Guilt (God) v. Shame (Satan)

from an attempted agnostic perspective

What is guilt? Furthermore, what is shame? What does God have to do with anything?

These questions are difficult, and the answers are based on belief, rather than on fact. Science is a very fickle thing. It changes radically and abruptly. We might cling onto an incorrect idea for centuries before science, which proved it in the first place, proves it wrong. Science is a great way to look at the dead things in the world. But faith is a great way to look at the living things in the world—how to interact with each other, with nature, and with God. Faith can change, too—inside ourselves—as we grow closer to the Truth. Science and faith both point towards truth and none of us can truly hope to get there. Faith is how we learn inside ourselves, whereas science is how we learn of things outside ourselves. Since guilt, shame and God are all inside us, let’s stick with that for this one blog post. I should furthermore point out that this post refers to my current understanding of the world, and is open to discussion. I will be declaring, as if fact, the things inside of myself.

There is a law inside all of us. God placed it there. Many call it “the light of Christ,” or more secularly, a “conscience.” It has nothing to do with the laws of the government. Right and wrong is different for everyone. The laws inside us change, are fluid, and are most apparent when we are close to Truth. Since all of us have the ability to choose, we can go against these laws. You might call that sinning. You might think that you’re only going against yourself, but remember: God put the laws there. You’re also going against him when you break your rules. Whether you’re aware of this connection or not, it doesn’t feel great when you break the rules—which brings us to the happy dialogue of guilt and shame.

Shame is one that everybody will recognize as I start talking about it. It often gets called guilt on accident. Shame makes you feel like you are a bad person. Shame is going to tell you that you’re not worth it. Shame will tell you to give up, or to change your rules because you’re not good enough. Shame comes from Satan. Shame makes us miserable. Shame, frankly, is not proactive, it is not positive, and it just sucks. It is gray ooze that can drown us.

Guilt, which I guess I should call “true guilt,” is a much more benign feeling. Guilt is actually quite simple. Guilt tells us that we shouldn’t have done what we just did. Guilt means we’re sorry for what we did. Guilt means we don’t want to do it again. Guilt is proactive. Guilt can make us want to make things right, to correct our wrongs—to change ourselves for the better. Guilt leads to action. Guilt is remorse.

It is this same remorse that will lead us back to God. Whether or not we acknowledge God, it feels bad when we make mistakes. He is there for us. Guilt will lead us to God, who will comfort us and help us through what we’re going through. He can help us correct our mistakes and stop making mistakes. This is repentance. When we come out on the other side, we emerge stronger and better than before. It is a refiner’s fire. We go through a burning and cooling process that makes us stronger. On the other side, we feel better and wiser than when we made the original mistake.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

A man, a plan, and no canal.

In the battle between human rights and capitalism, I'm on the side of human rights. 

Plain and simple, the purpose of government is to maintain a peaceful society. A libertarian might say that the government shouldn’t poke its head into anything unless it’s necessary. The problem is that everybody thinks that exact thing. The issue is we don't agree on what is necessary. To be completely honest, we all need the government. However cozy you think your life is, the government is what’s keeping it afloat.

Our nation has a very strong rule of law. That means that the laws in our country are obeyed and enforced. If somebody burgles my house, the police will try to nab the perpetrator and the courts will bring them justice. The legislators will write laws that can then be broken. Our nation also has a strong sense of freedom. If I want to do something, anything—I can do it. The balance of these two ideals can be summed up thusly: I can start a business (capitalism), and the government will make sure that I’m playing fair (human rights). The government needs to maintain the safety of the populace (human rights) while allowing as much free reign as possible for businesses (capitalism). Some meddling is necessary in order to keep us free from threats such as monopolies, counterfeiting, unsafe products, swindlers, and unsafe working environments.

When it comes to politics, the media (and politicians) stick to hot-button issues on the whole. These are questions in the running of our country that stir up emotions: birth control, taxes, wealth, unemployment, healthcare, terrorism, etc. These issues have to do with opinions as well as facts. The facts, by the by, are often blurred by statistics, which the average person is unlikely to interpret correctly. This means that each side can blur what actually happened to promote their cause. Take for example the following statements: “Nearly 3,000 people died in the terrorist attacks on 9/11. It truly is a sad day for our country.” On the other, hand: “Only 3,000 people died in the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Considering the population and the severity of the damage, it is a miracle that figure is so low.” Both of these statements use the same numbers, but you can see how we can be bamboozled by the way the numbers are presented. Politicians lean on the emotions of their followers rather than on the cold hard facts. In the same year as 9/11 there were 37,795 deaths related to police reported traffic accidents according to the NHTSA: more than ten times the deaths in the terrorist attacks. How many politicians used traffic safety as a platform in the coming elections?

The point is, we really paid for our emotions with 9/11. The war in Afghanistan and the war in Iraq were started based on national sentiment rather on actual need (and possibly on racism), even though Al-Qaeda is based and funded in Saudi Arabia. The thought of the United States going to war with Saudi Arabia is laughable, considering our dependence on Saudi oil, because of course, besides emotions, politcs is money. Politicians talk about money because they have money, and because we have money and we want more. We want our money protected. We don’t want to spend money (capitalism), but we still want stuff (human rights). This is never going to happen because it just doesn’t make sense. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Somebody is paying for food stamps (hint: it’s all of us).

Capitalism is always going to be at odds with human rights. Human rights cost money and very rarely give a return investment. Capitalism often skates over human rights for this very reason. The problem is that those with enough wealth to even think about running for president of this country are capitalists. These are men and women who got to where they are by preserving their own capitalist interests. I can only try to side with those with enough mercy and grace to also promote human rights. It’s a narrow balance. How do you preserve freedom for businesses as well as for individuals?

It may not even matter in today’s political atmosphere. A politician is going to say whatever it takes to get votes. The problem is that the nation on a whole has a very simple mindset. Individually we may have great ideas, but what is going to get votes is simple, psychologically important issues that affect all of us—instead of societally important issues.

It also may not matter because the president doesn't run this country—we do! If you think the 99% don’t have any control in this country, think again. I may not be in a big room full of legislators, but I know that I can write to Carol Shea-Porter (my house representative) and tell her what I think. But still, I’m not thinking big enough. The country does not reside in a single room, or in a single government entity. The government may be the binding force to the country, but it is not the steak and potatoes between two oceans. I am a part of this country and I’m going to do my part. Like Kennedy said: “It is not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!” Not for your government, but for your country. What does it matter who is leading us? We are ademocracy—ruled by the people! We rule ourselves. We have enough free reign to do what is necessary in order to bring about our desired ends.

It is up to ALL OF US to bring the economy back to where it needs to be. It’s going to take ALL OF US to promote education. ALL OF US need to be honest when it comes to welfare. We don’t need a government to tell us what to do—we just need the government to maintain what we have worked so hard to produce. So vote! Not just for the president, but for our actual lawmakers—the congressmen. Don't listen to a millionaire tell you what he'll try (And mostly likely fail at) doing. Tell them what we want! And they're more likely to make it happen.

Wham!-Bam

DISROBE!

I like my readers to be comfortable.

It sufficeth me to say that my relationship with Melanie was one long fiasco.

I'm still processing everything. It's a little premature to say anything about it other than it's over.

