they’re my best friend. They always lie.

:(