This is part of a series I am trying to do in order to establish a social protocol. There has already been an earlier entry a couple of posts ago. Feel free to comment and discuss any disagreements or suggestions.
Relationships: People You Know
Teacher at School:
This person is a professional. They know more than you do. They challenge your mind and test your knowledge and, overall, have your best interests at heart. They more than likely are doing what they are doing because they strongly believe in helping you reach your potential. Because of this, respect them. They work more than you know with more care and concern than you are aware, so PLEASE follow these simple guidelines so they don’t go insane. Do what they tell you. TRY on your homework, which you should do. NEVER demean them, talk down to them, or argue with them about something unrelated to your education. They more than likely have different opinions than you, but you should still respect what they have to say in regard to what they’re teaching. You are around this person quite a bit and may possibly become friends. However, it is inappropriate in 99.998% of situations to romantically engage a schoolteacher at any level. As friends, remember that teachers are very busy and often have hundreds of students and may not return your friendship on the same level. In this relationship, the teacher affects each one of the students equally. If the unit of effect is 1 for each student, it is also 1 for the teacher. The entire class affects the teacher as much as the teacher affects each individual. Platonic love may be present in this relationship.
Religion Teacher:
You are more than likely closer with your Sunday School teacher than your secular school teacher. The subject matter is much more personal and real. Therefore, you may become very close with your religion teacher. Also, your religion teacher is more likely to be closer to your age. In church the teaching is done by all, and the teacher is more of a leader. Thusly everyone benefits 1 from each other. The teacher is merely a guide for the discussion. Discussion should be filled with love and wisdom and should not consist of backbiting, gossip, or harmful remarks. Respect everyone in the class and what they have to say. Do not interrupt. Never discuss politics in church. Come to class prepared, having read the material to be discussed in class.
The Unfriendly Co-worker:
We spend lots of time at work, and often with the same people. Over time, you can develop a special relationship with your co-workers. If nothing blocks that relationship, you will more than likely become good friends with your co-workers. Every so often, however, co-workers might not like each other. This creates a very awkward situation. Assuming you are not this type of co-worker (you should always try to be friendly with co-workers) certain behavior is unacceptable. You should never encourage someone at work to be unfriendly. This includes, but is not limited to, spreading gossip, being unfriendly yourself, mocking, discriminating, persecuting, categorizing co-workers as enemies in some work-related competition—organized, or otherwise—and leaving co-workers out. Once a co-worker has become unfriendly to you, do not reciprocate. Maintain friendliness despite everything. You should be working on regaining friendly relations with this person. How you do that is up to you. Remember that attitude is everything! “Killing them with kindness” is an unacceptable attitude. You are being nice, only so they feel uncomfortable with their feelings. You can still be nice, but be sincere.
The Boss:
It is in your best interest to become friends with this particular co-worker. Your continued employment with this company, as well as your raises, position, and comfort count on positive relations with this person. These relations are based on your performance, as well as friendliness. You need to do what your boss tells you to within reason. It is unacceptable for a boss to ask of you something against company policy, the law, or ethics. This type of behavior must be reported to a higher authority. If your boss is treating you a certain way, they are more than likely treating other employees the same way. It is your responsibility to keep your boss in line as far as unacceptable behavior is concerned. The boss most likely doesn’t show their faults to their superiors. Reporting improper behavior is the employees responsibility. Hopefully this never happens. With minor incidents, the employee should talk to the boss directly. Only major issues should be discussed with upper management. You can still be friends with your boss, but remember: a boss is a boss first, and a friend second. Their evaluation of your performance should not be based on your friendship, but on your performance. Any negative comments should not be personal, but professional. They are a person, too.
Non-Friend Fellow Church-goers:
Always maintain friendly connections with all fellow church-goers no matter what. New members need friends and positive reinforcement. For many people, religion is a complicated subject and you should never do anything that might create a negative experience for someone at church. Also, someone’s relationship with God is their own business, and not yours. Do not pry into their past, or their struggles. Do not create a clique in your church circles. Always try to invite new people. Remember, we are all striving toward the same goal, otherwise we wouldn’t be there.