Of course, I moved back to New Hampshire, back in with my parents. Just being back in New Hampshire has done wonders for my morale. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything for myself--like I'm stuck. I felt that way before I was diagnosed with FM, I felt that way before I moved to Idaho, and I felt like that before I moved to Texas, and I felt like that up until now. Sometimes I need to remember who is in control.

see, Drive, by Incubus (the best song ever) is all about who is in control. Am I a slave to my addiction, or am I my own man, in control of my own fate? William Ernest Henley has the answer: "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

So, what did I do? I'm currently working quite a lot of hours at Eddie Bauer where I am valued for the excellent work I do. I'm living at home where my food and rent is free, and yet--I'm still not making enough to make ends meet. I felt helpless for a while, and then I decided to start a career...

...in the U.S. Navy.

I've thought about it before, but now it only makes sense. I've only just started the process, so I don't know many details. But yes. The Navy. I hope to get into the CTI position, which is cryptology. I am quite good with languages so I think that is the place for me. After 4-6 years, I may continue where I left off, or reserves, or continue with a military career. Who knows where I'll be by that time. I'll let future Gabriel figure that out.

My Life As a Sponge: A Literacy Autobiography

When I was a kid, both of my parents were high school teachers. I love them, and I thought that it was so cool that they were teachers. Over the years, they both got graduate degrees and changed careers. However, my parents affected my identity most as schoolteachers.

There has always been an academic feel about our home. My parents always, always read us books when we went to bed, just for fun, on long drives, when we were infants, when we were teenagers, and even now. Now we have a family Charles Dickens book club. Books were important to my family and they are important to me.

When I was 3 years old, my mom taught my older sister how to read while I was climbing the curtains behind the couch. I learned how to read and my sister did not. I figured out pretty quickly how useful reading could be. I started reading store signs and TV ads. I got so much more information just with those two things and I didn’t want to stop reading. I remember, when I was in pre-school, my teacher tested if I could read or not, which she had to do before I went to Kindergarten. She held up a note card with several different words on them. I didn’t want to go to Kindergarten because my sisters told me how awful it was (they were lying). In my 3-year-old head, if my teacher thought I couldn’t read, then I wouldn’t have to go to Kindergarten. So as she pointed to the word “bear,” I said “wolf.” Then when she pointed to “wolf,” I said “fox.” When she pointed to “fox,” I said “beer,” and so forth. I could read, but I was not very clever, and so went to Kindergarten.

From an early age, I started reading. I would read children’s encyclopedias long after my bedtime. My parents got them as a wedding present, and I loved them. There was one that was all about the Animal kingdom. In the back they had an index of all the animals they talked about, complete with illustrations and dimensions. I would take out the measuring tape to our living room just so I could see exactly how big these animals were. I read National Geographic magazines. We had a large collection of them. Up until the 80s, National Geographic was almost more like a travel magazine. I would read about all the exciting places around the world that they wrote about, and if I was too tired to read, I could just look at the pictures.

When I was in first grade, we moved to a different town. My new teacher literally thought I was mentally retarded because I was hyper, had a speech impediment and lied about everything. I even convinced her that I was from Japan for about two minutes. I wanted to read The Boxcart Mysteries. I’d already read a few and she had every single one! However, since I was “retarded” she had me reading Dick and Jane with the slow readers. This was especially frustrating because reading is what I really excelled at as a child. The other kids passed by me in math, arts and crafts, socializing, etc. Reading, though, was my own world. While other kids were still reading picture books, I was getting completely lost in novels. I was in a whole other world. Try getting lost in Dick and Jane. Mrs. Cardwell—for some reason I never liked her.

I don't think my parents liked her either. Most of the parents that teachers deal with aren't familiar with the way teachers work. Most of my teachers treated my parents this way. They also treated my parents like it was because of their bad parenting that I was such a "wild child," but I don't think anything is further from the truth. My parents raised us right. It's not their fault that I'm different from the other kids. My parents, in spite of their busy schedule made sure to spend lots of time with me. We shared a lot of good experiences.

My dad and I have a lot of things in common. One of these things is a desire for knowledge. Even when I was 3 and 4 years old, I wanted to learn as much as I could. In all reality, that is exactly who I am. I am a sponge. Just like a sponge soaks up water, I soak up as much information as I can, and I don’t let it go. Other people seem to learn things and then forget them later. I’ve never done that; I’ve never squeezed out the sponge. In second grade, we learned the countries of Africa as a class. Last year, I took an online quiz and I still knew all of them, except for Sierra Leone—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like information is my friend. When I forget information, it's like betraying that friend. Poor Sierra Leone.

Information, of course, is in books. Therefore, reading was the gateway for me to learn as much as possible, or to put it another way: the gateway to become who I am today. We had plenty of books at home: books about ducks, books about bats, books about Sweden, books about wars, books about Jesus Christ, books about science. Books were always my favorite gifts to get at Christmas (except maybe a certain train set).

Once I got into high school, the advantages and disadvantages of my sponge became apparent. The most valuable thing I had was the ability to learn. My peers, for the most part, seemed to struggle to learn the material and remembering it was even harder. I was different, and I was treated that way. A lot of my classmates ever since I started school resented the way I learned so easily and seemed to already know things. The teasing, name-calling and pranks were hard to bear. I felt really bitter about it for a long time, which made it even harder to fit in. But again, it has made me who I am. I was never in the “popular” crowd, but once I got to high school, I always had plenty of friends, which is probably because I’m funny.

Now that I’m an adult, I have no problem at all making friends. People like that I know a lot of things because it means I can relate to them. I can ask meaningful questions about people’s occupations, where they come from, what their degree involves, etc. because I already know about those things. It makes people feel like I know them when I know a lot about what they are involved in.

It's ironic, isn't it? The secret world of reading and information used to mark me as different and pushed me away from others. Now, though, that wealth of information is what connects me to others. I can be on the same plane as others. It's not just the facts anymore. The information in my head is a network that connects me to other people. I've reached the point where I've connected to enough characters in books, scientists in magazines, and politicians

Tax Return Drama

That's right. It's that magical time of year that the government gives you back some of the money that it took away last year. It's a beautiful time of year. What are you going to get with your return?

Let me tell all of you how my return is working out.

This year, I have the option to claim myself, or have my parents claim me. If I claim myself, I get $900 back on my return, and my parents get $340 back. If my parents claim me, I have to pay $400 and my parents get $3900 back. The agreement I had with my mother was that "If we end up making more from claiming you, we'll pay you the difference." When we ran these numbers today, my mother informed me that she meant the difference to my return. I thought she meant the difference to her return. Basically, because I'm not claiming myself, my parents are getting $3560 more and they are giving me $1300 of that, leaving them with $2260 more than they had before.

My problem with all of this is that my parents DON'T NEED MONEY. My mother clears 6 figures easily. My dad makes about 15% of that. Yes, they have lots of debts, they have helped me a lot in the last year. However, I NEED that help. Furthermore, I'm doing my BEST to live on my own. I'm not making enough money at my current job to fully support myself, so I found another job that starts in May. From the time that job starts until the end of time, I will be able to support myself without periodic help from my parents. I am barely scraping by. My income is barely enough to pay all my bills, not including food, which my parents pay most of--$200 a month.

What I want to propose to my parents is $1950 for each of us. With that money, I could pay my taxes, get a lap-top, and pay off two credit cards. That'll open up $50 a month for me and help me make more money. With a computer, I could do work for Cha Cha while I'm in Yellowstone. My parents can do the same thing for themselves without a tax return.

