She Came in Through the Bathroom Window

--temptation, that is.

As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.

As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.

I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.

I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.

That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.

I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.

Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.

Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.