Sometimes I feel so dead inside, I can't feel any emotion at all. Sometimes I feel like that's a blessing. If I felt anything right now, it would be too much for me to handle. I just want to cry and keep crying. I feel like there is so much going on in my head, I can't think about it all the time. I feel so alone. Alone, not physically, but like...spiritually. And not with God, either. I can't explain. I feel lonely...romantically. There we go. I want nothing more than for someone who loves me to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. When I go to bed, I want her to be with me. When I come home, I want her to be there. When I get a paycheck, I want to buy groceries for us and not just for me. What's worse is that I know she's out there. It's so frustrating. I've gone through so much, and I want to talk to somebody I know is always going to be there, in a romantic way.
I feel like I had this person at one time. But she has changed so much. I left her at a vulnerable time and now she became somebody else--somebody that I'm not in love with. The person that I still love is just...gone forever. Maybe someone else will come along that I feel the same way about.
Maybe I'm just selfish. I want what I can't have, or won't have for a pretty long time.
Every time I talk to girl, I feel so...unworthy? I feel like there is no way any girl could seriously think about me as a romantic possibility. I'm so used to being "the friend" or even "the gay friend" to girls. I've been a boyfriend many times, but not for a long time, and only a couple times where it was serious. I really miss that.
I think what brought this on is a step I'm only just now discovering I'm at.
I'm ready to be touched again.
Ever since I acted out over a year ago, I haven't really allowed people to touch me. Well. a little. Here and there. Close friends. But I don't like long hugs like I used to. I don't do the arm-in-arm thing anymore. I mean, I used to be super touchy-feely with my friends, and with my...lovers? But since then, well for one, I haven't had any girlfriends since then. For two, I haven't had any guy friends since then until recently. But now, I think I'm over it and ready to let people back on...in...around. And now that I'm ready for it, I'm almost demanding it. I'm needing it. But there is nobody there to approach.
Ya know, I'm not even completely sure if this is why I feel so sad. Maybe I just wish for something more without knowing what that more is. I just need to get it out, or I will explode.