Even if we do this, my parents will get more than 5 times what they would get without me. I don't think that's unreasonable. What do you think?

Buddho-Christianity

Buddho-Christianity

My eyes have been opened. Now…don’t go crazy, but I think I may have recently been converted to Buddhism.

Here, let me explain.

We are all taught that all churches and religions have some truth in them. Most religions , in fact, have quite a lot of truth. However, what I’ve found in my few years of study, curiosity, and conversations with people of other religions is that the truths they share are truths that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints actively teaches. It’s like there are parts that have truth and are taught by our church, and the rest is false and is in contradiction or ambiguity with our church’s teachings. For example, there is no way to completely live the teachings of the Catholic church AND the Mormon church at the same time. I believe that Buddhism and Mormonism are completely compatible: that one can live completely by both at the same time. If I try to combine Buddhism and Mormonism: the only differences are regional traditions that have little to do with the religions. In general, for example, most Buddhists believe in reincarnation, and several Gods. However, these beliefs vary from place to place. Buddhists in Indonesia worship different idols than Buddhists in Nepal. Do Buddhists have to worship idols? Is that one of the tenets of their religion? No, it is not. Even the Buddha, himself, is just a man who achieved enlightenment, Nirvana. He taught others how they might try to achieve Nirvana themselves, which is simply a higher understanding and enlightenment concerning the connections between all living things. The belief in reincarnation is really the biggest lump in Buddho-Christian compatibility. This, however, is not an official Buddhist belief. The important thing to know and remember is that we are all connected. All things which are on earth were created in Heaven. This is a Christian concept that teaches the same lesson.

I challenge you to go through and look at Buddhist beliefs and tell me if you catch anything that is in direct conflict with the teachings of the church.

The thing is, the two religions cover completely different aspects of life. I thought that Buddhism was very much like ancient mythology like the Egyptians and the Greeks who basically invented several gods and goddesses to explain what was going on in the world around them. Some people expand that into Christian Monotheism, but we who practice know it is much more than just a way to explain things I don’t understand. However, the things Buddhism helps us understand have little to do with the natural world, and more to do with suffering and inner turmoil. Buddhism is about the quest to find peace through understanding the connections among all living things. It has nothing to do with worshipping deity, sins, or ordinances. It has to do with wisdom. Christianity is all about deity, and sins. Christianity deals with the cycles of faith (worshipping deity), repentance (after sinning), baptism by immersion, and the laying on of hands for the Gift of the Holy Ghost (ordinances). What Christianity does not deal with is suffering. This has always been a vague concept with Christianity. The general idea is that this life is a test, more or less, and we need to choose right from wrong. God tests us, and Satan tempts us with challenges, trials, and suffering.

Take, for example, the movie, The Invention of Lying. The main character “invents” the basic ideals of Christianity with his new ability to lie. A cynic, atheist, or general audience member might think that this is trying to say that all religion is hooey invented to make us feel better about life. I think, however, that the message is about truth; truth always comes out, and it is beautiful. A world where only things that are provable exist is a terrible (and comedic) place to live.

At any rate, suffering may indeed be a refiner’s fire that God puts us through to make us better people, and so we can experience all that a mortal life has to offer. However, it is extremely difficult to simply have the force of will to give our lives to Christ, to place our burdens upon him.

I think that one way he helps us in this process is with Buddhism. That’s right, Buddhism. It’s all about getting over our selfish desires for comfort, happiness, or whatever else, and giving them up to a higher power—which in our case is Christ. Once we have learned to let go of these bad desires, we achieve Nirvana, a kind of peace and enlightenment. This peace and enlightenment is, I assure you, the same peace and enlightenment we get from Christ’s love.

I have no idea if I articulated this well at all, but there it is. Buddhism and Christianity don’t clash like most religion match-ups would, but they complement each other.

Let me know your thoughts about this! PLEASE do research before you comment or judge.

What Men Want

What Men Want
Men, it is generally agreed, are simpler creatures than women. This generally comes from men’s desire to understand things, as opposed to women who are more comfortable than men about not fully understanding the opposite sex. However—I believe that Satan is taking everything that men want and perverting it in two levels. One, is society’s representation of that instinctual desire, and two is a simulation of that desire that is almost always damaging and uses electronic devices to provide that.

The examples I am about to go are in random order, except that they are probably more or less in the order that they were presented to me in, by my friend, Russ, in a lesson.

The first attraction is to power and performance. One might say that this attraction is what drives men to accomplish great things. We are always trying to push the limits on what is possible. This attraction has been with us forever—and for good reason. In order to survive in the wilderness, we need to have the most powerful weapons, and perform with them with precision and accuracy using our own strength, power, and performance. One modern societal manifestation of this attraction is cars. Almost all guys like cars. We like fast cars, powerful cars, cars that turn on a dime, etc. We are all attracted to the power and performance. One way that this attraction is simulated—and probably in the most healthy way of all the simulations—is with computers. It is comparing hardware or software: RAM, fast applications, special commands, control, etc. This is barely a simulation as another societal manifestation of the attraction. In fact, it would be quite a healthy outlet into this desire, as long as it does not turn into an obsession, as it so often does.

The second attraction is to male companionship. In stone-age times, this was quite necessary. It is, of course, much more difficult to hunt on your own than it is with a group of men. It might be easy enough to imagine stalking and killing a deer on your own, but bringing it to camp? All the time alone is also not good. A hunting trip could potentially take weeks. That is why we have “pals.” It’s not just enough to tolerate having other men with you; we have to instinctually like it. In modern society, however, homophobia runs rampant. Most straight men in Western society have inhibitions when it comes to revealing feelings to other men, or showing a need for companionship. Thus comes one of the most common societal manifestations of this desire: “booze.” Alcohol’s first job is to take away our sense of judgment, and therefore breaking down the walls that we’ve put up against our fellow men so that we can share our feelings—and embarrass ourselves. Only a fool or an alcoholic will tell you that alcohol is completely harmless. Many lives, families, homes, reputations and barstools have been destroyed by the influence of alcohol. It is already not the healthiest manifestation of the desire for companionship, but the simulation is steadily growing in damage: video games. When I was in high school—which wasn’t too long ago—there was a huge group of friends I had with whom video gaming was the only source of “real” socialization. The only time I have interacted with many of these friends was by playing video games with them. Sure, I might know that they prefer the energy sword over a gun, or have a favorite level on Zelda, but I did not get to really know these people, and in reality, neither did they.

The third attraction is to war. This has a very real stone-age manifestation. Ten thousand years ago, there were all sorts of wild animals and savage neighboring clans to deal with, and protection was a very real necessity. We created spears, bows, arrows, catapults, tomahawks, rockets, cannons, and today’s chief societal manifestation: guns. Other common societal manifestations include martial arts, boxing, all sports, and the spirit of competition. Most of these manifestations, if not all, are pretty healthy. However, the simulations are usually not so healthy. Violence in electronic media is desensitizing our society to the realities of death. If you mention the phrase “raping and pillaging” to a group of middle school boys, they will laugh. If you mention that phrase to a group of Dark Age Scotsmen, I doubt they would have the same response.