Your Friend/Brother/Sister/Roommate’s Girlfriend/Boyfriend:
PLAY NICE! Who somebody likes, or is attracted to, can be personal. Several complicated situations could arise. If you like the person they are dating, back off. They’re dating them now. You should not be trying to break them apart so you can have a chance. You should not consider it a betrayal, especially if they didn’t know you liked them before. You are most likely closer to the friend/brother/sister/roommate than you are to the girlfriend/boyfriend. Remain cordial relations with the gf/bf. You should also understand that some people are off limits. If a friend/brother/sister/roommate dates someone you have already dated without your blessing, your friendship should be called into question. This is definitely an off-limits relationship. You need to let your friend know. Never confront your friend about a “poor choice” significant other. Let them see it through. You do need to confront if the relationship becomes damaging to either one. In the meantime, play nice, and go forward.
The Annoying Boy/Girl From Class That Thinks You Two Are Friends, But You’re Really Not:
This is awkward. Let them know that you’re not really friends. It is tough, and seems rude, but if you just don’t want to be friends let them know. Try not to let a relationship develop if you are not sincere. This can cause a broken heart when they find out you’re not really friends. If your other friends are sincerely friends with this person, then try to become friends with them. Do not ignore them, put them down, be rude to them, shame them, mock them, or talk about them behind their back. Such behavior is immature and unacceptable.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Long, random, meaningful, and overdue
I wrote this letter to an old friend while he was on his mission, but did not have the courage to send it. Besides, the government of the country he was in...not to be trusted. He might not have ever gotten the letter anyway.
well, here goes. We'll call him Brandon to protect his identity.
Brandon!
I know I said that I would write to you when you left, but it is only with thoughts of your return that I'm actually doing it. If you didn't notice, you got to witness my favorite pen die. Lame.
Anyway, I had a great year at BYU-Idaho. I absolutely loved it! I met so many friends there. I had both the happiest and saddest moments there, the latter of which has caused me to never be able to go back. I wish I could return, but I have chosen to reflect on how wonderful it was, instead of how wonderful it could have been. I imagine you had more joys from Rexburg than I did.
I guess now would be a good time to have a point to this letter. I just want to say how grateful I am to have met you. Your arm of friendship meant more to me than any other friendship before or since. This is not because it was all that close of a friendship, or because we shared so many great times, but because of the effect ift had on my testimony.
When we became friends I was not living my life the way I ought to. I didn't know it at the time, but my life was being overrun by Satan. I had not, as yet, considered whether or not the church was true. Yet, as we became friends I knew what you and [Tyler, let's say] might think about the things that I was doing. It was not a big step from "What do my friends think about what I'm doing?" to "What does my Father in Heaven think about what I'm doing?"
Soon after that I started changing my life around. It all started one day when you just started being my friend.
I would have liked to leave on my mission before you got back from [a South American country] but I'm afraid that is far from the truth. I was scheduling to write a letter to the 1st Presidency sometime this Fall, after which I might appeal to go on a mission, and might have been able to leave as early as March 2010! Unfortunately, I messed up big time after my second semester in Idaho. Now my only chance would be writing a similar letter of appeal in several YEARS and even then with a much less chance of being able to go.
How easily the hearts of men are provoked by Satan!
Over the years, I have gotten proficient at determining a positive attitude, and choosing not to get offended. So I will go forward, chin high, and take whatever life offers me. As Nephi, I will rejoice in God's glory instead of wallowing in my agony.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, but since you left, I have discovered something about myself: I am attracted to men. Last Summer, when I could finally admit to myself this truth, I was met with some measure of peace. When I discovered the church's view on it, I was met with even more peace. The attractions themselves are not a sin, but acting on them is. I was overjoyed! Not only this, but I was introduced to an online network called "Northstar!" There there were many dozens of other guys also struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) who want to stay faithful in the church. More peace. Then, I met several other guys who struggled with SSA in Rexburg and Idaho Falls. In that support group I met some of the best friends ever. More peace.
Anyway, because of you, I will never be able to live my life the way man would tell me to and appease that side of me, but because of you, I have also found more peace and joy through righteous living more than I could any other way.
For these reasons, I consider the friendship we had some years ago the most important one in my life. I would never be able to thank you enough for that simple act of friendship nearly 5 years ago. The road is long and hard, but through the Lord, I will prevail!
Still your friend,
well, here goes. We'll call him Brandon to protect his identity.
Brandon!
I know I said that I would write to you when you left, but it is only with thoughts of your return that I'm actually doing it. If you didn't notice, you got to witness my favorite pen die. Lame.
