I miss him so much. He knew so much. If anything, my desire to learn and my avid curiosity about the world around me came from him more than from my own Dad. He and my dad didn’t have the best relationship. They loved each other, but things were rough after all that he’d done. I didn’t know him when he was a drunk. He is an inspiration to me because he got over his addiction and became a really cool guy. He became someone that I could always look up to. He did more things to ruin his life with booze than I ever did. He ruined his home, broke ties with his family, abused his wife and kids, which all ended in a divorce, ten years of recovery, and his last consequence was his death. I…just lost spirituality and I can’t go on a mission when I want to. He got over it, though.
When he died he was my hero.
I’ll never forget when I was four and went around with him in his car. He knew everything. When I drove around with my dad, he skirted around questions, and gave me vague answers. My granddad knew exactly how to explain things so I would understand. I think that’s actually the first time I ever saw him. I wouldn’t know—I don’t remember much before that. He told me all about the cows, deer, and agriculture. He would tell me stories like you wouldn’t believe.
One time, he was out shooting in Nevada—in a place that he wasn’t supposed to be. He set up camp underneath this trailer. The trailer, apparently, was the target for a combat exercise for the military. He wakes up to gunfire all around him. He knew he was in trouble by then. He figured the smartest thing to do was to stay under the trailer. After the gunfire was over he left, but his car had been dashed to pieces by the “attack.” He had to be taken out of there by a helicopter and he got home somehow. Several months later he got a neat bill from the military for over six thousand dollars documenting every expense: removing his car, trespassing fines, and the helicopter ride.
I’m not sure if I believe that one completely.
One time, when he was managing a grocery store, he was robbed and he chased the thieves out into the parking lot. He was holding onto their car trying to coerce them, but they ran up next to a brick wall and knocked him off on the corner…I think that story involves a shotgun, but I don’t remember who had it and why nobody got shot.
I don’t know why I’m telling these stories. I guess they’re what I like to remember him by. I love stories. My dad can attest to that. After probably a hundred fishing trips, I let it slip that I don’t really like fishing and only went to collect rocks and listen to stories. I still like fishing—mostly for the nostalgia. I feel like I have to come up with a story for everything. If I know a story that has anything to do with what’s being said I HAVE to tell it. I know its annoying, but that’s who I am.
I guess I should tell one of my stories.
One time, when I was in Utah, I had a misunderstanding with my dad. My dad and I don’t speak the same English. I wanted to see my friend Matt in Utah really bad. My dad dropped me off there at night and said he’d see me tomorrow. I was kinda disappointed because we were leaving the next day and we never got to see grandpa. I spent most of the next day with Matt and when we got back to his house around 4:00, I found out that my dad had been trying to get a hold of me all day. He wanted me to leave Matt’s house in the morning so we could visit my great aunt Cathy (who’s really cool) and my granddad. I had no idea we had plans for that day. We didn’t have very long to get all the way up to Layton and back down to the airport, but we did it anyway through a compromise with Alana.
We made our way up to Layton, where my granddad lived. I hadn’t seen him in a couple years. I knew his health was failing, but he seemed like I always remembered him the last time I saw him two years previously. The whole way up was silent because I was angry that I misunderstood my dad and I was tense because we were barely going to make it in time.
When we walked inside my soul dropped. My granddad was lying there so emaciated from his diseases that he must have lost a third of his weight since I’d seen him. The skin was clinging to his bones and he needed help with everything. I wanted to burst into tears, but I was determined to look happy for him. We exchanged a few stories, caught each other up on life. He would say obscene things about the invading Mexicans, and my dad and I would try not to judge him. Just like old times. Except that this was one of the last times.
We left because we had to, not because we wanted to. We had to catch a red eye flight home and my dad had work the next morning. As soon as I stepped into the rental car I fell into uncontrollable sobbing. I knew that I would be lucky to ever see him again. I had no idea how bad his condition was. I felt so foolish for thinking that we wouldn’t visit him. I felt terrible for making our stay so brief. I had held in my torment for half an hour and now I couldn’t hold it any longer. For at least a full minute I could barely breathe between my tears and gasping breaths. How could this happen? I fully realized then that my granddad was going to die. I started the pre-grieving process. Many of you probably know what it’s like to know that a loved one could die any moment. He lived for a year and a half after that moment, but I will never forget it. I was able to see him at least another time.