The final attraction is the most serious for a few reasons. For one, God gave us this attraction for the most sacred reason. For two, it is perverted more than any of the others by Satan. This, of course, is sexual desire. These feelings are extremely powerful. God gave them to us for a beautiful purpose. The societal manifestation of this has always been sex with women. Common societal perversions include pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, sodomy, and the big catalyst for all of these perversions and more: pornography. Pornography is, of course, most accessible on the computer. It is the biggest web industry. Most sex offenders will tell you that they began with an addiction to pornography. This is the grossest of Satan’s attempts to pervert men’s natural attractions. It is a disease that runs rampant in our society today. It is the most serious temptation we are given in these latter-days.
Thus we see that all of these instinctual attractions can be twisted and perverted electronically into some fake simulation that too many of us men are substituting for the real deal. I want to see my friends in real life, not in a video game. I want to protect my family, not pretend I’m in a war on my computer. I want a fast car…AND a fast computer. I want to have sex with my wife, not watch some strangers re-create the experience for me.

With that, I’m out.

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget.
I forget who I am and I fall into ennui and darkness.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget that I have no power.
All the power is with God.
Everything that I do.
Everything that I see, hear, touch, taste--even think is a blessing from God.
He created my tongue, my hand, my eyes, my ears!
Why?
Because he wants me to remember him.
In this effort, I fail.
His brilliance, His glory is too magnificent for men.
We cannot look upon Him in our normal bodies.
What is the glory of God?
His work is all of us: to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!
His fire, His majesty, all is for mankind.
I need to remember Him--in everything.
I forget Him--almost every day.
Does He forget me?
I tell you now and forever, the answer is no!
In spite of my sins, in spite of my pride, even though I dance with the devil, giving him all control over me, the God who created me remembers me.
More importantly, He loves me without condition.
I love Him too, but I am not perfect.
I am lost.
The devil found me and he is cruel.
It is easy to escape:
If you open your heart to God,
His fire burns bright for us and He will guide us back to Him.
He is magnificent.
He is light, and truth.
Amen.

Sadness. Loneliness

Sometimes I feel so dead inside, I can't feel any emotion at all. Sometimes I feel like that's a blessing. If I felt anything right now, it would be too much for me to handle. I just want to cry and keep crying. I feel like there is so much going on in my head, I can't think about it all the time. I feel so alone. Alone, not physically, but like...spiritually. And not with God, either. I can't explain. I feel lonely...romantically. There we go. I want nothing more than for someone who loves me to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. When I go to bed, I want her to be with me. When I come home, I want her to be there. When I get a paycheck, I want to buy groceries for us and not just for me. What's worse is that I know she's out there. It's so frustrating. I've gone through so much, and I want to talk to somebody I know is always going to be there, in a romantic way.

I feel like I had this person at one time. But she has changed so much. I left her at a vulnerable time and now she became somebody else--somebody that I'm not in love with. The person that I still love is just...gone forever. Maybe someone else will come along that I feel the same way about.

Maybe I'm just selfish. I want what I can't have, or won't have for a pretty long time.

Every time I talk to girl, I feel so...unworthy? I feel like there is no way any girl could seriously think about me as a romantic possibility. I'm so used to being "the friend" or even "the gay friend" to girls. I've been a boyfriend many times, but not for a long time, and only a couple times where it was serious. I really miss that.

I think what brought this on is a step I'm only just now discovering I'm at.

I'm ready to be touched again.

Ever since I acted out over a year ago, I haven't really allowed people to touch me. Well. a little. Here and there. Close friends. But I don't like long hugs like I used to. I don't do the arm-in-arm thing anymore. I mean, I used to be super touchy-feely with my friends, and with my...lovers? But since then, well for one, I haven't had any girlfriends since then. For two, I haven't had any guy friends since then until recently. But now, I think I'm over it and ready to let people back on...in...around. And now that I'm ready for it, I'm almost demanding it. I'm needing it. But there is nobody there to approach.

Ya know, I'm not even completely sure if this is why I feel so sad. Maybe I just wish for something more without knowing what that more is. I just need to get it out, or I will explode.

Relationships: People You Know

This is part of a series I am trying to do in order to establish a social protocol. There has already been an earlier entry a couple of posts ago. Feel free to comment and discuss any disagreements or suggestions.

Relationships: People You Know

Teacher at School:

This person is a professional. They know more than you do. They challenge your mind and test your knowledge and, overall, have your best interests at heart. They more than likely are doing what they are doing because they strongly believe in helping you reach your potential. Because of this, respect them. They work more than you know with more care and concern than you are aware, so PLEASE follow these simple guidelines so they don’t go insane. Do what they tell you. TRY on your homework, which you should do. NEVER demean them, talk down to them, or argue with them about something unrelated to your education. They more than likely have different opinions than you, but you should still respect what they have to say in regard to what they’re teaching. You are around this person quite a bit and may possibly become friends. However, it is inappropriate in 99.998% of situations to romantically engage a schoolteacher at any level. As friends, remember that teachers are very busy and often have hundreds of students and may not return your friendship on the same level. In this relationship, the teacher affects each one of the students equally. If the unit of effect is 1 for each student, it is also 1 for the teacher. The entire class affects the teacher as much as the teacher affects each individual. Platonic love may be present in this relationship.

Religion Teacher:

You are more than likely closer with your Sunday School teacher than your secular school teacher. The subject matter is much more personal and real. Therefore, you may become very close with your religion teacher. Also, your religion teacher is more likely to be closer to your age. In church the teaching is done by all, and the teacher is more of a leader. Thusly everyone benefits 1 from each other. The teacher is merely a guide for the discussion. Discussion should be filled with love and wisdom and should not consist of backbiting, gossip, or harmful remarks. Respect everyone in the class and what they have to say. Do not interrupt. Never discuss politics in church. Come to class prepared, having read the material to be discussed in class.

The Unfriendly Co-worker:

We spend lots of time at work, and often with the same people. Over time, you can develop a special relationship with your co-workers. If nothing blocks that relationship, you will more than likely become good friends with your co-workers. Every so often, however, co-workers might not like each other. This creates a very awkward situation. Assuming you are not this type of co-worker (you should always try to be friendly with co-workers) certain behavior is unacceptable. You should never encourage someone at work to be unfriendly. This includes, but is not limited to, spreading gossip, being unfriendly yourself, mocking, discriminating, persecuting, categorizing co-workers as enemies in some work-related competition—organized, or otherwise—and leaving co-workers out. Once a co-worker has become unfriendly to you, do not reciprocate. Maintain friendliness despite everything. You should be working on regaining friendly relations with this person. How you do that is up to you. Remember that attitude is everything! “Killing them with kindness” is an unacceptable attitude. You are being nice, only so they feel uncomfortable with their feelings. You can still be nice, but be sincere.

The Boss:

It is in your best interest to become friends with this particular co-worker. Your continued employment with this company, as well as your raises, position, and comfort count on positive relations with this person. These relations are based on your performance, as well as friendliness. You need to do what your boss tells you to within reason. It is unacceptable for a boss to ask of you something against company policy, the law, or ethics. This type of behavior must be reported to a higher authority. If your boss is treating you a certain way, they are more than likely treating other employees the same way. It is your responsibility to keep your boss in line as far as unacceptable behavior is concerned. The boss most likely doesn’t show their faults to their superiors. Reporting improper behavior is the employees responsibility. Hopefully this never happens. With minor incidents, the employee should talk to the boss directly. Only major issues should be discussed with upper management. You can still be friends with your boss, but remember: a boss is a boss first, and a friend second. Their evaluation of your performance should not be based on your friendship, but on your performance. Any negative comments should not be personal, but professional. They are a person, too.