Anyway, I had a great year at BYU-Idaho. I absolutely loved it! I met so many friends there. I had both the happiest and saddest moments there, the latter of which has caused me to never be able to go back. I wish I could return, but I have chosen to reflect on how wonderful it was, instead of how wonderful it could have been. I imagine you had more joys from Rexburg than I did.
I guess now would be a good time to have a point to this letter. I just want to say how grateful I am to have met you. Your arm of friendship meant more to me than any other friendship before or since. This is not because it was all that close of a friendship, or because we shared so many great times, but because of the effect ift had on my testimony.
When we became friends I was not living my life the way I ought to. I didn't know it at the time, but my life was being overrun by Satan. I had not, as yet, considered whether or not the church was true. Yet, as we became friends I knew what you and [Tyler, let's say] might think about the things that I was doing. It was not a big step from "What do my friends think about what I'm doing?" to "What does my Father in Heaven think about what I'm doing?"
Soon after that I started changing my life around. It all started one day when you just started being my friend.
I would have liked to leave on my mission before you got back from [a South American country] but I'm afraid that is far from the truth. I was scheduling to write a letter to the 1st Presidency sometime this Fall, after which I might appeal to go on a mission, and might have been able to leave as early as March 2010! Unfortunately, I messed up big time after my second semester in Idaho. Now my only chance would be writing a similar letter of appeal in several YEARS and even then with a much less chance of being able to go.
How easily the hearts of men are provoked by Satan!
Over the years, I have gotten proficient at determining a positive attitude, and choosing not to get offended. So I will go forward, chin high, and take whatever life offers me. As Nephi, I will rejoice in God's glory instead of wallowing in my agony.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, but since you left, I have discovered something about myself: I am attracted to men. Last Summer, when I could finally admit to myself this truth, I was met with some measure of peace. When I discovered the church's view on it, I was met with even more peace. The attractions themselves are not a sin, but acting on them is. I was overjoyed! Not only this, but I was introduced to an online network called "Northstar!" There there were many dozens of other guys also struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) who want to stay faithful in the church. More peace. Then, I met several other guys who struggled with SSA in Rexburg and Idaho Falls. In that support group I met some of the best friends ever. More peace.
Anyway, because of you, I will never be able to live my life the way man would tell me to and appease that side of me, but because of you, I have also found more peace and joy through righteous living more than I could any other way.
For these reasons, I consider the friendship we had some years ago the most important one in my life. I would never be able to thank you enough for that simple act of friendship nearly 5 years ago. The road is long and hard, but through the Lord, I will prevail!
Still your friend,
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Lesson I Learned From Franz Schubert
As many of you probably know, Franz Schubert was a pretty prolific composer of classical music. He created an amazing body of work including 9 symphonies, and several piano solos and compositions. He is now considered one of the best musical minds of his era. Schubert died from Typhoid at the age of 31.
31!
I can't even imagine! It wasn't until that last year that Schubert was even recognized as being the master that he was. His life was cut in half by an unexpected disease, but look at the legacy he left behind! In only 31 years Schubert brought some of the best music the world has known.
And then, being who I am, I thought of myself. If my life got cut short at the age of 31 what kind of legacy would I leave? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. We can't all be Schuberts and Van Goghs, but we can create a legacy of our own. When do you think Schubert started creating his? I'd say since childhood. He took professional lessons from an early age and he worked his whole life to become who he is now. What the Hell have I done to become who I will become? Not a single thing! I don't want to start my life at 25, I want to start my life now! What if I leave this life unexpectedly? I will not leave with peace! I would leave with shame!
Well, surely, something must be done! I need to move things along!
So I want to move back to Idaho. There is nothing for me here. I have wasted away here since I acted out and I have made little progress. I have sat here, stagnant. A failure left to suck on the prodigal teet of parenthood. I am here as a crutch. Well, I'm not broken. I'm in perfect health. I just feel sorry for myself. I am not proactive. I am not active. I have no motivation or self-confidence to talk to a stranger. To stick up for myself. To make new friends. To ask somebody out on a date. To LIVE!!
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." ---Thoreau
And so, to suck out the very marrow of life, what am I to do? Get one! I need to
A- live in a city
B- have male role models around me with the same standards I do
C- a singles ward
D- possibly, a support group for people like me consisting of my very best friends?
These things all lead me to Idaho Falls. I want to live! I want to get my self-confidence back. I want to overcome my addictions and have friends. I want romance!
