I guess this means I'm back to square one.
When I was in middle school, I thought I was everything. I was so full of myself, it's ridiculous. Like one time in 6th grade, we were singing this song in chorus where my director wanted me to sing the falsetto notes with the girls just because the one baritone voice sounded odd for that song. So, this girl Constance was struggling with her solo--or maybe she had a cold?--and she was clearly frustrated so I said--actually said, "You're just jealous because my falsetto voice sounds better than your normal voice."
Yep. I said that. I've gone a long way since then, but not as far as I've thought. People have been calling me on all sorts of things. I've started to set double standards for people. Example: at work, I told my manager that there's nothing I hate more than when people lie to me. She then pointed out that the first time I met her I lied to her by saying that I went to Russia. (complicated)
I'm super-critical of my dad. Today...I feel so bad about this and its just been eating at me. He was cutting up a pineapple. Once upon a time I cut up a pineapple following directions from "The Joy of Cooking" which told me to cut swirly ridges to get rid of the eyes, and then to cut into wedges, all after skinning it. My dad was cutting in to wedges, and then skinning. So I said "Jeez, Dad, didn't anyone ever teach you how to cut up a pineapple?" When I realized how stupid that was, I decided to pull it off as sarcasm, 'cause he was obviously doing a really good job, but I was too late and he freaked out at me saying "This is what I do all day--cut up pineapples. I think I know what I'm doing." I could tell that he was deeply offended and I had no excuse. I then told my friends that I meant to be sarcastic and that my dad didn't buy it. That way it looks like he was the one who had no reason for his reaction. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've just been making everything about me, and not thinking about other people. Sometimes I feel like a real jerk. And sometimes I really am.
But it just makes me think: am I really still full of myself?
I'm so quick to judge, but slow to seeing my own flaws. This is just like one of my favorite scriptures. Luke 6:41 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" It pretty much means "Look in the mirror before you judge other people."
I don't want to look in the freakin' mirror. I'm a loser. I don't need anybody to tell me that! I live at home after basically getting kicked out of school, where I was SO happy and I threw it all away for a moment of satisfaction that totally SUCKED and was by far the worst decision of my entire life. All expectations for me set by either myself or others is far from being met. Its laughable! What, I? ME? am supposed to go on a mission, overcome my addictions, then my attractions to meet this sweet spirit that I can spend the rest of my life with, get married to her in the temple, and then become the best husband and father anybody could ask for? I want it SO bad, but I already screwed up the mission thing. How far am I going to let this get before my entire life gets sucked out from under me?
As far as I can tell, there is only one mistake I haven't made so far, and that is abstaining from alcohol. I know how much my father got messed up from his father being drunk all the time when he was a kid, and I couldn't dream of opening that opportunity to my prosperity. But I've basically made all the other mistakes. Is it any consolation to be sober? I would give any amount if I could trade in all my problems. I feel like I'm about to explode with remorse, yet no matter how guilty I feel, or how sorry I am to those around me, or even to God, it just doesn't get any easier to deal with my addictions. I haven't taken the sacrament in almost a year and I feel empty.
I hide from everybody, even myself, and it needs to stop.
So. Lets look at some blessings, hmm?
My parents love me.
I have 543881995872 friends, even though most of them are far away.
I get along with all my siblings.
I don't have to pay for rent, food, clothes, etc. ---well, I do buy my own clothes. and some food.
I live quite comfortably.
I have a car that ROCKS.
But what does it matter? I'm lonely!
Not only am I lonely, but it's my own damn fault.
I can't believe that anyone loves me. Not because I hate myself, or think I'm some horrible person. I'm just a normal person with average problems. They just suck. Any Guatemalan refugee (not to name names) would laugh at my problems. Its just that I don't trust people with how they say they feel. They always lie. They say they like me to be nice, but at the end of the day they don't want to hang out with me because I'm annoying. I'm controlling. I'm rude. I'm loud. I'm conceited. Whatever. The truth comes out and we go our separate ways and then what? No phone calls. No letters. I'll probably find out that they committed suicide years afterward. Then I'll just feel that guilt for the rest of my life and never be able to get rid of it.
Then, I'll write a book and pretend to feel better about myself until the next breakdown.
Then, I'll realize that I'm selfish enough to drive everybody I love away.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and then I die.
good freakin' night.