Non-Friend Fellow Church-goers:

Always maintain friendly connections with all fellow church-goers no matter what. New members need friends and positive reinforcement. For many people, religion is a complicated subject and you should never do anything that might create a negative experience for someone at church. Also, someone’s relationship with God is their own business, and not yours. Do not pry into their past, or their struggles. Do not create a clique in your church circles. Always try to invite new people. Remember, we are all striving toward the same goal, otherwise we wouldn’t be there.

Your Friend/Brother/Sister/Roommate’s Girlfriend/Boyfriend:

PLAY NICE! Who somebody likes, or is attracted to, can be personal. Several complicated situations could arise. If you like the person they are dating, back off. They’re dating them now. You should not be trying to break them apart so you can have a chance. You should not consider it a betrayal, especially if they didn’t know you liked them before. You are most likely closer to the friend/brother/sister/roommate than you are to the girlfriend/boyfriend. Remain cordial relations with the gf/bf. You should also understand that some people are off limits. If a friend/brother/sister/roommate dates someone you have already dated without your blessing, your friendship should be called into question. This is definitely an off-limits relationship. You need to let your friend know. Never confront your friend about a “poor choice” significant other. Let them see it through. You do need to confront if the relationship becomes damaging to either one. In the meantime, play nice, and go forward.

The Annoying Boy/Girl From Class That Thinks You Two Are Friends, But You’re Really Not:

This is awkward. Let them know that you’re not really friends. It is tough, and seems rude, but if you just don’t want to be friends let them know. Try not to let a relationship develop if you are not sincere. This can cause a broken heart when they find out you’re not really friends. If your other friends are sincerely friends with this person, then try to become friends with them. Do not ignore them, put them down, be rude to them, shame them, mock them, or talk about them behind their back. Such behavior is immature and unacceptable.

Long, random, meaningful, and overdue

I wrote this letter to an old friend while he was on his mission, but did not have the courage to send it. Besides, the government of the country he was in...not to be trusted. He might not have ever gotten the letter anyway.

well, here goes. We'll call him Brandon to protect his identity.

Brandon!

I know I said that I would write to you when you left, but it is only with thoughts of your return that I'm actually doing it. If you didn't notice, you got to witness my favorite pen die. Lame.

Anyway, I had a great year at BYU-Idaho. I absolutely loved it! I met so many friends there. I had both the happiest and saddest moments there, the latter of which has caused me to never be able to go back. I wish I could return, but I have chosen to reflect on how wonderful it was, instead of how wonderful it could have been. I imagine you had more joys from Rexburg than I did.

I guess now would be a good time to have a point to this letter. I just want to say how grateful I am to have met you. Your arm of friendship meant more to me than any other friendship before or since. This is not because it was all that close of a friendship, or because we shared so many great times, but because of the effect ift had on my testimony.

When we became friends I was not living my life the way I ought to. I didn't know it at the time, but my life was being overrun by Satan. I had not, as yet, considered whether or not the church was true. Yet, as we became friends I knew what you and [Tyler, let's say] might think about the things that I was doing. It was not a big step from "What do my friends think about what I'm doing?" to "What does my Father in Heaven think about what I'm doing?"

Soon after that I started changing my life around. It all started one day when you just started being my friend.

I would have liked to leave on my mission before you got back from [a South American country] but I'm afraid that is far from the truth. I was scheduling to write a letter to the 1st Presidency sometime this Fall, after which I might appeal to go on a mission, and might have been able to leave as early as March 2010! Unfortunately, I messed up big time after my second semester in Idaho. Now my only chance would be writing a similar letter of appeal in several YEARS and even then with a much less chance of being able to go.

How easily the hearts of men are provoked by Satan!

Over the years, I have gotten proficient at determining a positive attitude, and choosing not to get offended. So I will go forward, chin high, and take whatever life offers me. As Nephi, I will rejoice in God's glory instead of wallowing in my agony.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, but since you left, I have discovered something about myself: I am attracted to men. Last Summer, when I could finally admit to myself this truth, I was met with some measure of peace. When I discovered the church's view on it, I was met with even more peace. The attractions themselves are not a sin, but acting on them is. I was overjoyed! Not only this, but I was introduced to an online network called "Northstar!" There there were many dozens of other guys also struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) who want to stay faithful in the church. More peace. Then, I met several other guys who struggled with SSA in Rexburg and Idaho Falls. In that support group I met some of the best friends ever. More peace.

Anyway, because of you, I will never be able to live my life the way man would tell me to and appease that side of me, but because of you, I have also found more peace and joy through righteous living more than I could any other way.

For these reasons, I consider the friendship we had some years ago the most important one in my life. I would never be able to thank you enough for that simple act of friendship nearly 5 years ago. The road is long and hard, but through the Lord, I will prevail!

Still your friend,

A Lesson I Learned From Franz Schubert

As many of you probably know, Franz Schubert was a pretty prolific composer of classical music. He created an amazing body of work including 9 symphonies, and several piano solos and compositions. He is now considered one of the best musical minds of his era. Schubert died from Typhoid at the age of 31.

31!

I can't even imagine! It wasn't until that last year that Schubert was even recognized as being the master that he was. His life was cut in half by an unexpected disease, but look at the legacy he left behind! In only 31 years Schubert brought some of the best music the world has known.

And then, being who I am, I thought of myself. If my life got cut short at the age of 31 what kind of legacy would I leave? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. We can't all be Schuberts and Van Goghs, but we can create a legacy of our own. When do you think Schubert started creating his? I'd say since childhood. He took professional lessons from an early age and he worked his whole life to become who he is now. What the Hell have I done to become who I will become? Not a single thing! I don't want to start my life at 25, I want to start my life now! What if I leave this life unexpectedly? I will not leave with peace! I would leave with shame!

Well, surely, something must be done! I need to move things along!
So I want to move back to Idaho. There is nothing for me here. I have wasted away here since I acted out and I have made little progress. I have sat here, stagnant. A failure left to suck on the prodigal teet of parenthood. I am here as a crutch. Well, I'm not broken. I'm in perfect health. I just feel sorry for myself. I am not proactive. I am not active. I have no motivation or self-confidence to talk to a stranger. To stick up for myself. To make new friends. To ask somebody out on a date. To LIVE!!

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." ---Thoreau

And so, to suck out the very marrow of life, what am I to do? Get one! I need to

A- live in a city
B- have male role models around me with the same standards I do
C- a singles ward
D- possibly, a support group for people like me consisting of my very best friends?

These things all lead me to Idaho Falls. I want to live! I want to get my self-confidence back. I want to overcome my addictions and have friends. I want romance!

I realize that moving to IF isn't going to solve all my problems. I need more than just a new atmosphere, I need a new attitude. I need to convince myself that I need to take action if I want to be a worthy member of the church, which I do.

So here's the plan. I need to leave New Hampshire with firm footing or I will fall. If I can go without my addictions for a solid month before January, then I will leave. And never come back to stay.

Is that motivation enough? It better be. Hard work is difficult. What was I supposed to expect? A Twinkie? I think not. Life is not a Twinkie, It's 50-lb. bags of whole grain wheat, sugar, and a cow. You need to make the Twinkie yourself.