I realize that moving to IF isn't going to solve all my problems. I need more than just a new atmosphere, I need a new attitude. I need to convince myself that I need to take action if I want to be a worthy member of the church, which I do.
So here's the plan. I need to leave New Hampshire with firm footing or I will fall. If I can go without my addictions for a solid month before January, then I will leave. And never come back to stay.
Is that motivation enough? It better be. Hard work is difficult. What was I supposed to expect? A Twinkie? I think not. Life is not a Twinkie, It's 50-lb. bags of whole grain wheat, sugar, and a cow. You need to make the Twinkie yourself.
31!
I can't even imagine! It wasn't until that last year that Schubert was even recognized as being the master that he was. His life was cut in half by an unexpected disease, but look at the legacy he left behind! In only 31 years Schubert brought some of the best music the world has known.
And then, being who I am, I thought of myself. If my life got cut short at the age of 31 what kind of legacy would I leave? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. We can't all be Schuberts and Van Goghs, but we can create a legacy of our own. When do you think Schubert started creating his? I'd say since childhood. He took professional lessons from an early age and he worked his whole life to become who he is now. What the Hell have I done to become who I will become? Not a single thing! I don't want to start my life at 25, I want to start my life now! What if I leave this life unexpectedly? I will not leave with peace! I would leave with shame!
Well, surely, something must be done! I need to move things along!
So I want to move back to Idaho. There is nothing for me here. I have wasted away here since I acted out and I have made little progress. I have sat here, stagnant. A failure left to suck on the prodigal teet of parenthood. I am here as a crutch. Well, I'm not broken. I'm in perfect health. I just feel sorry for myself. I am not proactive. I am not active. I have no motivation or self-confidence to talk to a stranger. To stick up for myself. To make new friends. To ask somebody out on a date. To LIVE!!
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." ---Thoreau
And so, to suck out the very marrow of life, what am I to do? Get one! I need to
A- live in a city
B- have male role models around me with the same standards I do
C- a singles ward
D- possibly, a support group for people like me consisting of my very best friends?
These things all lead me to Idaho Falls. I want to live! I want to get my self-confidence back. I want to overcome my addictions and have friends. I want romance!
I realize that moving to IF isn't going to solve all my problems. I need more than just a new atmosphere, I need a new attitude. I need to convince myself that I need to take action if I want to be a worthy member of the church, which I do.
So here's the plan. I need to leave New Hampshire with firm footing or I will fall. If I can go without my addictions for a solid month before January, then I will leave. And never come back to stay.
Is that motivation enough? It better be. Hard work is difficult. What was I supposed to expect? A Twinkie? I think not. Life is not a Twinkie, It's 50-lb. bags of whole grain wheat, sugar, and a cow. You need to make the Twinkie yourself.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Relationships: People You Don't Know
The Complete Stranger:
Unless you plan on getting to know them better, do not acknowledge this person. Do not allow this person to acknowledge you without further questioning. They could be a total creep! Them acknowledging your existence could be a way to let their gang buddies know who their gonna target. You have no idea.
The Customer/Employee:
These people are still strangers, although you have an obligation to talk to them in order to get what you want/give them what they want. You do not know this person and may very well never see them again, but they are still people. Never treat them with disrespect, or rudeness. Conversation should always be extremely polite and should include "sir" or "ma'am." Customers' children are also people. Do not ignore them. You, as a customer, are not responsible for treating the employees how you feel you're being treated, in correlation with how good of a job you think they're doing, with enough anger/exasperation to get around the rules to get what you want, or with a condescending attitude.
The Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who's face you have seen before. You may say hello in the hallway, although you are not required to. You might say "How you doin'?" You don't care about the answer, but it's the lack of thought that counts. At least you asked. You don't just go up to them and laugh at them, or ignore them, or tell other people rumors about them. You might not have any relationship with this person, but what you say can make a difference on how they view themselves. You, as mostly an outsider but not total stranger, act as a valid third party. If you approve of them, and make that evident, they will improve their self-image. Never talk them down.
