To Thine Own Self Be True

I can't believe I put up with him for so long.

There are four big reasons why I did it.

1. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;

I was talking to my dad the other day about this whole mess. We talked for an hour, but the best advice I got from him about Tterrag was this: When he was my age he was either on his mission or in college and he was having the same problem I was having. He was trying to help people--give them advice, guidance, direction, suggestions, etc, and he felt like a total failure because it wasn't working. This is Tterrag and me in a nutshell. I work so hard to help him be a better person, let alone how hard I try to be his friend, or believe he's my friend. So my dad went around asking adults for advice. This one professor told him that he had grown to feel sorry for people instead of feeling like a failure for not being able to help them. I saw no progress with Tterrag and I felt like a failure because of it. I mean, it's not exactly my mission in life to turn him into a better person.

So I had to let him go. I was working so hard to be his friend and help him and he was doing squat. It wasn't fair. I was giving, and not getting back.

2. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

A few weeks ago, I had Tterrag take several aspects of his life and rank them on what he spent the most time on and what was important to him. I thought he really needed the lesson that he wasn't spending time on the right things. Little did I know that at the same time, I wasn't following my own advice.

I spend about a fifth of my emotional energy on Tterrag. The rest of my emotional stress goes to my addictions. However, I was spending nearly all of my emotional-stress time on Tterrag. This does not make sense. I should be spending very little of my stressed time on him since very little of my stress, relatively, was targeted to him.

So I had to let him go. I spent too much work on something, when my work really should have been going somewhere else.

3. do not dull thy palm with entertainment

Speaking of my addiction-stress, it got started around the time I started rooming with Tterrag. He was not the cause of it, basically ever. However, these past months I have stagnated in failure after failure. I need somebody to look up to. Tterrag is worthy and all that jazz, but he's a jerk. He doesn't do his homework, he sleeps in class, does his own thing at church, stays up all hours of the night, and carouses with girls all day. I can't look up to him. I don't want to be like him, I just want one aspect of him. Frankly, he's not delivering. Sometimes...a lot of the time it's fun. We have some laughs, go to some parties, play some pool...but it is not worth the lack of growth in my life.

So I had to let him go. He wasn't the reason, but his absence can certainly be the cure.

4. Beware of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee.

This morning was ridiculous. I've been compromising with Tterrag this past weekend: trying to be interested in his life, staying up a bit with him, talking--just trying to heal our friendship.

So last night, I went to bed at 3, or 3:3o. It was already ridiculously late. I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of Tterrag reciting ALOUD a paper he had written to his girlfriend on Skype. First of all, she flippin' LIVES in Rexxxburg, so I don't see the need for a webcam...certainly not one for this amount of time, at least. Its not like he doesn't see her everyday anyway. Second of all, I WAS ASLEEP! How dare he read aloud in our room while I was sleeping. He knows I'm a light sleeper. He just wasn't thinking, I thought. I said, "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he doesn't stop, just keeps reading. I figure *he probably think's I'm sleep-talking.* So I say again more forcefully "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he stops this time, mumbles something, and I went back to bed. I fell back asleep by 5. At 6 I wake up to him tip-tapping away at his computer, laughing and slipping in a comment here and there while typing. I figure--that's so stupid. I mean, I know he knows that I don't want to be woken up; I already confronted him about it. I tried to fall back asleep anyway. I tried for 20 minutes or so, but I wasn't anywhere close to sleeping. I stood up and I said, rather forcefully, "Tterrag, get off the computer NOW." No response. No excuse. I walked over there and tried to unplug his computer. He blocked me, so I grabbed his arms and I said into his ear "If you don't have plans to move out by tonight, I'll leave." I stormed out of the room with my pillow and blanket and went next door to get some sleep. I like Matt and Andrew's room, but concrete isn't the most comfortable thing. I struggled to sleep for a good 15-20 minutes and just when I was about to fall asleep, Matt's alarm went off. 7:00=Breakfast. I was starving, but my fatigue overpowered my hunger and I went without breakfast and slept on Matt's bed until 10:45--skipping my Russian class. I'm not sure how many more times I can skip Russian without failing. I like Russian, but my warning was jsut a few minutes before I'd have to leave--it wasn't worth it. I was so tired.

So I had to let him go.



Tterrag was my best friend. I was dependent on him for general survival for quite a while. He helped me so much more than he can ever know. But those days have come and gone and now I'm sick, I need sleep. I'm addicted, I need to grow. I can't be surrounded all the time by someone who doesn't sleep, doesn't do homework, and is spinning down into a place I'm trying to get out of.

He needs to be careful.








So I had to let him go, right?