Relationships: People You Don't Know

The Complete Stranger:

Unless you plan on getting to know them better, do not acknowledge this person. Do not allow this person to acknowledge you without further questioning. They could be a total creep! Them acknowledging your existence could be a way to let their gang buddies know who their gonna target. You have no idea.

The Customer/Employee:

These people are still strangers, although you have an obligation to talk to them in order to get what you want/give them what they want. You do not know this person and may very well never see them again, but they are still people. Never treat them with disrespect, or rudeness. Conversation should always be extremely polite and should include "sir" or "ma'am." Customers' children are also people. Do not ignore them. You, as a customer, are not responsible for treating the employees how you feel you're being treated, in correlation with how good of a job you think they're doing, with enough anger/exasperation to get around the rules to get what you want, or with a condescending attitude.

The Casual Acquaintance:

This is the person who's face you have seen before. You may say hello in the hallway, although you are not required to. You might say "How you doin'?" You don't care about the answer, but it's the lack of thought that counts. At least you asked. You don't just go up to them and laugh at them, or ignore them, or tell other people rumors about them. You might not have any relationship with this person, but what you say can make a difference on how they view themselves. You, as mostly an outsider but not total stranger, act as a valid third party. If you approve of them, and make that evident, they will improve their self-image. Never talk them down.

The Not-So-Casual Acquaintance:

This is the person who you ran into like a brick wall on the subway. You exchanged "Sorry"s and "Excuse Me"s and had a brief laugh over the encounter. This is the person who you seem to always be next to in line at the store. This is the person you got in a car accident with, etc. You share a special connection, but have not been formally introduced, or if you have, you do not see them on a regular basis. You are allowed to touch this person via handshake, or hand to shoulder touch lasting no longer than 5 seconds. Word exchanges such as "Next time, you better watch your step," or "Klutz," or "Hey, watch it," or anything else that indicates fault are not appropriate. In the case of a car accident where fault needs to be discussed, hold temper down and if an agreement cannot be made in 5 minutes, let the insurance companies deal with it. Comments such as "Nice," or "That's cute. That's adorable," or "Well that's great," should be spoken with mild interest, NOT WITH SARCASM. You are being sarcastic, but you do not want to have blame laid down by subtext. Words like "Oh, sorry," or "Oops," or "Hey, I see you here a lot," are satisfactory. Depending on how often you see this person, you may move it up to the next level.

The Friend of a Friend:

You have been formally introduced, but have only seen one another a couple times at a party or something. You share a mutual friend, so supposedly you have something in common with them besides the friend. If put in an awkward situation where the two of you are left alone, small talk must be used. Hopefully the awkward situation can be transformed into the beginnings of a friendship, thereby bringing you, them, and the friend closer together. When you see each other in the hallway you are REQUIRED to acknowledge their presence.



Next Week: Relationships: People You Do Know

Pride? Again?

I guess this means I'm back to square one.

When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."

Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.

But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?

I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."

I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?

As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.

I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.

So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.

But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.

Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.

Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.


good freakin' night.

Video Games and the Internet

Video Games and the Internet

I loved Elder Bednar’s fireside for two reasons: one, he said a lot of things that I’ve been saying for a while, especially in the last few weeks, and two, he also said several things that I NEEDED to hear.

First off: video games = evil.

If one could compare the societal prevalence of an addiction—that is to say how much society thinks of it as a damaging addiction—with the damage of an addiction, you get an interesting correlation. It seems that some of the least damaging addictions are widely known to be damaging in the first place, whereas more damaging addictions, tend to be less known as damaging addictions.

I’ll need examples to explain. WARNING—in this essay I’m using the word “prevalence” to mean that society in general regards a particular addiction as a dangerous addiction.

Smoking is probably the most prevalent addiction. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health and that its highly addictive. Prevalence is high. However, smoking is comparatively harmless. You will most likely die from it, although that death is far away. It will shave off years from your life. You also smell, and are hopelessly addicted to it—well not hopelessly, nothing’s hopeless, but you understand. All this makes it not very likely that you’ll get sucked into smoking. You know its bad. If you smoke, you knowingly damage your body.

Pornography/Masturbation is not very prevalent. Most people regard it as harmless, or a rite of passage, or a guy thing. Society in general thinks it perfectly harmless. They are very wrong though! Despite the low prevalence, damage is very high. It ruins your actual sexual experiences, it demeans the value you place on whatever gender you may be looking at, it perverts the mind, and most importantly it breaks up families. This makes it very dangerous. You are very likely to get roped into pornography/masturbation, thinking it harmless, and hardcore mess up your life. I’m sure many people reading this have this challenge.

The addiction I really want to talk about is gaming.

Prevalence is at an all-time low for this addiction. Everybody LOVES video games. Most people, especially boys, play them, and have played them since they were children. Almost everybody regards video games as a form of harmless entertainment, that is potentially educational. The only warning comes from Nintendo which started having a warning against playing too hard, pushing the buttons too hard can hurt your thumbs and lead to some joint disease.

Damage levels are through the roof on gaming, though. Gaming is highly addictive for nearly everybody. It takes a good deal of self control to stop. Even then, you wish you were still playing them and you think about them in other environments until you return to the game. Games are a huge time-waster. A person can spend hours upon hours playing video games, often not eating, sleeping, getting a job, paying attention to family members, doing schoolwork, talking to girlfriends, or any friends, etc. In other words, gamers will play games and nothing else until they are done—but they are never done.

Not only do video games waste time, but the content is often questionable. Video games are violent, more than half the time, and are occasionally sexual in some form. Video games therefore demean the value of human life. Also, many video games interact with other “real” people. People build intense relationships with people they have never met in the real world. This makes actual real-life people mean less to them. Video games take emotions in these cases. Often a person’s highlight of the week comes from a video gaming, or other computer experience, as Elder Bednar mentioned.

Also, video games tend to give a more scientific, or formulaic worldview. If x, then y. I hear all the time from heavy gamers something like this: “I don’t understand. I did blank and so and so didn’t blank. I can’t figure it out.” In video games a certain something will happen that has a definite cause. Also, one can go back, respawn, or restart to the same environment as before. This is not real. If you mess up, things will change. You cannot go back to something and have it be the same. There are so many different and complex consequences and conditions related to cause and effect relationships. Many subtleties can change the outcome of an event. This truth is sometimes lost to heavy gamers, whose view of reality slowly but surely disintegrates.

Damage from video game addiction can include, but is not limited to, losing your girlfriend/wife, losing your job, falling behind in school, losing faith in humanity, having a cynical, or comedic view of death, or loss of human life, complacency regarding violent actions, or visuals like gore, blood, and physical mutilation as well as violence, formulaic views of the world, start-over attitudes, spiritual decline, and misplaced emotions—not to mention over a dozen people have died playing video games.

Because of all this, I can almost guarantee that whoever is reading this has not only played a video game before, but hasn’t been able to stop before, or has wasted countless hours on video games, or computer games. The difference? Even I have wasted a lot of time on video games. I have missed school papers, ignored social obligations, including a girlfriend, so that I can play more video games—and I’ve always thought video games were bad. It is almost 100% likely that you have been influenced by video games in your life, therefore danger for this addiction is the highest of any other addiction I can think of. People think they’re harmless, but they’re not.

That is why I was so glad to hear somebody important, unlike me, to say some of these things. Elder Bednar is truly inspired of the Lord. When it comes from him, it comes from God.