The Not-So-Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who you ran into like a brick wall on the subway. You exchanged "Sorry"s and "Excuse Me"s and had a brief laugh over the encounter. This is the person who you seem to always be next to in line at the store. This is the person you got in a car accident with, etc. You share a special connection, but have not been formally introduced, or if you have, you do not see them on a regular basis. You are allowed to touch this person via handshake, or hand to shoulder touch lasting no longer than 5 seconds. Word exchanges such as "Next time, you better watch your step," or "Klutz," or "Hey, watch it," or anything else that indicates fault are not appropriate. In the case of a car accident where fault needs to be discussed, hold temper down and if an agreement cannot be made in 5 minutes, let the insurance companies deal with it. Comments such as "Nice," or "That's cute. That's adorable," or "Well that's great," should be spoken with mild interest, NOT WITH SARCASM. You are being sarcastic, but you do not want to have blame laid down by subtext. Words like "Oh, sorry," or "Oops," or "Hey, I see you here a lot," are satisfactory. Depending on how often you see this person, you may move it up to the next level.
The Friend of a Friend:
You have been formally introduced, but have only seen one another a couple times at a party or something. You share a mutual friend, so supposedly you have something in common with them besides the friend. If put in an awkward situation where the two of you are left alone, small talk must be used. Hopefully the awkward situation can be transformed into the beginnings of a friendship, thereby bringing you, them, and the friend closer together. When you see each other in the hallway you are REQUIRED to acknowledge their presence.
Next Week: Relationships: People You Do Know
Unless you plan on getting to know them better, do not acknowledge this person. Do not allow this person to acknowledge you without further questioning. They could be a total creep! Them acknowledging your existence could be a way to let their gang buddies know who their gonna target. You have no idea.
The Customer/Employee:
These people are still strangers, although you have an obligation to talk to them in order to get what you want/give them what they want. You do not know this person and may very well never see them again, but they are still people. Never treat them with disrespect, or rudeness. Conversation should always be extremely polite and should include "sir" or "ma'am." Customers' children are also people. Do not ignore them. You, as a customer, are not responsible for treating the employees how you feel you're being treated, in correlation with how good of a job you think they're doing, with enough anger/exasperation to get around the rules to get what you want, or with a condescending attitude.
The Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who's face you have seen before. You may say hello in the hallway, although you are not required to. You might say "How you doin'?" You don't care about the answer, but it's the lack of thought that counts. At least you asked. You don't just go up to them and laugh at them, or ignore them, or tell other people rumors about them. You might not have any relationship with this person, but what you say can make a difference on how they view themselves. You, as mostly an outsider but not total stranger, act as a valid third party. If you approve of them, and make that evident, they will improve their self-image. Never talk them down.
The Not-So-Casual Acquaintance:
This is the person who you ran into like a brick wall on the subway. You exchanged "Sorry"s and "Excuse Me"s and had a brief laugh over the encounter. This is the person who you seem to always be next to in line at the store. This is the person you got in a car accident with, etc. You share a special connection, but have not been formally introduced, or if you have, you do not see them on a regular basis. You are allowed to touch this person via handshake, or hand to shoulder touch lasting no longer than 5 seconds. Word exchanges such as "Next time, you better watch your step," or "Klutz," or "Hey, watch it," or anything else that indicates fault are not appropriate. In the case of a car accident where fault needs to be discussed, hold temper down and if an agreement cannot be made in 5 minutes, let the insurance companies deal with it. Comments such as "Nice," or "That's cute. That's adorable," or "Well that's great," should be spoken with mild interest, NOT WITH SARCASM. You are being sarcastic, but you do not want to have blame laid down by subtext. Words like "Oh, sorry," or "Oops," or "Hey, I see you here a lot," are satisfactory. Depending on how often you see this person, you may move it up to the next level.
The Friend of a Friend:
You have been formally introduced, but have only seen one another a couple times at a party or something. You share a mutual friend, so supposedly you have something in common with them besides the friend. If put in an awkward situation where the two of you are left alone, small talk must be used. Hopefully the awkward situation can be transformed into the beginnings of a friendship, thereby bringing you, them, and the friend closer together. When you see each other in the hallway you are REQUIRED to acknowledge their presence.
Next Week: Relationships: People You Do Know
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Pride? Again?
I guess this means I'm back to square one.
When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."
Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.
But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?
I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."
I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?
As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.
I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.
So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.
But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.
Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.
good freakin' night.
When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."
Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.
But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?
I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."
I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?
As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.
I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.
So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.
But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.
Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.
good freakin' night.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Video Games and the Internet
Video Games and the Internet
I loved Elder Bednar’s fireside for two reasons: one, he said a lot of things that I’ve been saying for a while, especially in the last few weeks, and two, he also said several things that I NEEDED to hear.
First off: video games = evil.