At the beginning of March 2007 I was informed that my granddad was in failing health. He had been relocated to a hospital where he could receive constant treatment. His organs were failing. I was told that it would be any day now. The pain was tremendous. I tried not to think about it too much. I tried to go through the final few weeks of the school show, Grease. I tried not to focus on my phone during rehearsal, waiting for the dreaded call.
I was in rehearsal. My mom called me and said that I needed to go straight home after rehearsal. She wanted me to stay, but to come home as soon as I could. The rest of the rehearsal was so surreal. I felt like I was floating through the motions. I ran to my car and got home to find everyone crowded around the kitchen. My dad delivered the bad news: his father had died.
We left the next morning to go to Utah. I went to school early and informed all of my teachers. Some showed great sympathy, the rest…were men. I particularly remember Mrs. Squier—now Mrs… somebody else. I can’t believe I can’t remember. Anyway, she related to me how several of her relatives had died that year and she sincerely wished me luck with everything. It really helped. I travelled with Lauren. We tried to keep our cool and act like normal. It worked. We were okay—until we were landing in Utah. I saw the familiar places on our way down and I just…had to cry. I don’t remember who picked us up, but we all went down to Fillmore within the next day. We stayed with our good friends, the Jenkins. For a few days we saw more and more cousins…well, not really—just my family, Kaden, and Kyra. Jason’s kids couldn’t go. It was nice to see them. The day of the funeral was really cool. There were so many people, including my granddad’s girlfriend, Cheryl, who I hadn’t seen in ages. I saw my great uncle Raymon for the first time since I could remember. He’s really cool, too. I was back in Fillmore. Many people I knew and loved ones all in one place for one purpose.
The actual service was terrifying. First, the closest of family came to a viewing before the actual ceremony. There we said our last goodbyes to him. All the children spoke at the actual service. My favorite was Jeanna’s talk because it seemed so well prepared and calming. She had a different kind of experience with her father. She was very young when her parents got divorced. She didn’t know her father much at all when she was a kid. She was, however, the closest to him towards the end because she was the only one who lived in Utah still. That’s how I remember him—after alcohol, before disease.
The scariest part was the singing. I sang “Abide with Me” with my dad’s best friend, Doug, at the actual funeral. I have never felt the Spirit more during any other song, ever. I was able to make it the whole song before I cried significantly at the actual ceremony. After that, I was a wreck. My cousin, Kaden, and I were both pall-bearers along with the sons, the brother, and someone else, I don’t remember. After we placed him in the hearse I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to do. That’s when my aunt Kathy (a different one than before) gave me a big hug. I still remember that as the best hug in my life. I really needed it, I really hugged back, and it really made me feel better. She gives great hugs, if any of you know her.
The next few days I spent with my cousins and friends. We had a great time. 4-wheeling and rabbit-hunting…make that failed rabbit-hunting. You can just ask my dad how well the safety works on Doug’s gun. I love my family. I love Fillmore. I went home the next day…to show week. It was so hard adjusting from Utah to stress for theatre. I wasn’t the same.
The next summer, or maybe it was April a year later, we were driving around in Utah. We were going to head up some canyon outside of Fillmore. We passed right by the cemetery and right back without stopping. I really wanted to visit my granddad. I don’t think I was completely ready for it, anyway. He’s still there next to our family. I will visit him sometime—hopefully in April.
I do miss him.
One of the last things he said to me was “Don’t do anything stupid!” He meant is as advice, and it was good advice. I haven’t followed it, exactly, but I know that he wants me to learn from his mistakes. He is an example to me of someone who can overcome their addictions to make their lives better. My dad didn’t even let him know I existed until he was certain that my granddad was safe and off liquor. I’m glad he did get off it, because I wouldn’t be able to make it through some days without remembering him.
I love you, Granddad John.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
SegastaGlorious
It's really not fair.
She has a past...a recent one.
She really wants to change.
She made really bad decisions right before coming here...but now she's here. Things are so different now. I am so proud of her. She took an ugly situation and saw what she needed to do. When she got here, she met the right people. The Spirit of Ricks took her by storm and now she wants so bad to be somebody better...and she has a really great start. She cares. She knows who the enemy is (Satan) and she has become able to recognize evil and stay away from it. She has grown so much in the short time that I've known her. Her faith has grown so much. She used to say things that were just like...wow, she's a total ho...but now she says things and its like...that's so true. Especially the last two weeks, she has been so good and so clean. Anybody could tell that she has made huge strides in her spirituality. Now God matters to her. God is number 1 to her.