She Came in Through the Bathroom Window

--temptation, that is.

As I looked at the various buildings around campus, I realized how many people I didn't have time to say goodbye to. I also realized this: Rexburg has invariably become my home.

As I left my apartment, I was surprised at how easy it was to carry all my things. It was much colder than I expected as I walked the 2 or so blocks to the bus stop. I could see frost on the windows of every car as I walked by them in my shorts and T-Shirt.

I wished that I could be anywhere else—in any other situation than the one I was in. Going to the bus stop wasn’t a walk of grief, perhaps for some family emergency. It wasn’t a walk of pleasure, perhaps for vacation. No, this was a walk of shame, failure. A walk of guilt. I turned my back on everything Rexburg had to offer with that fateful decision only two nights before.

I knew I had messed up worse than ever before this time. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. First, I talked to one of my sisters. Then I talked to a good friend who suggested that I talk to my stake president. I emailed my stake president who promptly emailed me back saying I could meet with him. That’s when I found out I’d have to leave—soon. Suddenly things started happening so fast. Before I had time to process, I was talking bus tickets, plane tickets, boxes, the DI, packing…etc.

That is why I was walking to the bus stop at 1:45 am. I’d spent the last few hours saying my goodbyes. When it was too late, I tried to finish my library book—80 pages left in a Michael Crichton thriller. One of many things I never got to finish in Rexburg.

I arrived at the bus stop at 1:48. 12 minutes until the bus arrived. There were two others there waiting—deathly quiet, and cold. We just sat there in the cold. The constant sniffling from the chill helped to cover the tears I knew would come. I had way more stuff than the others. It was clear that I was leaving for good, and not just the weekend, like they were. I took in the early morning. It was so quiet. So peaceful. The cold air made us hyper-alert. Every detail was almost new to me. Memories flooded in, ripe with emotion. Old friends, new friends, random conversations. The most poignant emotion was familiarity. I knew this place—my home. I got myself so abruptly ejected from the best place I had ever known.

Finally the bus came. We loaded our stuff in and got going. As soon as the lights were off, the tears came. Slowly at first, then it became difficult to breathe. We pulled into the other Rexburg stop after just half a minute. I had to dry my tears quickly. I figured if anybody asked me what was wrong, I’d tell them I was going to a funeral, only nobody had physically died, I was grieving my spiritual death.

Its so weird to think that 7 months ago I went to the temple twice and had my most spiritual experience there. As I looked back at it a thought came to me: I’ll go back again someday. The atonement is very powerful. I can get over this. The atonement can help us get over anything, sin or otherwise. It might be a while, but it is very possible. I will go into the Rexburg temple again. Then, I leaned back and found sleep.

lovely survey--i have opinions and these are them

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey? Sure.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legal? No. Drugs = addiction.

[03] Abortion: for or against it ? I think abortion is wrong unless the mother or child are going to die if it is kept. Mental illness pregnant people…idk about that one. Rape---abortion is bad. Think of how pumped you’d be if you found out your mom still had you even though she was raped. It totally sucks, and if you need to you should give it up for adoption, but in general abortion = murder. BUT BUT BUT, I don’t think abortion should be illegal. Facing facts, a lot of people don’t feel the same way i do. Abortion happens—whether its illegal or not. If abortion were illegal then people would go to unsafe, unregulated means that are WAY more dangerous.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female US president? Basically. I know that sounds really sexist….and it is, lol. I tend not to trust females in leadership positions.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty? Yeah. I figure if we don’t know what do with them, God can figure it out up there.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? I think so. I mean, I bet we’d do less drugs if it were legal, you know ? People would be more responsible about it if it were legal.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex ? Against. Sexual desire is a Godgiven trait that is made to be expressed between a man and a woman in marriage.

[08] Do you believe in God ? I sure do…I’ve mentioned Him a few times already.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized ? Okay, here goes. I’m all for gay rights. I think that it is terrible when people discriminate because of a person’s lifestyle. So what if they’re gay ? They are still children of God ! Gayness does not = bad people. Gayness doesn’t equal anything besides homosexual attraction. Go ahead and live your life the way that you want…but don’t call it marriage. Marriage is a divine institution started by God when he put Adam and Eve together. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the intention of having a family. I also believe that gay couples should not adopt. Children need both a male and female role model. There are some things that women are better at with kids, and some things that men are better at with kids.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many immigrants are moving into the country ? Immigrants are fun. Immigrants are responsible for a huge part of American culture. But for crying out loud, can you learn English ? If you want to come to my country there are a few things that you need to do for me to like you :
A) learn the language. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but most people speak English round these parts. I’m not asking for you to be proficiently amazing, but at least try to speak the freakin’ language.
B) Respect my religion. I know that I’m Christian. I don’t care what you are, but don’t ask for God to be taken away from the pledge or the nickels, don’t get all offended when everybody celebrates Christmas instead of Chanukkah or Ramadan. (I know I spelled Hannukah wrong. I’m not Jewish, sorry !) Channukah ? oh well.
C) Don’t force your culture on me. I should not be required to learn spanish for you and me to become friends. I like Cinco de Mayo, but I don’t have to celebrate it at school.
…and then we can be friends !

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it ? 12 = YOUNG ! WTF is a 12-y-old girl doing having sex in the first place ? Lame. Potential rape victim, I guess. That totally sucks. That is a stinky situation. I think adoption is the best way to go. Maybe if the girls mom wants to care for the grandbaby, that’s fine. I mean, a lot of moms are still having kids when their children are 12 anyway.

[12] Should the alcohol age be kept at 21? Haha, this is probably the one thing I agree with Becca on. Alcohol age could be 44 or 2 for all the difference it’ll do me. My granddad was an alcoholic and I do NOT want anything close to that near my home. Alcohol = NO. As for going to parties with alcohol there are 4 excellent reasons why you shouldn’t go. 1 : you’ll give the appearance that you are okay with it. …and I’m not. 2 : The severity with which you view the situation will diminish. If you go to parties with alcohol you could blow it off as laughing at your drunk friends, when once you felt that it was damaging to society.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off? Its kinda like when your room is so messy that you don’t know where to start cleaning it up so you never do so your mom eventually has to clean it up for you so you don’t get nasty diseases from mold spores…Iraq…was a mistake. I don’t know where to start cleaning it up, but the USA doesn’t have a mom so….F-.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? Um…I’ve been suicidal a lot in my past. Suicide is a bad thing and we should be trying to help in any way we can to prevent it. Assisted suicide is a terrible thing. I’ve thought about asking my friends to kill me and stuff and to think what would have happened if I had asked and they would have been like « okay, where’s the gun ? » I DONT THINK SO. Illegal YES.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children ? I think i should poke my children with a cattle prod because electric shock has proven to be the most effective stimulus in learning new behaviors with lab rats…yeah spanking is okay as long as you’re not psychotic.

[16] Would you burn your countries flag for a million dollars? As much as I like America, I am super-broke. Like superbad, only superbroke. I’d take the $.

[17] Who do you think would have made a better US president? McCain or Obama ? Obama. McCain seemed too complacent and jeez, America needs CHANGE.