If one could compare the societal prevalence of an addiction—that is to say how much society thinks of it as a damaging addiction—with the damage of an addiction, you get an interesting correlation. It seems that some of the least damaging addictions are widely known to be damaging in the first place, whereas more damaging addictions, tend to be less known as damaging addictions.
I’ll need examples to explain. WARNING—in this essay I’m using the word “prevalence” to mean that society in general regards a particular addiction as a dangerous addiction.
Smoking is probably the most prevalent addiction. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health and that its highly addictive. Prevalence is high. However, smoking is comparatively harmless. You will most likely die from it, although that death is far away. It will shave off years from your life. You also smell, and are hopelessly addicted to it—well not hopelessly, nothing’s hopeless, but you understand. All this makes it not very likely that you’ll get sucked into smoking. You know its bad. If you smoke, you knowingly damage your body.
Pornography/Masturbation is not very prevalent. Most people regard it as harmless, or a rite of passage, or a guy thing. Society in general thinks it perfectly harmless. They are very wrong though! Despite the low prevalence, damage is very high. It ruins your actual sexual experiences, it demeans the value you place on whatever gender you may be looking at, it perverts the mind, and most importantly it breaks up families. This makes it very dangerous. You are very likely to get roped into pornography/masturbation, thinking it harmless, and hardcore mess up your life. I’m sure many people reading this have this challenge.
The addiction I really want to talk about is gaming.
Prevalence is at an all-time low for this addiction. Everybody LOVES video games. Most people, especially boys, play them, and have played them since they were children. Almost everybody regards video games as a form of harmless entertainment, that is potentially educational. The only warning comes from Nintendo which started having a warning against playing too hard, pushing the buttons too hard can hurt your thumbs and lead to some joint disease.
Damage levels are through the roof on gaming, though. Gaming is highly addictive for nearly everybody. It takes a good deal of self control to stop. Even then, you wish you were still playing them and you think about them in other environments until you return to the game. Games are a huge time-waster. A person can spend hours upon hours playing video games, often not eating, sleeping, getting a job, paying attention to family members, doing schoolwork, talking to girlfriends, or any friends, etc. In other words, gamers will play games and nothing else until they are done—but they are never done.
Not only do video games waste time, but the content is often questionable. Video games are violent, more than half the time, and are occasionally sexual in some form. Video games therefore demean the value of human life. Also, many video games interact with other “real” people. People build intense relationships with people they have never met in the real world. This makes actual real-life people mean less to them. Video games take emotions in these cases. Often a person’s highlight of the week comes from a video gaming, or other computer experience, as Elder Bednar mentioned.
Also, video games tend to give a more scientific, or formulaic worldview. If x, then y. I hear all the time from heavy gamers something like this: “I don’t understand. I did blank and so and so didn’t blank. I can’t figure it out.” In video games a certain something will happen that has a definite cause. Also, one can go back, respawn, or restart to the same environment as before. This is not real. If you mess up, things will change. You cannot go back to something and have it be the same. There are so many different and complex consequences and conditions related to cause and effect relationships. Many subtleties can change the outcome of an event. This truth is sometimes lost to heavy gamers, whose view of reality slowly but surely disintegrates.
Damage from video game addiction can include, but is not limited to, losing your girlfriend/wife, losing your job, falling behind in school, losing faith in humanity, having a cynical, or comedic view of death, or loss of human life, complacency regarding violent actions, or visuals like gore, blood, and physical mutilation as well as violence, formulaic views of the world, start-over attitudes, spiritual decline, and misplaced emotions—not to mention over a dozen people have died playing video games.
Because of all this, I can almost guarantee that whoever is reading this has not only played a video game before, but hasn’t been able to stop before, or has wasted countless hours on video games, or computer games. The difference? Even I have wasted a lot of time on video games. I have missed school papers, ignored social obligations, including a girlfriend, so that I can play more video games—and I’ve always thought video games were bad. It is almost 100% likely that you have been influenced by video games in your life, therefore danger for this addiction is the highest of any other addiction I can think of. People think they’re harmless, but they’re not.
That is why I was so glad to hear somebody important, unlike me, to say some of these things. Elder Bednar is truly inspired of the Lord. When it comes from him, it comes from God.
I loved Elder Bednar’s fireside for two reasons: one, he said a lot of things that I’ve been saying for a while, especially in the last few weeks, and two, he also said several things that I NEEDED to hear.
First off: video games = evil.