Things are rough for her. I know what it's like getting over an addiction. The feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and frustration can at times be unbearable. It took me the biggest mistake of my life to scare me enough to change, that on top of my friend asking me to baptize him set me on the right track prontissimo. This time, though, wanting to come back to Christ and focusing on the Lord has taken me a long time. It's still difficult. She, on the other hand, made that switch in mindset so fast. Now it seems like nothing can get in her way to repentance.
...except for Exhibit A: Selena
Selena is a total ho. There's no way around it. She lives her life the way much of America lives their lives. The problem with that is we are all trying to live a better life--a happier life. Selena gets in the way. She has made it hard on everybody, including me, to make progress. Everybody has had issues and has had to talk to the Bishop because of the influence Selena is on that room. Sometimes I have really spiritual moments in that room. I have felt the Spirit there more than once. Never has this occurred when Selena is over there. She takes it away. Not only does she make it hard for us to keep clean thoughts and feel the Spirit, but she also mocks us for trying, sets an extremely poor example, and gives no respect for her roommates or the church.
Why is she even here?
So now, Selena has a good chance of getting kicked out, but our hero-girl might also get kicked out. WHAT? Hero-girl has made so much progress. She belongs here. She needs to be here so she can grow in the right environment. Selena, on the other hand, has made 0 progress, nor does she want to. She is loose, disrespectful, rude, and crude. She's gotta go.
Its not fair that SegastaGlorious might have to leave. If she goes back home it'll be so much harder for her to be the righteous daughter of God that she wants to be.
I'm really proud of her, and I hope she'll be able to stay.
---real names? who needs real names?
She has a past...a recent one.
She really wants to change.
She made really bad decisions right before coming here...but now she's here. Things are so different now. I am so proud of her. She took an ugly situation and saw what she needed to do. When she got here, she met the right people. The Spirit of Ricks took her by storm and now she wants so bad to be somebody better...and she has a really great start. She cares. She knows who the enemy is (Satan) and she has become able to recognize evil and stay away from it. She has grown so much in the short time that I've known her. Her faith has grown so much. She used to say things that were just like...wow, she's a total ho...but now she says things and its like...that's so true. Especially the last two weeks, she has been so good and so clean. Anybody could tell that she has made huge strides in her spirituality. Now God matters to her. God is number 1 to her.
Things are rough for her. I know what it's like getting over an addiction. The feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and frustration can at times be unbearable. It took me the biggest mistake of my life to scare me enough to change, that on top of my friend asking me to baptize him set me on the right track prontissimo. This time, though, wanting to come back to Christ and focusing on the Lord has taken me a long time. It's still difficult. She, on the other hand, made that switch in mindset so fast. Now it seems like nothing can get in her way to repentance.
...except for Exhibit A: Selena
Selena is a total ho. There's no way around it. She lives her life the way much of America lives their lives. The problem with that is we are all trying to live a better life--a happier life. Selena gets in the way. She has made it hard on everybody, including me, to make progress. Everybody has had issues and has had to talk to the Bishop because of the influence Selena is on that room. Sometimes I have really spiritual moments in that room. I have felt the Spirit there more than once. Never has this occurred when Selena is over there. She takes it away. Not only does she make it hard for us to keep clean thoughts and feel the Spirit, but she also mocks us for trying, sets an extremely poor example, and gives no respect for her roommates or the church.
Why is she even here?
So now, Selena has a good chance of getting kicked out, but our hero-girl might also get kicked out. WHAT? Hero-girl has made so much progress. She belongs here. She needs to be here so she can grow in the right environment. Selena, on the other hand, has made 0 progress, nor does she want to. She is loose, disrespectful, rude, and crude. She's gotta go.
Its not fair that SegastaGlorious might have to leave. If she goes back home it'll be so much harder for her to be the righteous daughter of God that she wants to be.
I'm really proud of her, and I hope she'll be able to stay.
---real names? who needs real names?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Americano?
You know the song "Handlebars" by Flobots?
duh. You are most likely some teenage weirdo who knows this kid, Gabe and if you do, you know the song. That's the way of the multiverse.
This song is a commentary on American arrogance. It gets more and more obvious. Pretty much, American can do anything. We therefore command respect from everyone.