[18] What is the biggest problem with society that needs to be dealt with? I think that people need to learn how to love, and to express that love. I think that if everyone recognized everyone else as sons and daughters of God instead of whatever group they are a part of. I hate it when someone starts out a sentence with « The gays » or « The mormons » or « Catholics » or « black people » or any other group. There are so many difference in each of these groups that it is impossible to say one thing about all of them, or even define who they are. Well, okay, black people is pretty cut and dry when it comes to are you or aren’t you, but every individual is just that—individual—and cannot be defined by sexual orientation, or religion, or race, or political views.

[19] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Come what judgments may. I know what I know. I’m just trying to figure stuff out. I’m not trying to tell someone how to think. I’m just telling people how I personally think. I know people think differently than I do and that’s okay. They’re still awesome.

New People

so Rexburg is ridiculously empty. Like...parking lots, buildings...everywhere is empty.

It totally sucks.

However, I've gotten to be good friends with people that I barely knew before. They are totally not my type--in a friend way--but that's really okay. They are quiet. They are gamers. They are not artsy at all--well one is. But I've spent most of my time with these two guys so far this vacation and I love it. We just chill. We'll all be doing different things, but we like to be around each other. Its so cool to just be one of the guys. I think I'll still be friends with them and stuff after the rest of humanity comes back to Rexxxburg.

I'll be honest, one of the guys is really cute. He's totally my type--as in the type of guy I'm attracted to. That's kinda weird, but besides his body, he's totally not attractive. He's super-quiet, which I just can't deal with. Its okay as a friend, but it helps control my man-hunger.

Today I was in the weirdest mood. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to sit. I had a song in my head, but besides that nothing was in my head, besides how obviously awkward I was making Cat, 'cause SHE was certainly in a talking mood. I didn't mean to shut her down, I just didn't have a lot to say. I loved it! I'm never like that. I always have to say something, but not today. I think I've learned this from my new friends. We don't talk about anything. It's not even a challenge. We just don't talk a whole lot. We don't talk about politics, philosophy, my gayness, which they don't know about, religion, or our pasts, or hometowns...we just do stuff together. It's so liberating. I hope I can translate this into my life outside of vacation. I want to be able to remain silent. I don't like interrupting people or constantly telling stories. I HATE IT. I'm always blurting out things in an attempt to remain relevant.

I decided a while ago that I say so much stuff so that people won't suspect that I have something to hide...like the fact that I'm gay. But, I'm more free with that now. Now that my family knows, I don't care who knows. If it comes up, I'll talk about it.

In the meantime, I hardcore NEED a job.

---GABE

ZUT!! Ma famille n'est pas parfaite!

ZUT! Ma Famille n’est pas parfaite!

Well…I need to talk.

I’m gay. I like boys. I really want to kiss boys. I want to cuddle with boys. Sometimes at night I just…I really want to have a man right there with me. I feel like there’s an empty place in my bed that should be filled…preferably with a man. The only thing that helps me sleep on these nights is remembering that Jesus loves me and that he can help me through things. Cuddling with a pillow doesn’t work…’cause I only have one pillow. Sad day.
Sometimes I feel so lonely. I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. I feel like my friends don’t like me, or that I hang out with them, not vice versa. For example, I go into my friends rooms to say hi. They go into each other’s rooms all the time. Only one of my friends ever comes in my room when I’m in here by myself and that is still a rare occasion. I’m rooming with one of my friends next semester. I don’t even know how that’s going to go. I think he’s tired of me, or that he doesn’t like me anymore. He himself has seemed a little out of sorts lately, but I don’t feel like he’d appreciate me coming in.
I especially feel lonely when it comes to my family. A month ago I came out to my two oldest sisters who live in Utah while I was down there for a fireside. Everything went fine, but those two sisters don’t really get along or see eye to eye. A week or two later, I came out to the rest of my siblings (one more sister and two brothers-in-law). I had to do it over the phone because I couldn’t get down to Utah in time without missing a major test. I felt horrible in the first place for doing it over the phone. After I told them the big news, they got me off the phone real quick and had a conversation that I don’t think went very well.
I got a call later that night from my inactive sister. After I told her the first time, she just wanted to make sure that I was happy staying in the church and that she’d still love me if I wanted to pursue another lifestyle. I was touched, and shocked. Nobody had ever reacted like that. I pretty much bore my testimony to her of how happiness comes from following the gospel. Anyway. She called me again that night and she was really upset. She said that my even older sister that she doesn’t get along with said something like “well at least I didn’t try to convince him to leave the church!” I was shocked that she’d say that. I mean, I told her about the conversation with Alana, but I thought I made it pretty clear that she wasn’t trying to get me to leave the church.
I was pretty upset. I couldn’t believe that my oldest sister would say that. I decided that I was going to confront her about it. So the next day my oldest sister called. We had an okay conversation and then she started saying some negative things about my inactive sister and I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you’d say that to her. That is not what I said, that is not what she said.” I explained. Then I said “You should back off of [inactive sister.] The best thing we can do is just be a good example.” My oldest sister completely freaked out. She said that she didn’t appreciate me telling her what to do with [inactive sister] and that I was being judgmental and that it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do. I was crushed. I’ve always been really close with my oldest sister. We pretty much never fought.
That was the last time I heard from any of my sisters apart from a little brief texting and one accident where I talked to my NH sister when I called my house. I wanted to talk to my parents who I talk to all the time. I just wished that any of them would call me and tell me what the heck is going on! I have no idea how my NH sister reacted, or worse, her husband. I just wished that I knew that they still loved me. It was completely inappropriate that they used me as a facilitator for their fighting. It made me feel horrible that I talked to them and then they fought about it. I hate that they fight. I hate how they don’t just get along. My oldest sister feels responsible to guilt my inactive sister into being more active, and my inactive sister takes it as an attack on her, which it pretty much is. I hate it so much.
So I feel really lonely. I don’t feel loved by anybody…except Cat and my delta friends. I feel like a bad person. I feel like maybe people shouldn’t like me. I guess that will take further explanation. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that online, though. I just wish everybody knew all the things that I had done and loved me anyway. I just told one of my friends about a dark secret of mine and before I could even fully explain he said “you are a dead man.” I don’t think he took it well. Those of you who were at the Rexburg-IF group time before last know what I’m talking about.
UGH. I was so not ready for someone to think I’m a bad person for serious. I don’t know what I’m ready for. Love? I don’t even know if I’d allow new people to love me. I don’t know how serious I can take someone saying they like me, or that they’re my best friend. They always lie.

:(

Insensitive

At least three times this week I have said stupid things. I just go on and on in my stories, and then when I see people’s reactions, I immediately make the connection that I hit a touchy subject. The other day I was talking about how much I love my dad and what we used to do together when I was a kid. Then one of my friends left abruptly, and I realized that I totally hit a bad subject. I was looking at him the entire time, too. He has a pretty bad relationship with his dad. They don’t get along so well. I felt horrible. I think I might have really hurt his feelings. He left the group for a minute.

O my gosh, when I realized how sensitive that topic might be, I felt horrible.

Is that weird?

Another time, I just started talking about one of my friends’ ex-boyfriends and all that he’s been up to recently—mostly with girls. When I realized that she was his ex-girlfriend I immediately felt so bad. I just wasted a good five minutes on offending my friend. I just forgot.

I’m a scatterbrain.

I’m insensitive.

Jerk? I know I’m a jerk. This is truth. Most of the time when I say mean things, I just say it to joke around. Sometimes, though, it’s not so jokingly and it’s sometimes personally offensive.

Some people would do anything to be funny. I don’t want to be one of those people.