If one could compare the societal prevalence of an addiction—that is to say how much society thinks of it as a damaging addiction—with the damage of an addiction, you get an interesting correlation. It seems that some of the least damaging addictions are widely known to be damaging in the first place, whereas more damaging addictions, tend to be less known as damaging addictions.
I’ll need examples to explain. WARNING—in this essay I’m using the word “prevalence” to mean that society in general regards a particular addiction as a dangerous addiction.
Smoking is probably the most prevalent addiction. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health and that its highly addictive. Prevalence is high. However, smoking is comparatively harmless. You will most likely die from it, although that death is far away. It will shave off years from your life. You also smell, and are hopelessly addicted to it—well not hopelessly, nothing’s hopeless, but you understand. All this makes it not very likely that you’ll get sucked into smoking. You know its bad. If you smoke, you knowingly damage your body.
Pornography/Masturbation is not very prevalent. Most people regard it as harmless, or a rite of passage, or a guy thing. Society in general thinks it perfectly harmless. They are very wrong though! Despite the low prevalence, damage is very high. It ruins your actual sexual experiences, it demeans the value you place on whatever gender you may be looking at, it perverts the mind, and most importantly it breaks up families. This makes it very dangerous. You are very likely to get roped into pornography/masturbation, thinking it harmless, and hardcore mess up your life. I’m sure many people reading this have this challenge.
The addiction I really want to talk about is gaming.
Prevalence is at an all-time low for this addiction. Everybody LOVES video games. Most people, especially boys, play them, and have played them since they were children. Almost everybody regards video games as a form of harmless entertainment, that is potentially educational. The only warning comes from Nintendo which started having a warning against playing too hard, pushing the buttons too hard can hurt your thumbs and lead to some joint disease.
Damage levels are through the roof on gaming, though. Gaming is highly addictive for nearly everybody. It takes a good deal of self control to stop. Even then, you wish you were still playing them and you think about them in other environments until you return to the game. Games are a huge time-waster. A person can spend hours upon hours playing video games, often not eating, sleeping, getting a job, paying attention to family members, doing schoolwork, talking to girlfriends, or any friends, etc. In other words, gamers will play games and nothing else until they are done—but they are never done.
Not only do video games waste time, but the content is often questionable. Video games are violent, more than half the time, and are occasionally sexual in some form. Video games therefore demean the value of human life. Also, many video games interact with other “real” people. People build intense relationships with people they have never met in the real world. This makes actual real-life people mean less to them. Video games take emotions in these cases. Often a person’s highlight of the week comes from a video gaming, or other computer experience, as Elder Bednar mentioned.
Also, video games tend to give a more scientific, or formulaic worldview. If x, then y. I hear all the time from heavy gamers something like this: “I don’t understand. I did blank and so and so didn’t blank. I can’t figure it out.” In video games a certain something will happen that has a definite cause. Also, one can go back, respawn, or restart to the same environment as before. This is not real. If you mess up, things will change. You cannot go back to something and have it be the same. There are so many different and complex consequences and conditions related to cause and effect relationships. Many subtleties can change the outcome of an event. This truth is sometimes lost to heavy gamers, whose view of reality slowly but surely disintegrates.
Damage from video game addiction can include, but is not limited to, losing your girlfriend/wife, losing your job, falling behind in school, losing faith in humanity, having a cynical, or comedic view of death, or loss of human life, complacency regarding violent actions, or visuals like gore, blood, and physical mutilation as well as violence, formulaic views of the world, start-over attitudes, spiritual decline, and misplaced emotions—not to mention over a dozen people have died playing video games.
Because of all this, I can almost guarantee that whoever is reading this has not only played a video game before, but hasn’t been able to stop before, or has wasted countless hours on video games, or computer games. The difference? Even I have wasted a lot of time on video games. I have missed school papers, ignored social obligations, including a girlfriend, so that I can play more video games—and I’ve always thought video games were bad. It is almost 100% likely that you have been influenced by video games in your life, therefore danger for this addiction is the highest of any other addiction I can think of. People think they’re harmless, but they’re not.
That is why I was so glad to hear somebody important, unlike me, to say some of these things. Elder Bednar is truly inspired of the Lord. When it comes from him, it comes from God.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
--temptation, that is.
As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.
As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.
I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.
I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.
That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.
I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.
Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.
Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.
As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.
As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.
I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.
I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.
That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.
I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.
Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.
Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.
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