There is a general philosophy in America to go around the system to get what you want, or even just because you can. For example, riding a bike with no handlebars. You can still ride a bike without having to use the handlebars. Likewise, you can have the Afghanis fight your war against the Soviet Union for you. We want to have a war with the USSR, but they invaded Afghanistan, not us (because we wouldn't give them aid before, by the way). We get all excited to go to war with the USSR, but if WE do it ourselves a nuclear war might erupt...that'd be smart. MAD ensures that any sane person would never nuke another country. Anyway, we just have Afghanistan go to our war. It devastated their nation and as soon as they were done keeping the Soviet Union out of Afghanistan, we ran away. Now Afghanistan is pissed at us for not helping them...so their premier terrorist group gives us the biggest terrorist attack in history. That's pretty much when we fell off the bike because we weren't holding on to the handlebars.
That's pretty much how America does everything. "Handlebars" shows how stupid this philosophy is. We can do anything we want. We break international laws all the time, but who's checking America? The UN? right. We use our power to our advantage. Who in their right mind would argue with the US? If you screw us, we'll just stop trading with you. Way to go, stopping trade with the biggest international consumer in the world. America doesn't care about the little guys in the world. We only care when it affects us. How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before 9/11? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before Kuwait? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before the 70s trade embargo? How many of us still know nothing about the Middle East?
The only reason why we care is because they bombed us, they give us oil, and one of the pillars of their religion is to take over the world. Small exaggeration, maybe, but it's true.
Who cared about China before we realized that our trade deficit with them is 5% of our GDP?
Who cared about China before they turned to communism? Nobody. Now they're one of the leading powers in the world. They could defeat us. Hands down. If for any reason we ever went to war with China, we would have to resort to nuclear war in order to win...and then everybody loses. How could you survive without products made in China?
So what do you know about China? The capitol city? What about Tibet? I think they should get the independence that they desire.
anyway.
Learn about the world! You're in it. American society is failing.
I love America, by the way. I truly believe that this country was created with instruction from the Lord. But we don't have to make the entire world like America instead of accepting other cultures as existent.
End of rant.
duh. You are most likely some teenage weirdo who knows this kid, Gabe and if you do, you know the song. That's the way of the multiverse.
This song is a commentary on American arrogance. It gets more and more obvious. Pretty much, American can do anything. We therefore command respect from everyone.
There is a general philosophy in America to go around the system to get what you want, or even just because you can. For example, riding a bike with no handlebars. You can still ride a bike without having to use the handlebars. Likewise, you can have the Afghanis fight your war against the Soviet Union for you. We want to have a war with the USSR, but they invaded Afghanistan, not us (because we wouldn't give them aid before, by the way). We get all excited to go to war with the USSR, but if WE do it ourselves a nuclear war might erupt...that'd be smart. MAD ensures that any sane person would never nuke another country. Anyway, we just have Afghanistan go to our war. It devastated their nation and as soon as they were done keeping the Soviet Union out of Afghanistan, we ran away. Now Afghanistan is pissed at us for not helping them...so their premier terrorist group gives us the biggest terrorist attack in history. That's pretty much when we fell off the bike because we weren't holding on to the handlebars.
That's pretty much how America does everything. "Handlebars" shows how stupid this philosophy is. We can do anything we want. We break international laws all the time, but who's checking America? The UN? right. We use our power to our advantage. Who in their right mind would argue with the US? If you screw us, we'll just stop trading with you. Way to go, stopping trade with the biggest international consumer in the world. America doesn't care about the little guys in the world. We only care when it affects us. How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before 9/11? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before Kuwait? How many of us knew anything about the Middle East before the 70s trade embargo? How many of us still know nothing about the Middle East?
The only reason why we care is because they bombed us, they give us oil, and one of the pillars of their religion is to take over the world. Small exaggeration, maybe, but it's true.
Who cared about China before we realized that our trade deficit with them is 5% of our GDP?
Who cared about China before they turned to communism? Nobody. Now they're one of the leading powers in the world. They could defeat us. Hands down. If for any reason we ever went to war with China, we would have to resort to nuclear war in order to win...and then everybody loses. How could you survive without products made in China?
So what do you know about China? The capitol city? What about Tibet? I think they should get the independence that they desire.
anyway.
Learn about the world! You're in it. American society is failing.
I love America, by the way. I truly believe that this country was created with instruction from the Lord. But we don't have to make the entire world like America instead of accepting other cultures as existent.
End of rant.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
I can't believe I put up with him for so long.
There are four big reasons why I did it.
1. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
I was talking to my dad the other day about this whole mess. We talked for an hour, but the best advice I got from him about Tterrag was this: When he was my age he was either on his mission or in college and he was having the same problem I was having. He was trying to help people--give them advice, guidance, direction, suggestions, etc, and he felt like a total failure because it wasn't working. This is Tterrag and me in a nutshell. I work so hard to help him be a better person, let alone how hard I try to be his friend, or believe he's my friend. So my dad went around asking adults for advice. This one professor told him that he had grown to feel sorry for people instead of feeling like a failure for not being able to help them. I saw no progress with Tterrag and I felt like a failure because of it. I mean, it's not exactly my mission in life to turn him into a better person.
So I had to let him go. I was working so hard to be his friend and help him and he was doing squat. It wasn't fair. I was giving, and not getting back.
2. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
A few weeks ago, I had Tterrag take several aspects of his life and rank them on what he spent the most time on and what was important to him. I thought he really needed the lesson that he wasn't spending time on the right things. Little did I know that at the same time, I wasn't following my own advice.
I spend about a fifth of my emotional energy on Tterrag. The rest of my emotional stress goes to my addictions. However, I was spending nearly all of my emotional-stress time on Tterrag. This does not make sense. I should be spending very little of my stressed time on him since very little of my stress, relatively, was targeted to him.
So I had to let him go. I spent too much work on something, when my work really should have been going somewhere else.
3. do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Speaking of my addiction-stress, it got started around the time I started rooming with Tterrag. He was not the cause of it, basically ever. However, these past months I have stagnated in failure after failure. I need somebody to look up to. Tterrag is worthy and all that jazz, but he's a jerk. He doesn't do his homework, he sleeps in class, does his own thing at church, stays up all hours of the night, and carouses with girls all day. I can't look up to him. I don't want to be like him, I just want one aspect of him. Frankly, he's not delivering. Sometimes...a lot of the time it's fun. We have some laughs, go to some parties, play some pool...but it is not worth the lack of growth in my life.
So I had to let him go. He wasn't the reason, but his absence can certainly be the cure.
4. Beware of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee.
This morning was ridiculous. I've been compromising with Tterrag this past weekend: trying to be interested in his life, staying up a bit with him, talking--just trying to heal our friendship.
So last night, I went to bed at 3, or 3:3o. It was already ridiculously late. I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of Tterrag reciting ALOUD a paper he had written to his girlfriend on Skype. First of all, she flippin' LIVES in Rexxxburg, so I don't see the need for a webcam...certainly not one for this amount of time, at least. Its not like he doesn't see her everyday anyway. Second of all, I WAS ASLEEP! How dare he read aloud in our room while I was sleeping. He knows I'm a light sleeper. He just wasn't thinking, I thought. I said, "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he doesn't stop, just keeps reading. I figure *he probably think's I'm sleep-talking.* So I say again more forcefully "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he stops this time, mumbles something, and I went back to bed. I fell back asleep by 5. At 6 I wake up to him tip-tapping away at his computer, laughing and slipping in a comment here and there while typing. I figure--that's so stupid. I mean, I know he knows that I don't want to be woken up; I already confronted him about it. I tried to fall back asleep anyway. I tried for 20 minutes or so, but I wasn't anywhere close to sleeping. I stood up and I said, rather forcefully, "Tterrag, get off the computer NOW." No response. No excuse. I walked over there and tried to unplug his computer. He blocked me, so I grabbed his arms and I said into his ear "If you don't have plans to move out by tonight, I'll leave." I stormed out of the room with my pillow and blanket and went next door to get some sleep. I like Matt and Andrew's room, but concrete isn't the most comfortable thing. I struggled to sleep for a good 15-20 minutes and just when I was about to fall asleep, Matt's alarm went off. 7:00=Breakfast. I was starving, but my fatigue overpowered my hunger and I went without breakfast and slept on Matt's bed until 10:45--skipping my Russian class. I'm not sure how many more times I can skip Russian without failing. I like Russian, but my warning was jsut a few minutes before I'd have to leave--it wasn't worth it. I was so tired.
So I had to let him go.
Tterrag was my best friend. I was dependent on him for general survival for quite a while. He helped me so much more than he can ever know. But those days have come and gone and now I'm sick, I need sleep. I'm addicted, I need to grow. I can't be surrounded all the time by someone who doesn't sleep, doesn't do homework, and is spinning down into a place I'm trying to get out of.
He needs to be careful.
So I had to let him go, right?
There are four big reasons why I did it.
1. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
I was talking to my dad the other day about this whole mess. We talked for an hour, but the best advice I got from him about Tterrag was this: When he was my age he was either on his mission or in college and he was having the same problem I was having. He was trying to help people--give them advice, guidance, direction, suggestions, etc, and he felt like a total failure because it wasn't working. This is Tterrag and me in a nutshell. I work so hard to help him be a better person, let alone how hard I try to be his friend, or believe he's my friend. So my dad went around asking adults for advice. This one professor told him that he had grown to feel sorry for people instead of feeling like a failure for not being able to help them. I saw no progress with Tterrag and I felt like a failure because of it. I mean, it's not exactly my mission in life to turn him into a better person.
So I had to let him go. I was working so hard to be his friend and help him and he was doing squat. It wasn't fair. I was giving, and not getting back.
2. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
A few weeks ago, I had Tterrag take several aspects of his life and rank them on what he spent the most time on and what was important to him. I thought he really needed the lesson that he wasn't spending time on the right things. Little did I know that at the same time, I wasn't following my own advice.
I spend about a fifth of my emotional energy on Tterrag. The rest of my emotional stress goes to my addictions. However, I was spending nearly all of my emotional-stress time on Tterrag. This does not make sense. I should be spending very little of my stressed time on him since very little of my stress, relatively, was targeted to him.
So I had to let him go. I spent too much work on something, when my work really should have been going somewhere else.
3. do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Speaking of my addiction-stress, it got started around the time I started rooming with Tterrag. He was not the cause of it, basically ever. However, these past months I have stagnated in failure after failure. I need somebody to look up to. Tterrag is worthy and all that jazz, but he's a jerk. He doesn't do his homework, he sleeps in class, does his own thing at church, stays up all hours of the night, and carouses with girls all day. I can't look up to him. I don't want to be like him, I just want one aspect of him. Frankly, he's not delivering. Sometimes...a lot of the time it's fun. We have some laughs, go to some parties, play some pool...but it is not worth the lack of growth in my life.
So I had to let him go. He wasn't the reason, but his absence can certainly be the cure.
4. Beware of entrance to a quarrel but, being in, Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee.
This morning was ridiculous. I've been compromising with Tterrag this past weekend: trying to be interested in his life, staying up a bit with him, talking--just trying to heal our friendship.
So last night, I went to bed at 3, or 3:3o. It was already ridiculously late. I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of Tterrag reciting ALOUD a paper he had written to his girlfriend on Skype. First of all, she flippin' LIVES in Rexxxburg, so I don't see the need for a webcam...certainly not one for this amount of time, at least. Its not like he doesn't see her everyday anyway. Second of all, I WAS ASLEEP! How dare he read aloud in our room while I was sleeping. He knows I'm a light sleeper. He just wasn't thinking, I thought. I said, "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he doesn't stop, just keeps reading. I figure *he probably think's I'm sleep-talking.* So I say again more forcefully "Tterrag, what the hell do you think you're doing?"--he stops this time, mumbles something, and I went back to bed. I fell back asleep by 5. At 6 I wake up to him tip-tapping away at his computer, laughing and slipping in a comment here and there while typing. I figure--that's so stupid. I mean, I know he knows that I don't want to be woken up; I already confronted him about it. I tried to fall back asleep anyway. I tried for 20 minutes or so, but I wasn't anywhere close to sleeping. I stood up and I said, rather forcefully, "Tterrag, get off the computer NOW." No response. No excuse. I walked over there and tried to unplug his computer. He blocked me, so I grabbed his arms and I said into his ear "If you don't have plans to move out by tonight, I'll leave." I stormed out of the room with my pillow and blanket and went next door to get some sleep. I like Matt and Andrew's room, but concrete isn't the most comfortable thing. I struggled to sleep for a good 15-20 minutes and just when I was about to fall asleep, Matt's alarm went off. 7:00=Breakfast. I was starving, but my fatigue overpowered my hunger and I went without breakfast and slept on Matt's bed until 10:45--skipping my Russian class. I'm not sure how many more times I can skip Russian without failing. I like Russian, but my warning was jsut a few minutes before I'd have to leave--it wasn't worth it. I was so tired.
So I had to let him go.
Tterrag was my best friend. I was dependent on him for general survival for quite a while. He helped me so much more than he can ever know. But those days have come and gone and now I'm sick, I need sleep. I'm addicted, I need to grow. I can't be surrounded all the time by someone who doesn't sleep, doesn't do homework, and is spinning down into a place I'm trying to get out of.
He needs to be careful.
So I had to let him go, right?
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